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Friday, July 16, 2010

11:21PM

tonight is one of those nights I am battling sleep because I am scared of the loneliness.
I want someone so badly, so I'm not just holding the body pillow wishing it was someone.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sunday, July 9, 2006

3:16PM - crushed

I through fate got in touch with this man I knew as child. We started emailing back and forth. Before I knew it we were emailing and instant messaging all the time. I'm married, but my husband and I don't have much of a relationship, he is very sick and stays in the bed all day. A while back I went to see my email buddy. We spent a lot of time together, and I fell head over heels for him. When I got home I told my husband I didn't want to be married anymore, but when I told the other guy I wanted to leave my husband and be with him, he said no. He said he couldn't see us together in a long term relationship, although he would like to see me again. So to make a very long story short I told the email guy where to go, and told my husband I was very sorry, and that I wanted to tr to stay and work things out. The problem is I miss the other guy so bad I can't even think. I'm so ashamed that I let myself have feelings for some jackass, that didn't feel the same. I am not young, and I'm not stupid, and I cannot believe this has happened to me.

Current mood: angry

Monday, June 26, 2006

11:41PM

I dated a guy for almost three years... it would be three in August... he broke up with me about a week ago give or take. It was rather drawn out. All I know is that my heart has been aching for 10 days straight. He wanted a separation but as we weren't married or living together or even in the same town I didn't really see how it would work. So I pressed the issue and he broke up with me told me he didn't love me and didn't want to date me... and now I'm left wondering what I did wrong or how the love could die that fast and he won't give me an answer. It also drives me nuts because of the last time I talked to him he said he was feeling remorse but that he still didn't love me and he still hasn't told his parents unless he told them today. I'm confused and sad and can hardly eat although my job makes me sleep in fact all I want to do is sleep and work. I have been forcing myself out but everyone tells me its going to be at least a year before I get over it all the way. I can't help feeling that its not fair... I don't know... I know I don't want to rush into another relationship but I'm worried because it is my history to do so. I also really care about his family they always treated me like I was welcomed and now it hurts because everything I thought was solid is changing.

Current mood: crushed

Sunday, May 28, 2006

1:49PM - Should I stay or should I go?

Here is a letter that I xposted to 'dear somebody', it basically states my relationship in a handbasket.
Any advice?

I am so angry with you. You blame your problems and addictions on me. Yes, we moved 1,400 miles away from that shithole you call home. IT WASN'T MY HOME! Why would I be expected to live there? I didn't like it there! Just b/c we met there doesn't mean I want to LIVE there and spawn off children and be a white trash hick.
We move here, to the big ol' city and you decide to become a freakn coke addict? add the alcoholic to the equation and we have a great relationship.
Let us not forget the thousands of dollars you stole, the drug dealer ringing my doorbell b/c you owe him money, the terrible terrible fights we got in. the times i caught you redhanded snorting that shit up your nose! the knife you threw at me, the time you tried to choke me b/c you were in withdrawl so bad and i wouldn't take you buy coke. the countless times you pushed me up against a wall to make your point.
Now you're not on coke anymore and things have gotten no better. You don't work. you lazy fuck. you can't even wash a dish without me screaming at you about it.
yes, i am angry and no, I have not forgiven you. I wonder if I ever can.
GROW UP! BE A FUCKIN ADULT! I am 24 yrs old and have a full time career, I pay all the bills, I clean the house..for gods sake, we JUST MOVED and you haven't worked at all and you can't even unpack a box?? it's been 3 weeks! why am I still living out of boxes?? YOU AREN'T contributing ANYTHING to this relationship except heartache. What am I to do??
You keep threatening to move back to hickville. Should I let you? Is that what you really want? YOU couldn't even bring me a flower on our anniversary! NOTHING! I CANNOT CRY ANYMORE TEARS! I AM ALL DRIED UP! yet, they still come, almost everyday.
Sometimes I feel like you feel the same way about me.
Is it even worth it anymore.? the thought of living with out you scares me so much. is it b/c i don't want to be alone?
no, I love you more than anything but something has gotta change. Maybe we got married way too young.. I don't know....

