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January 11, 1999 - Late Evening

They have escaped. And the Order is reborn.

I can't add too much about that here. It isn't safe, after all, to keep notes about military matters in a personal journal. I won't do it, because it is too risky. Suffice it to say that life has suddenly gotten far more complicated, and potentially far more unpleasant. But we will deal with it, and in the end, we will stop it. Once and for all.

But there is something I need to try to put into words, if just so that I can try to figure out what it is that in bothering me so. What it is about Severus, specifically, that is causing him to be at the forefront of my thoughts far more often than he should be.

I touched him, and he permitted it. I eased his pain... but now I am confused.

Not that Severus had much choice but to allow me to do it. He was hardly in a position to fight me, after all. And Merlin knows I'm glad I was able to give him some relief from his agony, but... I don't understand why it is affecting me the way that it is.

Of course, I am concerned about him. I freely admit that I don't want him to die, and I don't want him to suffer, either. He is now a friend, someone I trust. I have always respected his ability, and I believe we have finally started understanding each other. I feel a sense of almost comradery with him, something I haven't felt in all the years since I lost the Marauders. A kinship I haven't felt, even with Bill. Something I haven't had since I lost Sirius. An acceptance of my darkness, an acceptance that isn't blurred by affection for me, the man. An acceptance of all that I have done, even of all that the wolf has done.

Is that why I suddenly feel comfortable around him? Is that why I am being... drawn to him? Physically drawn to him? I've tried to ignore it, but I can't lie. I look for excuses to touch him. I find myself wanting to do it, to reach out and connect with him. Am I really so starved for acceptance? And what am I risking? Certainly at some point he will turn at snap at me to keep away from him, to stop pawing at him, and then.. what? Are we back to square one? And what in the world is it that I am trying to get out of him, anyway?

I am afraid this is just another manifestation of the wolf coming out. Merlin knows Severus provokes me as no one else does. Am I trying to push Severus until he snaps, so that I can lose my control again? That would be... disastrous. I can't risk that now, not with everything that has happened.

And what about Bill? Surely he has to notice something. I'm waiting for him to snap at me, to do something other than being there for me. Am I trying to push him away? And, for Merlin's sake, WHY? He is everything I should want or need. Why then can't I take the next step? Why can't I give him the one thing I know that he wants from me?

Whatever the reason, I only know that I can't. I would like to think that perhaps it is for the same reason that Sirius and I never formally became mates - because it was too risky. To bind someone to me in a mating bond is to entwine our lives so fully that the death of one means the death of both. I couldn't with Sirius, because of the war, because we were both needed. A part of my guilt over his death is that I never gave him that part of myself, and, because I didn't, he went alone. But what is done cannot be undone. I have let that go, with regret, but I have let it go... and now, we are going to war again, and I find myself in an eerily similar position. I know what I need to do in this conflict, I know the risks that I need to take. And I can't take them if I know that to do so would cause someone's death. And after the poisoning incident... no, life is too risky for me. Even though there are advantages to being the mate of a werewolf, the risks far, far outweigh them. I can't ever see asking someone to take that kind of risk. Not for me.

Not ever.

Is that why I find myself withdrawing from Bill? But if so, why in the world am I being drawn *to* Severus? Is it because I know that even though he accepts the wolf, he would never accept me? That, because of that, I am safe with him? That if I get too close, he will push me away, and snark at me until I get angry?

I don't understand it. But somehow, I seem unable to stop it. I need to talk to Bill, though, and soon. He deserves to know that I just cannot give him what he wants. I can share myself with him, I can care for him, but I can't do more. No matter how much he wants me to, I cannot give him all of me. I cannot give him the wolf.

I don't want to hurt him. But I would rather do that than be the cause of his death. And if he can't accept that, then... I would rather lose him and still be able to live with myself. And no matter how much it hurts me to do so, I must do it. And soon.

What was that Muggle saying? "Life is pain - anyone who says any differently is selling something."