But then /why/ didn't you want to be a guy?'s Journal (original) (raw)
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded inBut then /why/ didn't you want to be a guy?'s LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, May 27th, 2010 | |
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| _9:20 am_[hundun] |
(posted for a friend, X-posted to butchfemmetrans)Have any of ya'll seen that there is a butch conference happening in Portland?http://www.butchvoices.com/regional-conferences/portland/ As a butch, trans female dyke I was thinking it'd be really stellar to organize a panel discussion on issues relating to trans female spectrum butches ( Read more...Collapse ) (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, April 19th, 2009 | |
| _7:02 pm_[estrobutch] |
New community for trans female butch/ femme  I want to start a new community for transbutches and femmes. No I don't mean female to femme bullshit or tg butch (unless your also ts). I mean trans female butches and femmes. I want it to be a space where butches and femmes who are into butches or femmes or both can flirt and find community without a big dark cloud of trans misogyny looming over us. I'm open to possiblity of it being a space for partners of trans female butches or femmes too. But it needs to stay trans female centered. Please comment if you think this sounds cool or your interested in modding. Also forward it around to people who would be interested. (16 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, April 8th, 2009 | |
| _3:56 am_[ruines_humaines] |
long intro + thoughts hi. i'm june. i just found this community and it looks awesome. there are so few non-femme MTF-spectrum people out there, and i'm glad to find other people who feel similarly.here's my intro. i posted a longer version of it in  trannydykes and transdyke, but it was originally written for this community :) i know this is community is not MTF or womyn-specific, and i know that my post is going to come off as a very womon-centered, so please understand that no offense is meant to anyone - this is just who i am, sharing my side of things. so i've been on hormones for 3 months now, but i've yearned to start transitioning since i first learned it was at all possible—about 3 or 4 years ago. it took me a lot longer to start actively transitioning than it should have, primarily because "womonhood," and trans womonhood specifically, felt so distant from the womon i knew myself to be. prior to transition, i was very cut off from MTF community of any kind (i still am, and i think most of us are, even those of us who are active in trans communities); my only exposure to other MTF womyn took place through the internet. i was bombarded by images and narratives of trans womyn who were pretty, girly, heterosexual, and very much invested in mainstream notions of normative femininity and womonhood. i read about and communicated with many trans womyn whose transitions were focused more or less specifically on passing and acceptance by cis-hetero society. i felt so deeply alienated by these narratives, so much so that i convinced myself i wasn’t “really trans”—how could i be, when i had no desire for the kinds of “normal” femininity and womonhood they demanded?it took me a long, long time and a lot of reflection before i was finally able to accept the validity and beauty of who i am, and start transitioning. i am butch, a dyke, a tough, angry, down-to-earth womon. i like guns, bikes, whiskey and punk shows. i wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress. in many ways i am very masculine. but that is not to say i have ever felt like a man – i haven’t. my personal history in regards to gender is obviously enormously complex. that said, i do not see myself as a gender rebel or gender bender of any kind. i may be butch, but i am a womon first and foremost. my butch gender expression indeed transgresses sexist mainstream expectations for womyn, but in my case this nonconformist expression has no mitigating effect upon the completeness and validity of my female gender identity. i know many butches understand their butch identity as a gender in itself; and while that’s awesome, it is not at all the case for me. i am a womon. i am not transitioning to butch; i am transitioning to female; i am female. i “fuck with gender” only as much as any other female-identified butch dyke does. i find it strange that as my transition progresses (and with it, my increasing comfort with harder and harder butch gender expressions) i’ve become more and more focused on acquiring many of the transition procedures/options that i once thought belonged exclusively to the projects of conventional and femme trans womyn. ffs and srs are in my future—i’d never thought they would be—and i’m going to be working my ass off to pay for them. that’s going to require getting a job and making money in cissexual heterosexual dominated mainstream society, and all the requisite ramifications of that kind of assimilation—“passing” etc. i know it’s not going to be fun; nobody likes necessary evils. but i do not ever want to have to explain or justify my choices to others—especially queers—who question their legitimacy.yeah… i’ve been having more and more trouble with queer culture these days. despite being queer as fuck, and fucking deeply committed to queer culture’s ultimately utopian dream, i am getting really fed up with the pressure to fuck with gender, to subversivise my identity, to claim and express only the “fabulous” inconsistency, otherness, and difference of my experience and history. i am sick of cis dominated and cis exclusionist queer spaces. i am sick of queer cissexuals’ widespread appropriation of trans language and experiences. i am sick of having my womonhood questioned or challenged or invalidated. by anyone, and especially by queers, and especially by other dykes. i know a lot of trans womyn who feel this way. (11 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 | |