Current mood: crushed

Monday, March 20, 2006

10:06AM - on the verge

This is my "venting" account, so to speak. I use this to release some of the crap that keeps mulling around my brain...particularly with my boyfriend.

To make a long story readable, we've been dating for 9 months, and have been friends for 8 years. In January, I found out that he had all kinds of porn-chatting accounts, and that he was hitting on girls online. When I first confronted him, he lied about it, and I let it be. Then he confessed and got rid of the accounts. I told him I didn't have an issue with him looking at porn, but moreso with him chatting. I don't mind his female friends and I never ask about them. I respect his privacy and I want to trust him. However, last night, I'm pretty sure I caught him talking to a webcam model (sic), and he lied to me about it. It's not the porn that bothers me. It's the lying.

I asked him broadly if he still looked at porn and and he said NO and looked me in the eyes. Later, after he had fallen asleep, I looked at his palmpilot, (because he had to close it fast when I came in the room),I found a chat with some girl and a bunch of nudie pics. Am I too freaked about him lying to me? I didn't leave him before, and I told him I accept him for who he is. If all he's into is a little internet porn, then why not just admit it?

Because he lied to so easily to me, I'm afraid he's lying about other things. Problem is, I'm pregnant. I already have another daughter and I'm worried about being a single parent with two children with two different fathers. I had no idea about his habits or whatnot until after I was pregnant. I feel like it's very unfair of him to lie to me, instead of tell me the truth.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with the idea of getting married anymore, and he told me he wanted to marry me regardless, and that if we didn't get married, he wanted to break up because he didn't want to be in "just a relationship" with me. I think he loves me. Or maybe he believes he does...so why does he lie? I've always been pretty understanding if I just get the truth, and he's even commented on that very fact. Now matter how direct and non-threatening I try to be, he insists that he's not into it anymore, when I know otherwise.

I'm at a loss. I've already been married once, to a man who cheated on me until he was ready to let me go. I am still friends with him, mostly because of our daughter, but I feel that I am over that. I don't think I'm being paranoid, but if someone is lying...how far do you let them go?

Friday, November 11, 2005

9:23PM - i made an account just for ranting so my husband couldn't read

hey everyone. my story is a bit different because i'm not technically broken up yet. i hope that's ok. my husband and i have been together for 2 years, married for 7 months, and our marriage is already starting to fail. i wonder if it was destined to fail from the beginning. for some background info, we had only been dating for 2 months when i moved in with him(2 hours away from my family). the day after we moved in i found out that i was pregnant. we were both really excited about being parents and we loved each other so much. well, i did anyways. a few months later i discovered that he was talking to other women online, either telling them that he was single or that he was in an unhappy relationship. i printed out these conversations and confronted him. he said that it was something he always did and that none of it was true. being naieve and in love, i believed him.

a few months after that i found out that he cheated on me. the girl he cheated on me with told me the very next day, couldn't wait to give me the news. it came out that he'd been seeing her for about a month and that he had broken it off but she came to see him and they ended up having sex. i was devastated but i decided to forgive him. he swore that he would never cheat on me again. 2 weeks after our son was born, he cheated on me again with the same girl. this time i was in a very sticky situation. we had a 2 week old child, i was a stay-at-home mom, he was supporting us, my parents are 2 hours away, and i still loved him. i left for a weekend but came back when he showed up at my moms house looking miserable. as far as i know, he hasn't cheated on me since then.

we got married in march of this year and things were really great. in june i met his ex on livejournal, not knowing that she was his ex at the time. she knew who i was the whole time though. we started talking and became friends, and then she sends me some e-mails and conversations that she had had with my husband right before our wedding. apparently they were thinking about leaving their so's and getting back together, but he decided to get married instead. she has been married for 7 years and has 3 children, but was just going to desert them all for my husband. when i confronted him with this information he confessed, but said that he realized that i was the one he wanted to be with. i left him again for a few days, but came back again because i don't want our son to be without both of his parents.

in august i found out that i am pregnant again. i live with the fear that he is going to cheat on me again, and i don't know how to forget what he did. a few weeks ago he brought up the idea of an open marraige. i have no desire to have sex with anyone else, but he really wants to. i hate the fact that i haven't even been married for a year and it's already pretty much over. i love him with all of my heart but i can't stand the idea of him being with someone else. he says there is no way our marriage can work if we can't come to a compromise on this. he doesn't know it yet, but i'm leaving him after the holidays. he can't be married and act like he's single, it just doesn't work that way. i just hope i'm making the right decision for my family.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

12:17AM - MEN

Jerks, assholes, what the hell?
Ex-Marines gone...blah
Husbands gone...blah
Any wonder I drink too damn much, no....blah

Sunday, October 30, 2005

8:11PM - Ahhhhh....

