By the pricking of my thumbs, Somthing wicked this way comes. (original) (raw)
Friday, August 24th, 2001
11:16a - How?
How do you convince someone that they are welcome when they have convinced themselves that they aren't? How do you make someone believe that you would make every effort to include them and make them feel welcome when they are convinced that you won't? How do you convince someone to have fun when they seem determined to have a bad time? How do you convince someone that they hurt you more by assuming that you would exclude them when you have arranged the whole thing for their benefit, so that all the people I care about can met the person I consider my best friend? And that by refusing to come hurts as much as assuming that I would do that to her in the first place.
How do you convince someone that if she has her birthday party and invites someone you don't like that you won't ruin it for them? How do you convince them that the only reason you don't want to go is because there will be large numbers of people there and you get self-conscious? How do you convince someone that they mis-read what you wrote, when the gist of what you wrote was: "How would you feel if I didn't come to your party? That's how I am going to feel if you don't come to mine."
How do you convince someone that you are better than what they believe of you? She thinks I will ruin her birthday party by attacking J. Does she really think that I don't respect her enough to bite my tounge? To avoid him the way he avoids me? Does she really think I would deliberatly ruin it? I have more respect for her than that.
But how can I convince her of this?
She thinks that I don't know him and am unfair for attacking him. He was the one who basically said I wasn't good enough for him. Am I not allowed to be hurt by that? So she knows him better than I do, she knows a different side of him. I don't despute that.
But I'm not that much of a bitch as to ruin her party because of it. N and T would be there. She may not trust me enough to control myself, but doesn't she know that they will?
She believes I am passing judgement on him without getting to know him. I know I am, but he did it first and what he said hurt me very deeply. And she wants me to forget that? Maybe if she knew what had happened in my past she'd understand better, but everytime I try to talk to her about it she thinks I'm bagging him and gets upset.
One reason is what he did to me. But that I could let go if I didn't think she was falling in love with him. I can't help thinking she's blind to this side of him and I feel that if I keep telling her about it maybe she'll leave DB and go with J. She said she won't, but I wonder.
I guess I should just stay out of it and watch it all unfold the way it's meant to be.
11:47a
I was up all night thinking about this.
She has convinced herself that she isn't welcome. She is wrong. She won't believe me when I try to tell her otherwise. I don't know what to do to convince her otherwise. She is convinced I would exclude her. She is wrong. But she believes I will and I can't convince her otherwise. She doesn't see how stubbon she too can be.
But this is for the whole world to see: She is welcome.
I'm just going to give up and stop trying to convince her that she is. She won't believe me and it hurts both us too much when I try to convince her otherwise. I'm going to assume that she won't be coming. That DB won't be coming and it will just be the three of us.
Unless I hear otherwise from her.
I wish she wouldn't cancel her birthday party. I know how much time and effort she is putting into the planning of it and how much it will hurt her to not have it. But she truely believes I will ruin it for her. If I believed I would I wouldn't turn up. I think too highly of her to stay away because I know how much it would hurt her and I think too highly of her to ruin it.
But she has convinced herself otherwise and I don't know what to say to make her believe otherwise. I didn't even know she'd taken what I wrote to mean I wouldn't go. I would, and I wouldn't ruin it. But she won't believe me. All I meant was that her staying away from mine would be like me staying away from hers and I asked her how that would make her feel. That's how I feel.
I don't know what to do or say to make her change her mind. She is convinced that I would act in a way I never would and treat her in a way I would never treat my friends.
She has made up her mind, and no matter how wrong I think her opinion is, she won't change it. I don't know how to try to get her to change her mind.
All I can keep saying is that she is welcome and that I won't ruin her party.
It's up to her to decide whether or not to believe in me and trust me.
I wish I knew what I had said and done to make her think so lowly of me. It scares me to think that it is solely because of J. That, TO ME, says she cares about him. Alot. Enough to form an opinion that I would ruin things for her.
I think we are at that point where I just need to step back and let her decide what she wants to do. Whether she's prepared to trust me or not. I can't and won't keep repeating myself. If she can't get it now, then she never will.
All I can do is promise her that She's welcome and promise her that I won't ruin her party. It's up to her to decide whether or not she will accept that. Whether or not she will trust me and believe me.
At the moment she doesn't and I can't convince her otherwise.
I just hope she changes her mind before it's too late.
1:51p
Mina thinks that I am destroying myself, wasting my life and need to get a life and get over it. She thinks I'm destroying her and all of the friendships we share and should beg J for forgiveness.