| _11:58 am_[estrobutch] |
Can't right a coherent post... So I'm just putting out these random things I've been thinking about.Does anyone feel like they have to curb their masculinity when they are read as male-assigned? or male (cis or trans)? Does it affect when and how you out yourself as trans?I wasn't masculine growing up and was really femme leading into transition. I think its because my masculinity is directly connected to confidence which comes from feeling good and grounded in my body. Which I didn't have growing up. If I'm feeling crappy about my body then I'm not feeling very confident and I don't just feel like a physical fraud, or female fraud but a butch fraud too.Sometimes I indirectly lead people on. or let them lead themselves on about me being ftm spectrum just to keep them off my trail. Because I feel like they wouldn't take me seriously as mtf spectrum. When I feel *really* good and grounded in my body then I don't care if people know that I'm male-assigned. (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 | |
| _6:21 pm_[nlg1986] |
Totally procrastinating, but I thought I'd say hi Hi! I dunno how many people follow this, and I peeked and it seems like it's not a very active community, but I totally had a revelation in seeing this place, I've been grappling with issues of transitioning away from male for almost a year now, and still not really being read as female, and kinda okay with that, I id as genderqueer, and feel myself to be more deeply connected with folks on the ftm spectrum. Anyway, I think this community is really rad and kinda wish it would pick up, but if not, I guess it would be nice to come away with people who seem to feel me on this not-high-femme-trans thing, if anyone wants to chat about this on or off this comm, that would be awesome, or if you're in the bay area, sf or where ever and wanna meet for coffee/tea/juice that would be rad as well. Just trying to meet some like-minded people.Hope you all are well and enjoying the day.Best,Nicki (5 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 | |
| _6:14 am_[darkdragondm] |
It's really quiet around here. . . . **Insert ominous cricket sounds** (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Friday, November 14th, 2008 | |
| _4:48 pm_[hundun] |
Crossposted to my journal and "Genderqueer""I heard that bit of a rasp in your voice, and thought I bet he's either shot T a few times or is thinking of it, and is now sweaty-handed, wringing over whether to take it all the way. That's why I asked you what name you preferred."( Read more...Collapse ) It still seems strange that I've transitioned to a woman who is comfortable getting regularly mistaken for an early female-to-male transsexual. Stranger is that with all the feedback that comes in that says "You're FtM" and much less that says "you're a masculine woman," at least not directly, sometimes I even forget which way I'm going. ( Read more...Collapse ) (10 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, November 6th, 2008 | |
| _11:09 am_[darkdragondm] |
No-ops, No-hos, and Detransitioning Thoughts on the matter??Personally considering non-op. Just mones and electro for me. not entirely sure, but really the other stuff isn't to much of a barrier to my identity. I'm not entirely sure on my sentiments here, but still undecided nonetheless.Since we're on the topic, what about FFS? Again not for me, but I have a rather androgynous facial structure, so I really haven't had the need for such thoughts. Current Mood:  curious (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Friday, September 19th, 2008 | |
| _7:49 pm_[hundun] |
( Washroom folliesCollapse )"I'm a girl." I say. I say it awkwardly - the way you'd say "I've worked here for five years" to someone who warned you "customers aren't allowed in this part of the store.""You're... a girl?" A cocked eyebrow and a face that broadcasts uncomfortable incredulity giving way to plain homophobia.( Read more...Collapse ) (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, June 8th, 2008 | |
| _10:01 am_[hundun] |
Xposted to M2Q, genderqueer etc... As part of the last class in my gender studies program, I'm going to be writing something on gender variance (androgyny, butchyness, masculinity, drag kinging, male cross-dressing etc...) in MtFs and also gender-variance in other male-assigned non-male-identified people. When I'm done, I don't want it to sit in a drawer, I want to post it publicly so that other people can use it . Questions: What would you like to see in this? What would be most useful to you? What would have been most useful to you in the past? What would be most useful to other people that you know of? What topics would you like me to cover? What should I do with it when I'm done? Where should I post it? Should I print it and send it somewhere? Where would you recommend looking for sources? Digging up this information is going to be a real challenge. (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Monday, May 19th, 2008 | |