Well he called me. My ex-marine that is.
And I met up with him, and went to his place, again....
spent the night in the arms of a wonderful, strong, and mature man. Then I had to come back to reality though.

Called the husband, oops, soon-to-be ex-husband, sorry...
Told him to save money out of his next paycheck to file our divorce paperwork. He sounds suddenly concerned...(shock me!) And tells me that he's not ready to file the divorce papers right now. (ugh!)
Further in the conversation we're chatting about me starting to enjoy life where I'm living, since I'm in another part of the state now. And his smart-ass says, "why, you have a boyfriend now?" Of course I told him no, but did say that I was seeing someone. Suprisingly he gets irrate with me...
But why? is what I'm wondering!?

Yeh he says he's trying and that he loves me....
But come on...

He lies to me still,..oh yeh he wrecked his car-only to find out the next day that was a lie and it was really his friends wife that totalled it out.
He doesn't make it a priority to talk to me, see me, or call me. He doesn't send me flowers, a card, nothing....Spends all his free time with his friends. Expects me to believe that in the four months we've been seperated he's "kissed" one girl, sure! Right! Cuz I'm stupid enough to believe that's true.

But to him, these are all the actions of some one who loves they're wife and are working on things really hard...HOW PATHETIC!

Awww...his feelings are hurt. Yeh well mine have been hurt for the past four months, and no amount of crying or begging ever did me any good.

Now I've met this wonderful man, who can make me smile for 3 days after I leave his house. Just cuz I got to sleep in his arms. He's practically all I can think about and I've only gone out with him twice. And I probably won't again cuz he has major issues with the fact that I'm married. Even though I'm seperated, he's still trippin on it. UGH! Perfect guy, and my marriage is going to screw that up for me too. I hope he calls me again, I hope I get to see him again...

Okay I think I've rambled enough about mr. self-centered and Mr. Perfect!

Current mood: enthralled

Thursday, October 27, 2005

1:03AM - Why Is This My Life!!!

I really want to know why this is my life?!
All I wanted was a future with my husband, my house, some kids, and grow old together...how is that too much to ask for!

He calls everyday, but only stays on the phone long enough to tell me that he'll call me later! I sit there and wait for him to say anything in the first five minutes, but he never has anything to say! Then just tells me some bullshit reason to go.

And why can't I just tell him never to call me again and actually never want him too? Why am I waiting for him to say something? Why do I think he'll care enough to ask me not to leave his life forever?

He always acts like I'm not going through anything! I found out when we split up, after seeing the doctor so I didn't kill myself, that I'm bi-polar...and gosh does that explain a lot!

Now I haven't had my meds in a month. And everything is setting me off. I've been crawling out of my skin for about a week now. And I'm exhausted from it. I just want to give up. I don't want to be "sick" anymore. I don't want to cry for days cuz I don't have some stupid little pill!!!

But he doesn't understand or even try to understand that!

Why can't I just be strong and tell him to go f#ck himself? Please dear God, just give me the strength to not talk to him! Please, please, please help me make it through this alive! It's killing me, literally. I sit almost everyday lately and just want to die. I pray for some "accident" to take me so I don't have to do it myself. But I'm so tired of wishing for it, now I find I just want to do it myself.

UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Current mood: depressed

Monday, October 24, 2005

11:20PM - Torn between two worlds...

