secret diaries (original) (raw)

(no subject)	[Jun. 12th, 2012|10:41 pm]Fall Together
[Mood** |determined]Hey girls and boys:)Well I've got my own (awesome and totally amazing) laptop now, so Ican get on here without worrying about my mom seeing and getting suspicious! yay! So I just wanted to drop in and say that I hope that all of you are doing well and that if you need anybody to talk to you can come to me because I love all of you and would love to be able to know all of youuu! As for me, I've been doing pretty shitty, I've gained so much weight these past couple of months I don't even know what to do about it anymore. :\I'm currently staying with my aunt and uncle in CA for the summer, I'm pretty psyched about it. I really need to start working out again,going for my runs and using my Nike Training Club app on my iPod, I could also use it on my computer since it's an apple I guess.I miss you all, and can't wait to begin posting on here regularly again. <3 Jules**
link	comment

I love my body!	[Apr. 28th, 2012|01:47 pm]Fall Together
[**Mood** |happy]Recovery is a scary thing. When my psychiatrist told me I hade an eating disorder, I cried, because I knew it meant that I had to gain weight. My bmi was about 17 and if I had my way, I would have lost and lost and lost until something horrible happened and I told her that.Since I've been medicated (I have Bipolar I) and in therapy, I've feel better about myself. I did freak out because I gained 10 pounds in a month. Some of it was period bloat, and some of it was due to really bad food choices, like going out to eat constantly. Then I found out I have osteoarthitis in my knee + hypermobility, causing horrific, constant knee pain. I gave up on exercising for a while. Recently, I found that walking and pilates is okay, and if my knee hurts, I take a rest or cut my routine short. I use Walk Away The Pounds. You can choose to walk in place for 1-4 miles. It only takes 15 minutes for the one mile "walk", and it doesn't hurt my knees one bit.Between doing that, pilates, and short ab workouts, my body has changed a lot. My problem area is my butt. However, my butt is much, much fimer. I'm starting to get oblique definition in my abs, and lower back dimples, which I've never had before.Also, I can eat loads more food and still stay the same. On top of my usual food, I had two huge bowls of mac and cheese (practically the whole box), two big, double chocolate chip cookies and a good amount of Goldfish crackers. Guess what? I didn't gain! That's such an improvement, as I only used to eat around 450 calories a day. I'm still a size four (women)/size seven (junior clothing). The shorts that I wore when I was 112-115 lbs? They fit perfectly. Didn't think I'd be able to wear them. Jeans actually look good on me for once, they're not baggy anymore. I am not cured. I do have bad days. I have ED thoughts and the temptation to starve to lose a little weight, but it comes at a horrible, emotional toll. I still see myself bigger than I really am and I don't think I'll ever be able to see myself as normal, and I do want my weight to be at the low end of normal. For me, that's 120 lbs, a bmi of 18.8. I will not go any lower than that, I don't feel the need to. I do have a super small frame. I can touch my pinky and my thumb together around my wrist, with some space to spare. If I had a larger frame, I'd probably be around 125-130 lbs.I didn't think I would ever be happy with myself. I thought happiness = starvation. I was very resistant with eating more and gaining weight, especially on Seroquel, which is known for weight gain. When people say "it gets better", I thought it was a big fat lie and that I would be wrapped up in my ED forever. I asked my psychiatrist if it's even possible to totally recover, as I know ED's have a high relapse rate. She said she has had patients who have 100% recovered. She told me that she didn't doubt that I could. She said I would. Right know, I would say I am 80/20. 80 percent positive, 20 percent negative when it comes to my body image. Before, it was something like 10/90. As I have OCD, I saw everything as flawed. But that's not the case, it's just my mind playing tricks on me.Anyways, for those who think that it's not possible to recover, that weight gain means never fitting into your clothes again, that you'll be fat because you're eating more: it's NOT true. You know what eating regularly and exercising does? It enables you to eat more and stay at a stable weight. Yes, you will gain initially. Like I said, I gained ten pounds in a month and thought recovery was bullshit at first. But that weight gain goes to restoring muscles, organs, and feeds your brain. It does stabilize and then you'll find that maintaning weight is easy after a while. Basically what I am saying is this: don't be afraid, and start living. I hope that in seven years, I can say I've fully recovered.
link	9 comments|comment

