Reg Dixon Live - Ely Online, Ely, Cambs. UK (original) (raw)
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World Of Dixon (Day Eight)................... An effect of building new housing in Broad Street would be that Ely will become more of a “Dormitory Town” for Cambridge. Ely is unique and should remain that way. The Marina at Landbeach is rapidly becoming the “Cambridge Research Park”. Do the residents of Landbeach, Waterbeach and Fen Ditton realise that they now live in the Planners/Developers version of “Cambridge”? I was talking recently to an American friend who is returning to the States next week after three years here. He said they are going to Witchita Falls. When I asked where it was, he replied, “It’s 90 miles north of Dallas. Well, it used to be 120 miles north but Dallas has grown so much it’s gotten closer”. I have no doubt that a councillor would read this, pat me on the head, and give a small laugh at my simplistic message. However, the point remains the same. The majority of people do not want houses in Broad Street. Referendum NOW ! (or as soon as convenient for everyone)............ *DAVID BECKHAM ALERT* David Beckham walks into his local. The barman says - "Pint David?" David replies"No thanks, I'm only here for a half".......................... Headline in a Portugese Newspaper reads “Basil sofre mas passa”. After going through my Translation Mangler, it now reads, “Bazil suffers but it passes”. Why can’t England have that kind of suffering ?............. Thought for the Day “ I should rather live with you forever than exchange my troubles for a changeless Kingdom” (Paul Durcan)
- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 10:32:06 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Seven)................. According to Graham Swift, there are 13 levels of intoxication: (1) Pleasure (2) Satisfaction (3) Well Being (4) Elation (5) Light Headedness (6) Hot Headedness (7) Befuddlement (8) Distraction (9) Delirium (10) Irascibility (11) Pugnaciousness (12) Imbalance (13) Incapacity. I would have to add to that list as there seems to be a glaring omission: (14) Puking. ................. An old Little Downham character, known to like a drink, arrived at the barbers in Main Street. The Barber, an old batchelor, ran a small business from his front room and had only two promotional posters in his window. “ Thas’ a rum’un” said the customer, “You’ve got an advert for the RAC and you can’t drive and an advert for Durex and you’ve never had a jump !”...................... I had intended using the Translator web site I’ve found (http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com/cgi-bin/translate?) to do “World Of Cak !” today. However, this is what happened when I tried it in Portugese/English: World De Dixon (Day Seven)................. In accordance with fast Graham, has 13 levels of intoxication: (1) Hot Incapacity Of the Disequilibrium Of the Distraction Of the Elation Of the Welfare Of the Satisfaction Of the Pleasure (2) (3) (4) (5) Headedness (6) Clearly Headedness (7) Befuddlement (8) (9) Delirium (10) Irascibility (11) Pugnaciousness (12) (13). I would have that to add to this stack while seems to have a default shining: (14) Puking. Puking. ................. Thought for the Day..........” Ill timed and mis-placed lenity is cruelty and just severity is mercy and tenderness” (The judge who sentenced 5 Littleport rioters to death in 1816).
- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 08:55:57 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Six)................... A Muslim couple thought they had winessed a miracle when they cut open an aubergine and the pips spelled out the word, ALLAH. I had a similar experience while attending to my vegetable patch. The bottom fell out of my veggie bag, spilling fifteen runner beans, a length of binder string & a small onion onto the ground. Spookily, they read; ATHEiST.......... It is an alleged true story - I received it from a dubious source: When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at USA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Then, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought the question up to Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Lingerie ! Lingerie ! You want me to wear Lingerie ! You'll get me wearing Lingerie when the kid next door walks on the moon!" (This story has been altered in the interests of maintaining Ely On Line’s good reputation)...................... Thought for the Day......"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are." (Frederick L.Collins)
- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 14:17:47 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Six)................... A Muslim couple thought they had winessed a miracle when they cut open an aubergine and the pips spelled out the word, ALLAH. I had a similar experience while attending to my vegetable patch. The bottom fell out of my veggie bag, spilling fifteen runner beans, a length of binder string & a small onion onto the ground. Spookily, they read; ATHEiST.......... It is an alleged true story - I received it from a dubious source: When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at USA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Then, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought the question up to Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Lingerie ! Lingerie ! You want me to wear Lingerie ! You'll get me wearing Lingerie when the kid next door walks on the moon!" (This story has been altered in the interests of maintaining Ely On Line’s good reputation)...................... Thought for the Day......"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are." (Frederick L.Collins)
- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 10:30:19 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Five)......... The Who’s John Entwhistle was once asked why he persevered with his solo band, Ox. They sold very few records and attracted small crowds at live shows. “Well”, he replied, “ It’s a bit like smelling your own farts. You think they’re great and everyone else hates them”. I can’t argue with that........... Another joke from an 8 year old. “ What do you call a sheep with no head or legs ?” answer: “ A cloud”............. I have only recently found out that junk mail on the net is called “Spam”. A colleague of mine saw a reply to some “ Spam” : "May a handful of foppish chief executive officers play Twister in your scrotum”. Remember that next time your’e looking for a snappy retort........... Anyone who has found themselves on this page & has not seen the Editors page; please look now. E-Mail Ely On line with your opinions and they will be passed on. I would particularly encourage people from overseas who have visited or lived in Ely to comment. I believe that the views of tourists might hold more weight with the councils than locals; we seem to be held as “ Not in my back yard” moaning minnies (remember them).............. Thought for the Day.........”Take time to smell the flowers” (My mate Laurie’s mum)
- Friday, July 03, 1998 at 10:15:33 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Four)......... Spike Milligan once recalled how he was in the throes of a nervous breakdown. Alone in bed and crying uncontrollably, he noticed his baby daughter walking towards his bed, arms outstretched. In her hand was a glass of water. She wanted to give him something. Something to make it alright. This was all she could find......... A woman froze the top tier of her wedding cake, intending it to be kept until her first child was born. She and her husband decided to wait until they were older to have children and so the cake remained frozen for seven years. And then the husband died. The woman was left with the top tier of her cake and didn’t know what to do with it. She went to see her local vicar and he suggested that she bury it at the foot of her husband’s grave. And so she did.....A burial of what might have been......... Thought for the Day (for Ely Council).....”They un-paved a parking lot and put up a paradise”.
- Thursday, July 02, 1998 at 08:22:22 (BST)
Just one more footy "what if" Reg - What if Posh Spice denies David Beckham sex for a year! Good idea i reckon (Editor)
- Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 14:00:48 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Three)..... Football Free Zone. I’m fed up with the ‘What if’s’ already........Here’s a joke from my 8 year old; “Why did the chicken cross the playground ?”- “To get to the other slide”.........Has anyone seen that strange message on the Guestbook page of this site about bringing England & the ENGLISH to the fore ? Was “Ebony & Ivory” written in vain ? Perhaps the author of the message would like to expand. ........If anyone is looking for a good book to read on the beach this summer; look no further than these two: “ A prayer for Owen Meaney” by John Irving & “Alias Grace” by Margaret Atwood”. They are both fantastic (That’s as far as my skills as a critic go. Things I like are fantastic-see Strikes comment from yesterday)..........Thought for the Day: “ It’s not the winning that matters, it’s the taking part”
- Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 11:53:15 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day Two)..... Some of you may have seen this before. For those of you who haven't, here is the absolute mathematical proof. England last won in 1966. Now let's look at who all have won '66 and onwards... 66 England 70 Brazil 74 Germany 78 Argentina 82 Italy 86 Argentina 90 Germany 94 Brazil 98 :-) This is a fascinating phenomenon called historical symmetry................. Old joke from Frazier: Roz: “ Don’t men ever use sex to get what they want ?” Frazier: “ Hey, sex IS what men want !”............. First vist to Strikes last night, the new Bowling Centre in Ely. It’s fantastic. There are 10 lanes, a play area for the kids, comfy bar and....I won. I expect it to be a huge success. The bar staff appear to be quite new to the job, however. When a Pepsi was being poured from a great height, causing it to froth up, I was told it was because the “Barrel has just been changed”. Yeah, right.............. Just to return to the footie for a second: England 2 Argentina 1. You read it here first............ Thought for the Day.....”The mind itself is a place. You can make a hell of heaven & a heaven of hell” (can’t remember who said that)
- Tuesday, June 30, 1998 at 11:26:59 (BST)
World Of Dixon (Day One)...I’m pleased to hear that the BBC have expressed an interest in The Witches Of Ely; an Ely On Line exclusive. Meanwhile, here in humble RegLand, I can reveal the results of a recent poll which calculated my readership as..........3 (one of them being me). So, can I ask at least one person to E-mail the Editor of this site to say they have read this stuff. Onward. I was surprised to learn that MacDonalds are now sponsors of Melchester Rovers, the club of that all English, comic book hero, Roy Race.I think that Roy, age 74, is now manager of the team & his son Darren (or something like that) is the new flaxen haired striker. Is this the start of a new trend ? Billy Whizz to wear Reeboks ? Desperate Dan to eat ONLY at Burger King ? Old Joke from M*A*S*H.......Frank: “Why do people take an instant dislike to me ?”. Trapper: “It saves time” Glastonbury’s changed a bit hasn’t it ? 100,000 people, BBC 2 programmes & sponsorship from the Guardian. When I first went, in 1983, the headline act on the Saturday night was Melanie (Yes, her; “I’ve got a brand new pair of rollerskates”). I recall getting drunk on my Dad’s homemade wine trying to avoid the farting of the Editor of Ely On line; Mr.Lee Gillett. Thought for the Day...The best liar is he who makes the smallest ammount of lying go the longest way (Samuel Butler).
- Monday, June 29, 1998 at 14:19:50 (BST)
Starting Monday ! "World of Dixon". A daily dollop of guff. Life, Music, T.V, Footie, The Arts, Fashion, Gardening, Books, Motoring, er..er..Kick Boxing. On line by 16:30 GMT every day. Honest.
- Friday, June 26, 1998 at 16:25:09 (BST)
A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Denver. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?” The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time as only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great—NO hangover! The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?” He said, “I feel great!!” His buddy says, “I feel great too!!” “You don’t have a hangover?” “No! That jet fuel is great stuff—no hangover.” “ We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing...” “What’s that?” “Did you fart yet?” “No...” “Well, DON’T! Cause I’m in Phoenix!!”
- Friday, June 26, 1998 at 16:08:51 (BST)
Reg's Footie Competition Kenneth Wolstenholme is famous for his 1966 World Cup Final commentary........ “ There are people on the pitch. They think it’s all over...It is now !!!”. How would Kevin Keegan/Ron Atkinson handle this situation ??? England are drawing 2-2 with France in the Final of this World Cup, Michael Owen has scored both our goals, Seaman has been sent off & David Beckham is in goal. Darren Anderton has a head bandage on with blood pouring down his face. Glenn Hoddle has had a microphone put in the dug out & is screaming “Come on you idle sods !!” & Michael Owen is running at the French goal with only 5 seconds left. Brian Moore has had a coughing fit & nodded to Kevin/Ron to take over.........E-mail me the answers.
- Friday, June 26, 1998 at 10🔞47 (BST)
Here’s a little snippet I heard earlier today...”If you talk to God they call it praying, if God talks to you they call it Schizophrenia”. Ranks alongside Steve Martin’s comment in the fillum ‘HouseSitter’... “ If I was a woman I’d stay home all day & fondle my breasts”. While I’m on the subject, Bob Monkhouse once said that he’d lost interest in sex so much that not only did he pretend his wife was someone else, he had to imagine that HE was someone else. If anyone is offended by the subject matter above....Hey ! It means someone reads this stuff. Reg Dixon 22/6/98
- Monday, June 22, 1998 at 13:53:40 (BST)
Holy Mooly Batman...