In Loving Memory of Dougie (original) (raw)
(no subject)
Nov. 13th, 2005 | 02:55 pm
mood: 
lonely
posted by: 
loriroosa in 
4dougie
Dougie:
This is the hardest month for me. Remembering you coming over last year for Beef Stroganoff Dinner and breakfast, and of course, Thanksgiving, coming up. There are so many pictures of Grandma Roosa, you and me from last year that I had put on my computer from Thanksgiving last year.
I have run into a few people that had no idea what had happened to you and were asking how you were doing. This is getting harder and harder for me now. I miss you so much and recently all I ever do is cry, at home. Still won't let anyone else see me cry. Never have and I'm sure not going to start now.
I just feel like you deserted me, and I shouldn't feel like that, as I know you're in a much better place. But I'm lost without you. You were my only child and I miss having you call up at very early hours of the morning (1 am or later), calling and asking me to bake you cookies or calling and asking when you could come over for a home cooked meal. I won't be cooking Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner this year, and most likely I won't even go out of the house to eat those meals out. I can't bear the fact that you're gone and I won't be cooking any more meals or baking for you again. And I still remember you bitching at me all the time for not eating. I keep remembering you coming over with a gallon of milk for me last year, when I ran out of milk and couldn't drive due to the medication the doctor had given me to help me eat. You were always there for me and when I asked you to bring the milk by, the next day I remember you saying 'I didn't know you were on medication to eat, why didn't you tell me?' I only remember telling you I didn't want you to worry so I didn't say anything to you.
You have always been my life and love and I am so glad that you turned out to be such a wonderful young man. Dougie I am so proud of you because of everything you had to deal with: and yet you managed to turn it around to be so full of life and love.
I Love You and will always Miss You.
Mom
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Can You See Me?
Sep. 27th, 2005 | 01:30 pm
mood: sad
music: "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette
posted by: shellie in 4dougie
I can see you. I can hear my last words to you. I can see you in the car when I drove you home. I can hear what you said to me. I remember telling you that everything would be okay, when I wasn't even sure if it would be. I wanted to save you from yourself. From the thoughts that were destroying you. I wanted to ease your pain. I wanted to take it away for you. I couldn't. I feel like such a failure to you. If I only would have stayed. I should have stayed.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.
Every day that passes I wait for it to stop hurting so much. It hasn't gotten much better yet.
I think of you always, and I keep you alive by talking about you to all my friends, and the people I meet. I tell them how special and wonderful you were and what a waste it is to have lost you. I tell them that you were one of the very best friends a person could have, and that you were so loyal and devoted that you would do anything for anyone that needed you. I tell them how loved you were, and what you meant to me. You really changed my life, Dougie. You really did.
Just in this short time since you have been gone, so much has happened. It's like time is flying by. I can't even keep up with all of it some days.
Still, the biggest thought I have is how very quickly my life or anyone's life can change. In a blink of an eye, it can all be so different. It scares me. I hate losing people. I hate losing you.
I still pretend that you are the brightest star in the sky when I gaze upward. I don't know why, it might be silly, but it makes me feel a little better when I do.
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Thinking Of You
Sep. 11th, 2005 | 09:29 pm
mood: depressed
posted by: loriroosa in 4dougie
Dougie,
I just had to post this, I know that everything that everyone thinks or writes to you, you see. Your grandma and I went to Atlantic City yesterday, and all I could think of, was if you were still here, you would have gone with us. Considering, you wanted to go on your birthday.
I kept thinking the whole time of how you would have enjoyed yourself. However, since all I could think of was you, I didn't have a real good time. Before your grandma and I left, I went into the lounge and there were three big screen tv's in there playing videos. I knew that you were there because the minute I walked in, the video that came on was "Untitled" by Simple Plan. The minute it started playing, I knew that you were right there with me.