My lovely and insensitive soon-to-be ex-husband came down for his birthday and expected me to be peaches and cream to him....yeh that didn't work out as he planned. Didn't think it would.
How in the world do you deal with a spouse who loves you one second, and then the next decides that he doesn't want to talk to you for days?
After six years together he puts everything and everyone else first? But then when he comes down I'm suppose to be so thankful for his presence that I should just kiss his ass?
Then I meet a new guy this week who is the whole dang package...and now my husband decides to be nice to me and talk about getting back together? So I'm waiting for this guy to call...hoping he calls, but thinking if he does, what the heck am I gonna do? Ugh! Leave it to my husband to have the worst timing in the world!

Current mood: distressed

Monday, October 17, 2005

2:04PM - New Guy Posting

Hi, new guy posting. Here is my break up story. I put it behind an lj cut. It is kind of long.

( Read more...Collapse )

Current mood: hopeful

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

4:04PM - Bi Polar Love SUX!

I was dating my old high school crush for a terrible six months...all he did was cheat,lie,break up w/me on & off,treat me like shit & all b/c he was bi-polar,so finally after almost exactly 6 mths I got the balls & cheated on him then gave him a 3 hour speech on why I was breaking up with him,mostly it was b/c I am in a custody battle w/my babys father & in the process of trying to move into a 2 bed to be able to get my son back & he was completely not caring/helping with that. BUT,now...he's been calling my friends & me and getting mad when I say were not together,but then asking about my buisiness w/other men which there aren't none & then putting girls on the phone to curse & threaten me! He wants me to move in & I said no b/c were not together nor do I have my son back yet! But,he's phsycho...how do i get rid of him?
I'll admit,I WAS in love w/him & I DO miss him,but theres no way in hell I can get my son back with him...what should I do????

Current mood: aggravated

Saturday, September 10, 2005

10:29PM - Single by choice...

Well... Almost a week ago, I ended a 2 and half year relationship.

I am at a new college and his is at my old one. We don't live in the same town, and now we don't even go to school in the same town. Our lives are taking different directions. He wants to stay in the same place his whole life, I want to go where I am needed. My career can take me anywhere. I loved him and he loved me, but we had many differences. He could not deal with the fact that I am independent among other things. We were not going anywhere. I felt it was not fair to either of us to be in this relationship where we could not see other people or each other.

I am supposed to be the maid of honor in his sister wedding. That decision is pending, depending on the brides decision. She is marrying my cousin, so I will be at the wedding reguardless. The wedding is in May.

I decided to break up, but I just feel real crappy. I never wanted to hurt him. That happens, I know. I just need help coping with this. I have not cried much, until today. I feel that I am going through withdrawls or something. I feel like I need to talk to him, but it is probably too soon. I just want to see if he is ok. I want to thank him for all that he has done for me, etc.

He seemed to take it ok on the phone, but I know it tore him apart inside. I really hate that I caused it, but it was not working. I just know that I could not marry him. We would not have worked.

I just need to get over this, but I feel so empty. I am fine in the daytime, but the nights are so hard. We usually talk on the phone at night. It is just strange. I am trying to adjust. I know that my decision was the right one. I don't regret it. I just need help coping!

Current mood: depressed

Friday, July 8, 2005

2:53AM - the ending

I just got out of a three year relationship with someone. I was prepared and ready to move to another state for this person. We've been through so much together. My mom had brain surgery and he was no where, but when his brother died from cancer, I did everything I could for him. I think it's good that I severed his idea that I would move because we have been really bad at communicating for so long, but at the same time I needed some time. I knew we weren't functioning at all. I knew that we totally didn't work, but I still wanted to believe in what we had. I took a few weeks...I know it was selfish, but I felt like I had to... and when I talked to him again, he of course said all of the things I've been dying to hear for the last three years. He still didn't have anything to show me though. He didn't have proof that he meant what he said or that he'd really gotten what I was trying to tell him. He then got angry at me because I was hesitant and leary. His reactions have been defensiveness and anger.. both of which I don't respond well to. So, last Saturday, I finally did stop everything. I told him I couldn't and/or wouldn't do this anymore. I haven't heard from him since. I'm really concerned about him because he's gone through his share of difficult life events this year, but at the same time, I know I can't be the one who comforts him or comes to his rescue again. His usual past response when I've said something he didn't want to hear was...get mad, not talk to me for a a few days, and then my phone would ring off the hook. I keep waiting for the fallout. I keep trying to muster all of the resolve I have everyday and he doesn't email, call, or show up. It's not typical. I guess he may really get that I meant it. I just don't know.

