"Crawling Backwards" Chapter Six (original) (raw)

Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: xxshilaleighxx
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R

Links to previous chapters behind the cut.

Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five

A/N: Alright fellow Vammers, here comes some real drama. This story is finally starting to unfold. *Rubs hands together evily*

Chapter Six

The bed was empty when I woke up the next morning. A part of me wanted to cry at the thought that he had left me once again, but I couldn’t because I knew it would happen. Rolling over, I shoved my face into the cold pillow beside me, trying to get my face to mold into the indent that he left behind. It still smelt of him, and I could almost imagine that he was still here beside me.

I wanted to cry, I wanted the tears to come and show me that a part of me was still alive and feeding off of the pain that I was feeling inside, but no tears would come to my eyes. I felt my heart strings being tugged and there was nothing I could do about it.

Gingerly standing up, I made my way toward the shower, stopping only to grab some old clothes from a pile at the foot of my bed. I knocked on the door, a habit I picked up from hundreds of nights in cold hotel rooms, and was shocked when someone called out to me.

“Hang on a sec., I’ll be out in a minute,” Bam’s voice called from within. I let out a groan and propped myself against the adjacent wall. Moments later I heard the toilet flush and Bam wandered out, fully dressed but his hair still wet from a recent shower. “Sorry about that, Dunn’s in the other one.”

“No problem,” I frowned, pushing past him and closing the bathroom door. I heard him mumble something about me being in a fowl mood before walking down the hall.

“Fuck him,” I mumbled, the words seeming to burn my tongue like acid, before turning on the faucet. I wish I could forget about the night like Bam had, I wish I could leave it all behind me and go on living my life. Turning the hot water all the way up, I stripped down and climbed into the shower.

The scalding water helped to relax my muscles, but my mind was still racing. I tried to distract myself with soap and shampoo, but my thoughts kept returning to the night before. It was intense, poetic almost, and wrong.

I didn’t realize how long I had been in the shower until pounding on the door pulled me from my thoughts. Bam was yelling something at me, but I couldn’t make out his words. Turning off the faucet, I skipped the towel and slid into a tattered pair of pajama pants, my skin flushed a light a pink from the water.

“It’s my fucking shower and I’ll take however long I please,” I called to Bam, who was still pounding on the door. He mumbled something unintelligent and wandered off.

I was feeling more like myself as I pulled on an Iggy Pop tee shirt and opened the door, a billow of steam wrapping around my body and following me into the hallway.

“Jesus man, you were in there for like an hour,” Bam called before I even reached the living room. Him and Dunn were lounging on the couch, their feet propped up on the coffee table. “There’s nothing in English on this stupid TV.”

“That’s because we’re in Finland, dumbass,” Dunn laughed, grabbing the remote from him and finding a music channel.

I watched as they exchanged banter for a few more minutes before Bam turned back to me. “Ville, what are your plans for today?”

It took me a second to realize that he was talking to me. I was convinced last night that he would still be pissed about the other day. “I have band practice with the guys later, but that’s pretty much it.”

“Fantastic, we should get drunk then!” he shouted, his fist pumping the air lightly. Beside him Dunn just scoffed.

“Is that all you people do?” I laughed, crossing my arms and leaning on the back of the couch.

“You got any better suggestions?” his eyebrow raised as he asked this, a mask of victory spreading across his face.

“Yeah,” I retorted without skipping a beat. “Actually, I do. The theatre downtown is putting on Les Mis tonight, and I thought I’d check it out.”

“Right!” Bam laughed—an obnoxious thing that made me want to slap him. “Like I’d go to a play!”

“You’re right, your hyper ass couldn’t sit still long enough,” I spat, causing Bam to scowl and Dunn to erupt in a fit of laughter. For a moment it felt like old times, and I wanted to keep it this way. Flipping myself over the back of the couch, I landed upside down between the boys and smiled. “I just don’t feel like drinking tonight. Maybe we could--”

I was cut off by a loud outburst from Bam, “Nonsense!” He shouted. “We’re going drinking, end of story.”

“Hey, it’s my house and I’ll make the rules,” I protested. “And the rules are: no drinking tonight.”

“Whatever, we just won’t drink here,” Bam smiled. I knew there as no getting around this one, so I just nodded and agreed to tag along. No matter how pissed I was at him, Helsinki was a dangerous city and I didn’t want them wandering around drunk. “Then it’s settled! Go call Mige and tell him you’re calling off band practice.”

“I can’t do that; I’ll just meet up with you guys when we’re done.”

“Aw, where’s the fun in that?” Bam pouted, sticking out his bottom lip like a child. The innocent expression made me smile.

“Fine, fine,” I sighed, getting up to make the phone call.