I miss you so much and I am having a very hard time going on anymore. I have become quite unhappy with everything and I'm getting frustrated with the fact that I'm still doing what I always did when you were still here. All I do is do everything to make everyone else happy, even though it's not what I want to do. I try to make everyone else happy and not myself. I am always trying to please everyone else and put my desires and happiness aside, just to make sure that everyone else is happy. I'm not happy and of course I keep getting more and more depressed because I'm losing myself, if your grandma, Greg and work aren't happy, I feel like I've let everyone down; and the hell with what I want.
Dougie, you always gave me the reason the live and I used to be happier, now I could care less if I'm happy or not.
I wish you were still here physically to talk to me and come and visit. I miss you and love you.
Love,
Mom
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He's Gone
Sep. 8th, 2005 | 05:30 pm
mood: 
grateful
posted by: loriroosa in 4dougie
This poem was sent to me by a friend of mine. I felt that everyone that knew and loved Dougie should see it. It helped me a little and I felt it was beautiful, in a sense. Dougie, this poem is He’s Gone
The body is gone,
but the soul lives on.
The spirit shall never die.
There’s no reason to ask God,
There’s no reason to ask why.
Why should we ask?
Why should we know?
Why is it so hard to let go?
He lived for his reasons,
The reasons we don’t know.
It’s time for his passing,
It’s time to go.
He did all he wanted,
And that’s all he should.
He made us laugh,
He made us cry.
He made us feel that we were alive.
Now that he is gone,
His soul can be free.
Free of life’s confusion,
The way it should be.
for you. Mom
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He's Gone
Sep. 8th, 2005 | 05:26 pm
mood: grateful
posted by: loriroosa in 4dougie
A friend of mine sent me this poem, and I felt I should share it with everyone that knew and loved Dougie.
He’s Gone
The body is gone,
but the soul lives on.
The spirit shall never die.
There’s no reason to ask God,
There’s no reason to ask why.
Why should we ask?
Why should we know?
Why is it so hard to let go?
He lived for his reasons,
The reasons we don’t know.
It’s time for his passing,
It’s time to go.
He did all he wanted,
And that’s all he should.
He made us laugh,
He made us cry.
He made us feel that we were alive.
Now that he is gone,
His soul can be free.
Free of life’s confusion,
The way it should be.
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Missing You
Sep. 4th, 2005 | 02:02 am
mood: crushed
posted by: loriroosa in 4dougie
Dougie:
I was just sitting here last night reading things on the computer and of course you popped into my mind. I was holding Bonkers and when I looked down at her, thoughts of you came up. I started thinking about how bad my health is and holding a cat, and I started thinking, why were we still alive and you weren't. I am feeling so guilty over the fact that we are still here on this earth, and your's was cut so short. I am having a very hard time accepting that. I've been crying all night over the fact that the center of my being, the love of my life, my child is gone.
I'm having a hard time seeing what I am typing because the tears are falling as I am typing this. I miss you so much. This is eating me up alive, I have tried so hard to go on, but the extent of going on, consists of work. I have made no effort in going out, nor have I seen anyone that was at the funeral for the past two months. I go to work and come home. If I have to go out, all I do is go to the grocery store or up to the convenience store.
I wish you were still here. I have no one to turn to that is local. Greg is too far away, and he helps me by phone, if I tell him how I'm feeling, which isn't often. I have no desire to cook or bake by scratch anymore, because you're not here to enjoy it. That's the only reason I started doing that again, when I moved back to New Cumberland.
I know that you're in a better place; beautiful, peaceful and no more worries; but it still hurts.