(no subject)	[Apr. 4th, 2012|05:13 pm]Fall Together
[**Mood** |distressed]Hey, so I know most of you probably don't remember me, but I've flitted in and out of this group for a while. Life just gets so busy that I go months without posting and then I feel really bad and spend like an hour updating everyone on my dismal and disappointing life. Ugh so I'm pretty bitter at the world right now. I'm at my highest weigh ever, but I did start taking slimquick today so hopefully that will help. Prom is an a month, I'm freaking out, I have to look good this year! I recently (two days ago) found out that I didn't receive any of the business scholarships that I applied for from my college, *sigh* and I only got 5500 from FAFSA and 2500 from my college. I'm screwed if I don't figure out what I'm going to do. School is currently kicking my ass, I have so much to do, and I'm so stressed out, but I only have 35 days left! :) yay. ha I just need a break. ughh I can't wait for my summer vacation. I've been talking to a new psychologist, she's pretty nice, I feel like it hasn't really helped me yet, I don't know, maybe I'm just immune to help, maybe it's because I don't want to be helped. Ugh. Life is crazy and I just need it to slow down. Well that's my life right now.. How are you guys???
link	1 comment|comment

Post whoring...	[Jan. 17th, 2012|11:42 am]Fall Together
[Where |Scotland] [Mood	anxious]Me again, sorry.just remembering this community back in the day when i was about 13, there was a lot more girls and guys posting, of corse, there was a lot more uncomfortable drama which is something i am glad the community seems to have left behind :).Something we used to do to get the ball rolling was a little question post, just to get us all reacquainted...so, if you can be bothered, here are some Q's for you all :)( Read more...Collapse )
link	12 comments|comment

I'm back!	[Jan. 16th, 2012|05:04 pm]Fall Together
[Where |scotland] [Mood	anxious] [Music	I am Kloot]haven't been positing here in about a year now :0! shocking. Sadly my eating problems haven't been on pause since then. I supose i should re STAT myself,Name: KatAGE: 19HIEGHT: 5,6HIGHWEIGHT: 133 LbsLOW WEIGHT: 98 LBs (Back when i was 14 till i was 15)CURRENT WEIGHT: 130 lbwBasically been going between 119 and 130 for the past 4 years or so, trying not to loose my mind or gain too much. it's like being on some kind of mad see saw, too thin! to fat! up down, gain loose. i know all of you will understand, that's actually why came back seeing as i can feel my self loosing again and i know i'm going to need a bit of support. also, i really missed this kind of community. we're not pro ana, and we are not al in recovery, we're a very special place, focused on helping each other stay healthy and happy. I missed this :) hope you are all well xx Also, i'm from Scotland so hey for that! xxx
link	7 comments|comment

The dreaded "A" word.	[Dec. 14th, 2011|03:03 pm]Fall Together
[**Mood** |blank]Anorexic. Anorexic. Anorexic.That's what the psychiatrist said I was yesterday. She also says I have obsessive compulsive disorder and -may- have bi-polar disorder. She gave me a small dose of Seroquel to let me try, and then said she will probably had litihium down the line.I was honest with her. More honest with her than anyone else. I knew I had a problem because I was seeing myself as fat with a bmi of 17.4. I told her than I'm 118 lbs now. That's bordering on underweight for my height, and I am not going to lie, I am going to try to lose. It's not going to make things any better, and I know I am being irrational. But in my twisted mind, I'm too big. I guess I still meet the AN criteria because I don't get periods unless I'm on hormonal birth control. She says I need treatment. That is true, but she's not an ED specialist so I don't know what her plans are for me. If she wants me to see a therapist, I'll do that. I am scared of gaining weight and getting fat but I also don't want to live my life this way anymore. I deserve something beyond this. If I could get the negative thoughts to go away, the thoughts that eat me alive, then I just may have a future.The only things I didn't like were that she said my current weight and low weight were "gross", and that I'm damaging my heart muscle and stuff by eating the amount of calories I do. Maybe it's true for most people, but so far it's not. I told her I see a Cardiologist and he does Echo's on me and they're fine. But she said: "Well, I am a doctor...who are you going to listen to? me or yourself?"Other than that, she was ok. I'm not mad at her for saying any of that because I realize she's trying to shock me into seeing how dangerous it is, but it's akin to saying: "well, why don't you just eat!?"I see her again next week. On the upside, Seroquel made me sleep like a champ. I actually don't mind that because I'd rather be sleeping than staying up all night because I'm feeling manic.
link	9 comments|comment

(no subject)	[Nov. 19th, 2011|07:01 pm]Fall Together
My saturday night:)) gotta love stats....Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
link	4 comments|comment