Current mood: anxious

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

11:36AM

she said everything there was to say to break up with me and i am crushed. we fight a lot in our relationship, but i always thought we knew deep inside that we wanted to be with each other. just last week, we had another fight, and there was silence for a week. we've always had a love-hate relationship, but have come to accept that it's just our thing. we had a talk on sunday, and she said it isn't working out. she didn't think of me, miss me, or cry over our fight the whole week. there were times when i wanted to give up on this, too, but i just never thought that she would actually do it. on the day of our last fight, we had woken up next to each other, happy that we were together and in love. now, she says she feels nothing.

i feel as though someone took my girlie away and replaced her with a clone.

she says she wants to concentrate on her career, that she won't have time for me. our relationship suffered a similar blow the first time she got a job about a year ago but i guess the cumulative fights along the way between then and now makes a whole lot of difference. i moved countries to be with her. she moved out to be with me because her family was against her dating another girl. and now, it's NOTHING.

all i can think about is her having 'forgotten' everything that we've ever been through, the way she 'forgot' the 6 years she spent with her ex right before me. i think of her considering me her lesbian experiment and i just want to die. maybe it's my ego. maybe i'm just an escapist. i just want to disappear. i never want to see her ever again in my life, never want to hear anything about her.

but i see her every moment in my mind's eye.

Current mood: sad

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

10:23AM - Crazy Love Life

I have this new boyfriend...we knew e/other since middleschool...and come to find out we were even in the same elementary school,but we never spoke to e/other b/c we were in totally differ groups,but he claims he had a crush on me & I definently had a crush on him. So,we met up again online...we've been dating for like almost 3mths now I think...I love him to death and from the beginning he said he loved me,wanted me to move in & at one point said he wanted me to have his child..which by the way we both already have 1. But,he's bi-polar I guess...and he sometimes has these episodes where he breaks up with me,tells me all of a sudden he doesn't want me to move in anymore or that he's gonna marry his babies mother. Now all of this breaks my heart,but were fine the next day....I think this may very well be real love then....cuz who can really go threough all that w/out love being there? The only thing that drives me crazy is he changes his mind so frequently & I don't get to see him that much b/c we live 20mins away from one another & neither of us has a car right now....but,I think we can get through all this...how would u suggest we work out these problems though?

Current mood: loved

Monday, June 13, 2005

12:25AM - So much useless arguing.

i'm so confused right now.

i love my new girlfriend. i still have this "feeling" for one of my ex's, but i know i'd never want to go back to her even if the oppurtunity arrived, but yet, i hold this resentment in me because of her and my new girlfriend notices i get hella defensive if anyone so much as mentions her.

its not because i like her, or at least not today, lol, but i think it has to do with tha fact that there are so many unresolved issues.

anyways back to my issue at hand.

the new gf and i are struggling. we're not fighting like harshly, its more like we say dumb things then avoid each other. i dont get it. we have these killer nights, that are so sweet sometimes. and the sex is, oh god, simply incredible, but cassie and i we just have these moments. i know i'm responsible for a lot of our fights, and i know its because i see signs of her being like the EX sometimes so i snap and say something dumb, and then we take a break.

i dont know what to do. we really like/love each other. i know we do. but its so hard. i just dont wanna give up. i think shes more into me than i am into her. not that i'm not into her cuz i am. i just think we both want the same thing (security) but i take the longer more complicated way to get there.

i hope it works out. wow this whole entry sounds confusing. lol.

Friday, June 10, 2005

7:54AM

A little history:

before my now ex, I was mostly in abusive relationships and when I say abusive I mean bad stuff. One guy raped me first with his dick and then with a screwdriver.... awful shit. My family doesn't believe me and thinks I just want attention, and my friends are non-exsistant.

Matthew and I dated for a little over 3 and a half years. His father severely abused him physically and emotionally as a child then he was bounced around in foster care then kicked out on his own at 18. He's been through a lot and so have I and I think that's why we got allong. We understood eachothers pain. But we started dating and things went great. But then my bipolar disorder really kicked in and I got completely mentally unstable and did a buch of insane things. but he stuck by my side through it all.

