Note from the maintainer... (original) (raw)

Children of Anpu > Recent Entries> Archive> Friends> Profile	January 25th, 2006 keepershaven12:31 pm - Note from the maintainer...For those of you who may have been wondering, I am the maintainer/owner of this community. Regretfully, I haven't been around much as of late, as I've been fighting a seemingly never-ending struggle with my depression. I hope you can understand. I probably still won't be active much, but I will try to be more active than I have been in the past... For those interested in knowing, here's a cross-post from my personal journal as to what's happening:One more day to waste away. It seems so pointless. Why must I be put through this? I hurt inside, more than anyone truly knows, but so few even attempt to understand.I've talked to psychologists and psychiatrists, theropists and the like. None of them helped me. I hated them all. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't trust them! Why should I talk to someone about my deepest pains I didn't trust?I sink lower into my depression as it continues to dig my grave so prematurely. My heart races as I try to put my words out for others to see. I feel so detached from it all, like the words aren't even my own, though I know they are.No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. But I know that's not entirely true...There are some people, a select few that I have talked to before, that I trust and hold dear to me. I love them, and I hope they love me in return. I call them my friends, but really they are more of a true family to me, the way a family is supposed to be. I didn't have a good family. I still don't...One more day, wasting away as I sit here, typing this, waiting for 3:00 to roll around. No one's here. I'm by myself, all alone, my only company a purple fish and a cat. While they can easily listen, they can't really offer their support. And the cat hates me anyway. He's off in another room after I made him stop trying to get the fish.My chest hurts. It's hard to breath sometimes. I don't feel like myself. I only want to cry.My husband and I got in a fight yesterday over using the last bit of our money to get the car fixed. He said he had found someone who would sell us a tire for $20. The only problem, he didn't even make sure it was the right one we needed. It was the right size, inch wise, but he didn't listen to me when I told him there's more to it than just that. Why won't he ever trust me on these things?I feel so alone, even when other people are near. I hate this! Why can't I be happy?! That's all I want...is to be happy... No one will let me, though.I cry at least once a day, when no one is around to see me. I only eat once a day now, too depressed to go fix me something unless someone else tells me to. Gods know how many times my friends from the internet, that don't even know me in person, insist I go fix me something. And I actually do it, and I'll eat it. Just because they show enough caring for me... I don't want to disappoint them.I don't know what to do. I have no one I can really talk to anymore. No one that can hold me when I need to cry. My dreams have been haunted by thoughts of my deceased family. It's scaring me, even though nothing hostile is occuring in my dreams. When my mother had simular dreams, she was close to dying. I'm not ready to die...Anpu, take me away from this pain, from this fear... Please...Current Mood: distressed(3 comments \| Leave a comment)From:akomachi Date:January 25th, 2006 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)~offers a hug and prayers for you~(Reply) (Thread) From:keepershaven Date:January 26th, 2006 07:39 am (UTC) (Link)**hugs Thank you. I know it's not my time to go yet. I have to be here for my son (who will be turning 2 on May 25th). During a meditation last night, Anpu came to me, though briefly, to reassure me I would not be joining him just yet. I have too much left to do before it is time for me to leave this world and go to the next.It's just disturbing me as to how the people that are so close to me in person don't know when I'm troubled, and yet my friends that only know me from the internet seem to pick up merely by my text in IMs/PMs that something is not right. I don't understand... I know I'm not hiding my outer emotions that well. It takes all the will I can muster to keep from crying in front of them sometimes.But again, thank you for your support and prayers, dear sister. hug(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) From:aztek207 Date:March 2nd, 2006 11:49 am (UTC) Depression(Link)**Hey,I know you don't know me, but it's my personal duty to ask you: Have you been to a chiropractor?Most ppl think Chiropractic is just for back pain, but in reality, it's about freeing your nervous system to do its job, which is regulate your entire body, including the way you feel.I struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time, but after seeing a chiropractor regularly, I've been doing much better.You'd be amazed at the difference chiropractic can make and it seems as if you're struggling. I don't want you to, and you don't have to. I have my own personal story and there are dozens more I could tell you of people who have been helped. Find a chiropractor in your area. You have nothing to lose.E-mail me at aztek206@yahoo.com if you have any questions.I care,Terell(Reply) (Thread)
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Children of Anpu > Recent Entries> Archive> Friends> Profile