~*~

Hours later the three of us stumbled through the door of my apartment, our arms linked and Bam shouting the lyrics to a Viking Skull song. I missed the sound of him singing along to my songs, but I didn’t mention it. Before we were even through the door Dunn collapsed on the couch and fell asleep, the effects of five shots of Tequila taking their toll.

“I’m not tired yet,” Bam whined, stomping his foot a little bit. “And I don’t think I’m drunk…”

“Believe me,” I smiled, “you’re drunk.”

“Oh yeah?” he slurred, an almost flirtatious look glancing my way. “Prove it to me.”

Rolling my eyes, I began walking toward my room. “And how do you expect me to do that, Bammi?”

There was only silence in return and I thought that he might have passed out. Turning around, I found him standing before me, his eyes wide and glazed over. His lips parted for a second, and I thought he was going to say something, but instead he just moved closer.

“Bammi?” I asked softly as he reached a tentative hand out and placed it on my cheek. His tongue darted out to wet his dry lips before he spoke.

“Kiss me,” the two words left his mouth as nothing more than a whisper, and for a second I considered asking him to repeat himself. Before I could answer, though, his lips were on mine—delicate, yet surprisingly demanding. I felt myself relaxing at his touch just in time for him to pull me toward the bed.

In seconds clothes were thrown to the floor, skin on skin colliding as we wiggled underneath the dirty sheets. His hands reached up and tangled themselves in my hair as I planted a series of kisses along his jaw line, eliciting a deep moan from him. As our lips locked once more something came over him. He paused, blinking rapidly a few times before flinging me away from him. I landed on the floor with a heavy thud, and it took me a second to gain my bearings.

He scooted up on the bed quickly, his breathing harsh and his hand coming up to rest on his heaving chest. His eyes were wide and darting across the room, as if he had just woken up from a bad dream.

I realized for the first time that I had caught him in a rare moment of clarity. I could see in his eyes that he remembered; that from the beginning he knew about each drunken night. I could also see him fighting with himself over what to say, and the anticipation nearly tore me in two.

“V-Ville,” he spoke slowly, articulating each syllable as if he needed to stall time to think. “This isn’t what you think it is.”

“What the fuck do I think it is?” I shouted without thinking, standing up from my position on the floor and pointing an accusing finger at him. “Huh, Bam? Please, enlighten me.”

The malice in my voice startled even me, and I saw him pulling the sheets higher upon his bare chest protectively.

“I don’t know, I’m trying to figure this all out for myself, too.” I could sense the lie even before he spoke it.

“Let me help you out!” A part of me was yelling at my brain to shut the fuck up, but my mouth wouldn’t listen. The words flew from my tongue before I even got the chance to think about them. “For the past two years you have been coming to me in the middle of the night. For the past two years I have let you love me, only to break my heart the next morning! For the past two fucking years I have let you fuck me, only for you to forget about it the next damn day!” He stared at me in disbelief, and before he could speak I added, “Ring any bells, darling?”

He stared at me for the longest time, trying to speak to me with his eyes and failing. He was going to deny every word I had just spoken, any idiot could have told you that. But I wanted to let this moment of heated peace to last.

What he said surprised me, though.

“I know.” His voice was all but a whisper and I felt myself leaning forward a bit to hear him. His eyes lowered to the crumpled bed sheets in what could only be perceived as shame. “But you don’t understand…”

“What don’t I understand, dammit?” I scoffed. I really needed to calm down and start thinking logically. What did he mean with the ‘I know’? So he knew all along, and he still kept it up?

“You don’t know what it’s like to be watched constantly!” It was his turn to be angry, and the level of his voice made me jump slightly. “In my world, in the celebrity world, you can’t be like…like this!”

“I think I’ve got a bigger fan base than you do, fucker! And what do you mean ‘like this’? You can’t be fucking honest with yourself?”

“I can’t be some fag!” He shouted, louder than before. His choice of words made me stumble, and for a moment I was speechless.

“Is that what I am to you? Some faggot?” I asked, my voice cracking against my will. I couldn’t seem to find the strength to shout any more. “You’re a fucking dick, you know that?”

He didn’t say anything, and I found it getting increasingly harder to look at him. I needed a cigarette, I needed some fresh air, I needed to get the fuck out of here. My mind was racing and I couldn’t get a grip on a single thought. Grabbing some loose clothes from the floor, I quickly threw them on and headed for the door.

“I need to get out of here,” I called over my shoulder, not caring if her heard me or not. I didn’t wait for a response before slamming the door and heading outside.

~*~

There you go, I hope you enjoyed. I think this is going to be a long fic...

And remember: This story and others can also be found at: 616hasgotaname

Comments = Steamy Vam make-up sex on a stage surrounded by millions of people