This I started getting a lot better and now am doing better than ever. (still not perfect though). He's incredibly pretective and was worried about losing me to annother guy because he thought he was fat and ugly. But I'm attracted to the bigger guys. Anyway we set up a bunch of rules to keep us both from getting jealous or hurt. Things were goiung ok untill he started to spend less time and attention on me. Then I think what happened is I started acting out to get attention and it just ruined everything.

finally tonight after several months of fighting he ended it but he still wants us to be close friends and maybe even date in the future .

I'm still madly in love. But he feels it's best that we're just best friends for a while if not forever. I think mainly because he couldn't handle my bipolar ness. I don't really blame him because I can't handle it either. I'm ready to strangle my doctors because I want to be OFF these medications, find out if I really do have diabetes, and be on better medications and weekly counselling. I have some serious issues and problems that need help. And I have a lot of behavior problems that I need to learn how to fix. It's so frustrating to know you're a fuckup but not have a clue how to fix it.... it's even worse when first you lose all your friends, then your family starts to hate you, and to top it off the one thing in the world that gave you strenghth to go on breaks up with you. I want to just work really hard and prove to him that I'm worth it... but I don't really believe I am worth it anymore. I'm the black sheep, the hated, and the broken one. No one wants to be around me and I'm not just feeling sorry for myself. It's the truth and it's my fault. But I don't know how to feel and act normal. I wish I was retarded too... at least then I wouldn't know I was fucked up and I could live in my own little world. Yeah I'm bitching again. And I'm moody and frustrated and feeling sorry for myself. But you would too if you felt how I do about someone then after like 3 and a half years they break up with you and even mention that there is a girl at work....

ugh. I just want to die. I have NO ONE. NO ONE. and no one understands. All his friends think I'm this psyco hanus bitch... and all my friends think he's this controlling abusive asshole

What really sucks is probably no one else will put up with me. I had one guy before who was willing to.... but matt stole me from him... and now that I have like no contact with that other guy, matt throws me away.

I can't even seriously THINK about being with annother guy.... I can't I know I would compare him to matt constantly. And it wouldn't work. And if matt starts seeing someone else it's going to hurt so bad. I don't want to be his psyco ex girlfriend. I want to be able to still be a good friend... but I don't know if I can..... I care so damn much about him and I'm selfish... I want him all to myself and I can't

I don't know what I'm going to do.... he was my world.. my WHOLE world and I know I shoudln't have been so obsessed with him but I just loved him so much.

I was such a horrible girlfriend. And I want him to go on and be happy, but I can't help but sit here and bawl about it. It hurts so fucking much.I want to die I would rather die than feel this pain. I can't stand it. Please saw my legs off and break my bones, just don't take the man I love away.

I seriously don't think I can handle this. I want to be able to... I want to be ok but I'm not. and I'm alone. I have no clue what I'll do if he starts dating again. no clue. I wouldn't be able to handle it I know I would just die. I can't do this I can't. I don't want to think about it I don't want it to be true I want to rewind time and go back and be perfect. I can't live with outhim

I don't know if I need help or what but I'm going to die of a broken heart. I'm not being a drama queen. I can't even express how much this hurts. I'm trying so hard to be mature about it.... but I can't go on.... not alone

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

9:54PM - i love this community

i've made some great friends through this group here, and have gotten some of the greatest advice LJ has to offer. nevermind lacey and i's petty arguing, its nice to have people see it from both sides.

now, i dont think i'm always right about lacey and I. andwhat went wrong and what went right. all i can really say is how it is that I, personally, feel. i dont ask anyone to agree, or disagree. i love the advice and feedback.

in all honesty, yes lace and I's break up was one of a thousand for me, but i'm here because its been my most difficult.

my life is great. with the exception of my love life. i love my job, my daughter, my family and friends. and like a good friend on here told me, you have to remember, things happen for a reason and people are ex's for a reason.

so we didnt work out. its not the end of the world. but thanks to this sight it has made it easier to accept the things that HAVE happened, and learn from them. I have so much more to offer women now, then i did back then. Everyday i continue to learn and experience new things. i couldnt ask for anything more.

thank you. all of you.

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