| _11:26 am_[hundun] |
Question #2:Does your gender expression vary? Do you oscillate between different places on the continuum between masculine and feminine behaviour or presentation - or between female and male? If so, are you aware of anything that causes these shifts? Factors like practical considerations, times of year, personal situations, life stressors, etecetra? (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, May 17th, 2008 | |
| _3:17 am_[darkdragondm] |
It's wierd.People read me as male. I don't give too much of a fuck about it, unless I actually need to speak with them for more than five minutes or something. I'm rather androgyne in presentation, usually punky street clothes, the fanciest thing I'll wear is something that was washed the day before. I have a fuckload of peircings, short hair, and I'm not afraid to flaunt some of my traits that 22 years of unaltered testosterone production has given me.So here's the odd part. I went to court on Wednesday. So I'm thinking, gotta look good in other people's eyes, or folks might not take me seriously. So I throw on a clean pair of slacks, shoes, and a black dress shirt (blouse if you will) (the only set of formal-ish clothing I own), take all my peircings out, and BAM!, everyone reads me female.Folks are fucked up. Clothing does not make a gender, can't people get past that? (5 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 14th, 2008 | |
| _8:32 am_[darkdragondm] |
So we're always asked. . . We all get it, the classic "Why did you transition??" question.What's your answer?Mine - "Never felt male, despite my overall masculine presentation". (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, May 11th, 2008 | |
| _12:55 am_[hundun] |
As part of an attempt to foster discussion, I present a question for those of you who are transitioning, or have, or are thinking about it, or decided against it -How does, or has, or might your gender-variant presentation affect your access to the bureaucratic and/or medical clusterfuck that is transition? (9 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 | |
| _3:11 pm_[nodesignation] |
Something to post I was thinking about what I might be able to post about or conversation to bring up, and I thought of this piece that I've been working on. It's a part of a new zine I'm working on. So I thought I'd share it here. I do wrap up the ending in a bit more of a binary way of thinking then I tend to use, but I think that was important to the point I'm making. It's one of the compromises I'm making now that I seem to have cultivated a fairly strong binary identity as woman in addition to my very strong non-binary identification.I am ButchThe common assumption is that trans women transition in order to be feminine because they aren’t allowed to be feminine as children. However, in my case, I played with my little ponies as a child, my parents were willing to buy me pink tennis shoes, they gave me dolls, and the fact that I liked to play with girls was never questioned or seen as a problem. I was always allowed to be feminine. If anything, I transitioned in order to be masculine.Masculinity was always awkward for me when I was seen as a boy. Most memorable was when my fifth grade baseball coach tried to teach us all to “spit like men.” I made an obligatory attempt, despite feeling rather uncomfortable with the concept. Looking back on things now, it wasn’t the masculinity that I had a problem with; it was the male identity part of it. If I had it to do over again, I’d love to have learned how to spit like a woman.I’m happy to express masculinity as long as I can make it clear that it is female masculinity. In fact, a major turning point in understanding my gender identity happened when I started performing as a drag king. That was the first time I passed as a woman. With such a strong assumption that drag kings are women, it was easy for me to be seen as a woman, not in spite of my masculine presentation but because of it.A year ago I grew out my chin hairs. After years of testosterone blockers and some laser hair treatments, I found that it was much more like the kind of facial hair I have seen on cis woman than on cis men. Others noticed this too. I was stunned to find myself passing more often instead of less. I’m not sure whether it was because of my new comfort and confidence in myself or because men don’t have facial hair like that. Either way, it was the exact same reaction I got when I cut my elbow-length hair to ear length.It’s not hard to point out parts of my presentation that are masculine. I rarely wear bras. I have leather combat boots. I sometimes bind. I love simple tank tops or muscle shirts. I pack a strap-on to play parties. I often wear baggy clothes. I sometimes get asked what the point of transitioning was if I still have so much masculinity. From my perspective, though, each of these things affirms my female identity instead of detracting from it. That’s why I prefer to be called trans-female rather than trans-feminine. Because when it comes down to it, I’m trans-masculine, too. (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 | |