I LOVE YOU,
Mom
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Thoughts of you
Aug. 31st, 2005 | 04:50 pm
mood: depressed
posted by: loriroosa in 4dougie
Dougie,
I just have to print this. The other night I had the most wonderful dream, yet, also a very disturbing one. My phone rang at 1:30 am, just like you were always famous for doing, waking me up, even though I never minded. On the phone was you, with the greeting "Hey, what's up? I was just calling to see how you are doing. My response was "I'm doing okay. Where are you calling from?" You answered me with "I'm calling from Gettysburg." Now that really had me confused, only because you never mentioned to me about being in Gettysburg much, maybe once or twice. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm okay, Mom. I love you. I'll talk to you later. Bye"
Dougie, the dream seemed so real, that I knew you really did contact me to let me know that you're okay. Baby, you are and always will be the love of my life. For pretty much raising you on my own, with the help of your grandmothers', I am and always will be so PROUD of you. You turned out to be a beautiful, handsome, hardworking, diligent young man. And your concern for me was very much appreciated. You were a little overprotective of me at times, but, I appreciated that. I will never forget you constantly being on me about my eating habits, or you stopping by with gallons of milk for me last winter, when I couldn't eat.
I still cry and probably always will off and on, while thinking of you. I don't cry in public, nor do I let my emotions show out in public, which is where you picked up on that trait too. There are many nights that I can't get you off of my mind and I never will. I can't eat well, nor do I sleep well, but that's been normal for me. Dougie, I miss you sooo much and I still can't get it into my head that you're no longer here in the physical world. I know that you are there for me and everyone that you loved, just not physically anymore.
I Miss You and I LOVE YOU.
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And I Will Wait To Find, If This Will Last Forever
Aug. 30th, 2005 | 04:59 am
mood: crushed
music: "Clarity" by John Mayer
posted by: shellie in 4dougie
I guess I'm slowly trying to learn to let go of you in this world.
I've realized so many things lately.
I realized your death, and the circumstances surrounding your death, mirror so much of what I was experiencing in my life. You are the one, the one that really knows my whole heart and how I felt about him. You are the one I confided in just as I was one of the few you confided in. I know now the good that is to come from your death.
Your death has forced me to realize that I cannot follow that same path that you did. I refuse to let your death be in vain. I refuse to sit and watch your life be snuffed out, without deciding that now is the time that I need to start fighting for my life.
You have no idea how much MORE I love you now for that gift to me. You have no idea how very much your smile, laugh, and encouragement mean to me. I know now that your death is supposed to teach us all something. God used you to do just what you always loved to do, help the ones you love the most in this world.
I sit here bawling only because I dearly miss you, but at the same time I am so grateful for all you have taught me and are still teaching me.
Dammit Dougie, I AM gonna get stronger. I AM gonna take my life back. I AM gonna make damn sure that I don't sit by and watch anyone else ruin their life over a broken heart. And I sure as hell am NOT gonna ruin my life over a broken heart.
I learned a lot this week. I forgave her for what she did to me with him. I forgave him for what he did to me. I've grown in a lot of ways, and I will become the woman of her word, like you were a man of your word.
I already AM stronger, and it's because of you, Dougie. I KNOW how much you loved me, and I KNOW that you want this for me. I see it all so much more clearly now that I let everything out.
I'm so sorry that I let someone make me doubt your love for me. They were just jealous and they know what they have done. They have to learn to deal with their lives on their own now, and to mourn you in their own way. I'm done pretending that theyaren't responsible for their own pain. Just like we are responsible for dealing with our own.
Thank you so much, handsome. You have ALWAYS been there for me, and now I see that you still are here for me.
I love you so much, and I always will. *pinky promise*
[Damn, I miss your beautiful smile and soothing voice]
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Listening, Crying
Aug. 27th, 2005 | 04:42 am
mood: crushed
music: Revis - Seven
posted by: shellie in 4dougie
Sitting here tonight, I heard this song and although it's about something different a few of the lyrics hit me and made me cry thinking of you.
And I hope you come up To heaven right now
It’s all over It’s all over now Can I be the same
The rain is falling The rain is falling now Today we’re leaving Our souls are calling now
The stars on his right Holding seven right now The rain is falling The rain is falling now
Can I be changed Or am I the same
I was just listening and thinking of you...
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Picture Received
Aug. 27th, 2005 | 04:04 am
mood: sad
music: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
posted by: shellie in 4dougie
I received this picture from Dougie's mom, Lori. I'm so grateful for it. It's an awesome picture. Thanks Lori.
Received from: Lori Roosa