January 25th, 2006

**12:31 pm - Note from the maintainer...**For those of you who may have been wondering, I am the maintainer/owner of this community. Regretfully, I haven't been around much as of late, as I've been fighting a seemingly never-ending struggle with my depression. I hope you can understand. I probably still won't be active much, but I will try to be more active than I have been in the past... For those interested in knowing, here's a cross-post from my personal journal as to what's happening:One more day to waste away. It seems so pointless. Why must I be put through this? I hurt inside, more than anyone truly knows, but so few even attempt to understand.I've talked to psychologists and psychiatrists, theropists and the like. None of them helped me. I hated them all. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't trust them! Why should I talk to someone about my deepest pains I didn't trust?I sink lower into my depression as it continues to dig my grave so prematurely. My heart races as I try to put my words out for others to see. I feel so detached from it all, like the words aren't even my own, though I know they are.No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. But I know that's not entirely true...There are some people, a select few that I have talked to before, that I trust and hold dear to me. I love them, and I hope they love me in return. I call them my friends, but really they are more of a true family to me, the way a family is supposed to be. I didn't have a good family. I still don't...One more day, wasting away as I sit here, typing this, waiting for 3:00 to roll around. No one's here. I'm by myself, all alone, my only company a purple fish and a cat. While they can easily listen, they can't really offer their support. And the cat hates me anyway. He's off in another room after I made him stop trying to get the fish.My chest hurts. It's hard to breath sometimes. I don't feel like myself. I only want to cry.My husband and I got in a fight yesterday over using the last bit of our money to get the car fixed. He said he had found someone who would sell us a tire for $20. The only problem, he didn't even make sure it was the right one we needed. It was the right size, inch wise, but he didn't listen to me when I told him there's more to it than just that. Why won't he ever trust me on these things?I feel so alone, even when other people are near. I hate this! Why can't I be happy?! That's all I want...is to be happy... No one will let me, though.I cry at least once a day, when no one is around to see me. I only eat once a day now, too depressed to go fix me something unless someone else tells me to. Gods know how many times my friends from the internet, that don't even know me in person, insist I go fix me something. And I actually do it, and I'll eat it. Just because they show enough caring for me... I don't want to disappoint them.I don't know what to do. I have no one I can really talk to anymore. No one that can hold me when I need to cry. My dreams have been haunted by thoughts of my deceased family. It's scaring me, even though nothing hostile is occuring in my dreams. When my mother had simular dreams, she was close to dying. I'm not ready to die...Anpu, take me away from this pain, from this fear... Please...Current Mood:

distressed(3 comments | Leave a comment)

From:

akomachi Date:January 25th, 2006 10:42 am (UTC) **(Link)~offers a hug and prayers for you~(Reply) (Thread) From:keepershaven Date:January 26th, 2006 07:39 am (UTC) (Link)*hugs* Thank you. I know it's not my time to go yet. I have to be here for my son (who will be turning 2 on May 25th). During a meditation last night, Anpu came to me, though briefly, to reassure me I would not be joining him just yet. I have too much left to do before it is time for me to leave this world and go to the next.It's just disturbing me as to how the people that are so close to me in person don't know when I'm troubled, and yet my friends that only know me from the internet seem to pick up merely by my text in IMs/PMs that something is not right. I don't understand... I know I'm not hiding my outer emotions that well. It takes all the will I can muster to keep from crying in front of them sometimes.But again, thank you for your support and prayers, dear sister. *hug*(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) From:aztek207 Date:March 2nd, 2006 11:49 am (UTC) Depression(Link)**Hey,I know you don't know me, but it's my personal duty to ask you: Have you been to a chiropractor?Most ppl think Chiropractic is just for back pain, but in reality, it's about freeing your nervous system to do its job, which is regulate your entire body, including the way you feel.I struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time, but after seeing a chiropractor regularly, I've been doing much better.You'd be amazed at the difference chiropractic can make and it seems as if you're struggling. I don't want you to, and you don't have to. I have my own personal story and there are dozens more I could tell you of people who have been helped. Find a chiropractor in your area. You have nothing to lose.E-mail me at aztek206@yahoo.com if you have any questions.I care,Terell(Reply) (Thread)

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