She thinks I'm jealous of her and am trying to destroy her friendship with J. She thinks that I should hope and pray that I have a friend kind enough to point out to me that J never did anything to lower my self-esteem and that I had low self-esteem to start of with.
She has accused me of looking for a scapegoat to blame for my problems and has said I don't deserve her friendship.
Ok, I retaliate by saying that I never claimed to not have low self-esteem. I know I do, that's why it hurt me so much to be told that I wasn't good enough for him. It validated my deepest fears.
But I'm not jealous of her friendship with J. I don't want to destroy that for her. I have tried and tried to make her see that. What I am hurt and angry about is that she wants me to be there for her, but won't be there for me. She won't come to my party, but never once expected that I wouldn't go to hers. She didn't trust me enough to belive I would include her.
That isn't fair.
I don't care that much about J. What has hurt me so much is that she won't come to my party or trust me enough to believe that I would include her. She doesn't trust me enough to believe that I promise not to ruin her party.
Now she thinks I need to get a life and get over all of this.
Fine.
Don't come to my party. I wouldn't want you to come if you were going to be in a bad mood all night anyway. But it has hurt me very very deeply. Both what you said about me and also because you keep ignoring what I have to say.
If you really honestly believe that I don't deserve your friendship then I don't suppose there is anything I can say to convince you otherwise.
Fine, tell me that I have low self-esteem, need to get a life and don't deserve your friendship.
If that's what you believe, it's what you believe.
I have to get myself undercontrol and go to work now.
current mood: 
rejected
11:17p
Well, you have no faith in me then. I guess it doens't matter anymore because by the time I will be able to log on, tomorrow night will probably have come and gone.
I'm not going to gloat over that. The whole J thing. I'm not going to gloat over you not being able to see him again. I'm not going to talk about it to you ever again. If you don't understand why someone saying I'm not good enough for them upsets me by now, then you never will. So I have low self-esteem. I don't believe that gives you the right to tell me to get a life and that I don't deserve to be your friend.
I never ever said you should break up with DB and go out with him. I said MY FEAR was that you would. I DIDN'T want that to happen, but you still were willing to believe that of me. Think for a second: If I hate this person as much as you say, would I really want you to break up with who you are with to be with him? Does that make any sense what so ever?
But nope, you misread what I had to say and missed the point of eveything.
I never spoke to you like you didn't know what 80's music was. I spoke to you like you didn't like it. Like I was embarassed to like it. You know how embarassed I get by my taste in music. SL doesn't like 80's music. How was I to know that you did? You just assumed you weren't welcome. That we wouldn't include you.
How dare you say that I would assume you don't know what it is because you are from America. In the past few days you've accused me of deliberately excluding you, of treating you like you are a novelty because you are from America, told me I need to apologise to J for bagging him, told me to get a life and told me that I don't deserve to be your friend. That implies above all that I'm racist against Americans. But you know what? If that what you want to believe of me, then fine.
Yet when you say you don't care if anyone has a good time at your party I can't say the exact same thing back to you without you crying.
If I treat you and your party the way you treat me and mine, you cry and get mad at me. I'm expected to ignore it and get a life.
There are two issues here. Parties and J. On both you are unwilling to give me a chance. On both you have said you have no faith in me. With both You are unwilling to believe that I have manners, that I would be nice and polite.
You seem to think I am enjoying this. I rocked up to work in tears over this. But I bet you won't even believe me about that.
If you want to think the worst of me, then do so. If you want to think I am a horrible rude gloating impolite biggot then do so. Nothing I can do or say seems to be able to change your mind.
You seem to think that I am incapeable of being polite to the point where you cancel your party, and want to make a decision about J or me. Let me make it easy for you.
Him.
You think he's a better person anyway. If your party was to go ahead then you'd not invite him and resent me. If you cancel it you are going to resent me. You are so willing to assume the worst in me.
At least in this, maybe I can prove to you that I am not the monster you think I am.
Pick him. Invite him, become friends with him. I'm sick of making you cry all the time. I feel like a monster. And if this is the only way for you to realise that, then so be it. You've already said that I don't deserve to be your friend, then don't have me as a friend. I'm sick of hurting you all the time. I know he won't do that. I may think he's shallow, but I don't believe he'll hurt you.
So pick him. Pick him because over the coming years or decades or whatever he won't hurt you as much as I do. He won't be as horrible as I am.
You've already said I don't deserve to be your friend.
I guess I agree. I don't. I hurt you too much.
I know he won't.
So pick him.
May at least with this action I can undo some of the wrong I have done. But don't think I enjoy this for a second. It's breaking my heart.