| _1:21 pm_[darkdragondm] |
read as male and doesn't care Just throwing out in the wind here. More my curiosity than anything.For the female trans ID'ed masculine presenting folks here, does it or does it not bother you when you are read as male (more through presentation than psychical features, obviosly)?Personally, I couldn't give two shits, unless the need for defending my presence in a specific space is brought up.Your take? (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, January 12th, 2008 | |
| _8:07 pm_[patweeboturn1p] | all this stuff heyaI have just joined this community thing and just getting used to using LJ. Thought this whole thread thing seemed interesting as it relates to me a lot, I transitioned quite a few years ago now, things beginning right at the beginning of my 20s/sorta late teens, and I've developed alot since then in many ways. I'm probly butcherer and do more typically masculine type things nowadays than I did before lol, so that can be kinda confusing, especially maybe to those around me who are trying to understand/tolerate me and all that shit... for example over the last couple of years I've got into the whole idea of being able to fix my own car and stuff, etc etc. I kinda found that as a tall woman (6') other girls tend to respect me for that physical strength and when I look at role models of taller women they are often cast in a way that shows them as independent and physically strong and such blah blah. Sometimes it pisses me off when you get women who think they can't do certain things because they're female, then you realise that theres lots of men who can't do those things either, so whats that all about?Sometimes I feel a bit isolated in the world of gender and sexual identities, sometimes get the feeling that I'm asking myself the question: If I like being the butch handy lass and actually tend toward the lesbian side of things nowadays and sometimes wonder if I havnt missed out on some such thing as 'male privilage' along the way then why did I do all this transitioning thing at all?Then I ask myself can I go back? should I go back, and do I even want to go back to how things used to be? Bit of a weird situ, especially when I've found myself on occasion hopelessly attracted to some straight women, then maybe later realised it was more of an emotional than a sexual attraction.Do I like being who I am? hmmm I think so, but I have my worries because of the very few people I seem to be able to relate to (which is maybe why I'm posting here) maybe I jus need to get out more and I'm in a bit of a low period in my life now. hmm...yeh :/Patweebo Turn1p Current Mood:  numb (5 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, December 12th, 2007 | |
| _11:13 pm_[hundun] |
Imposter syndrome Okay folks. Question/advice time.I find that I'D-ing as butch* works for me. When I feel it, I feel confident, and vice-versa.The problem is that it slips in and out. Not because it's inappropriate for me... I think (is it less static than I thought?) - rather it feels like I'm claiming something that I shouldn't.( And so I ask you for advice on a weird emotional situation...Collapse ) (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, December 2nd, 2007 | |
| _10:12 am_[hundun] |
I thought it was hard to find suits that fit /before/ I changed my sex Xposted to genderqueer and boy2boitrans I want to learn more about sewing. I am especially interested in the idea of creating gender-variant clothes. When men wear dresses and when women wear suits (whether they were born to that sex or not, as I am finding out from personal experience) they are often stuck with the choice of having something that's either ill-fitting or padding and tightening their body to fit. What about making dresses that are made to fit the male body and work with its shape? What about suits that are made to fit on, and work for, women? No style changes. No shoulder pads and giant buttons on women's suits. No... well there aren't really dresses for men (at least not that I'm aware of) so I'm not sure what to put here. This has applications for transsexual gender-normative people as well. And cissexed/cisgender people whose bodies don't exactly fit the mold (whaddya mean you have AA breasts? whaddya mean you're 5'5"?). Dose anyone know of any kind of gender-variant fashion archive? Haircuts would be good too. (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, November 15th, 2007 | |
| _11:46 pm_[hundun] |
So I changed the short description so as to make it more clear that butch, androgynous and gender-variant presentations are a part of the larger discussion here. So assuming that no-one can come up with a better name that boy2boitrans (?), I'm going to start flogging this community on wider circles of LJ groups sometime this weekend. I'll track them in the comments section so we know what's been done and what's yet to do.Feel free to join in with suggestions or posts. (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
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