at the breaking point... (original) (raw)

	when there's no one left...

September 11th	[Monday June 18th, 2007]
[ **mood** | infuriated ] Alright. To all of you conspiracy nuts out there, I have this to say to you.SHUT THE FUCK UP!I don't want to hear your version of the truth, I don't want to hear why the "official truth" is wrong. I don't want to hear anything about it. The event is getting on in years. Honestly, if I had died in those attacks, I'd not want my family dwelling on the who's, the how's, or the why's. I'd rather they went on with their lives, remembering my life, opposed to my death.Seriously. Dragging it out to such a length as you have only further hurts those affected by the events more than they already have. Do you honestly think you are working in their best interest? Or are you simply looking for a means to glorify yourselves by uncovering some massive scam that involves everyone working in the government?Let's play out that scenario. You expose the government as a huge corporate scam. The people revolt against this false leadership, and riot against it. Said government falls. The laws that once stabilized the nation are now unable to be trusted, nor the upholders thereof. The police can no longer bring order to the nation. The US falls to chaos. Canada laughs at us.Do you want that?
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My word is my bond	[Wednesday April 11th, 2007]
[ **mood** | sad ] This video hurt me to watch. It reminded me of how much I hate my situation. I shouldn't be sitting on my ass. I should be doing what I gave my word to do, possibly laying down my life in defense of what I love. I should be alongside these people, fighting for the cause for which we agreed to defend.At this point in my life, all I have to give is my word. My word is my bond, my lifeblood, my heart. Having my word broken because of something out of my control breaks my heart. I am left feeling empty. Yes, there are people who say the fact that I gave my word to do this in the first place is enough. But not for me. I mean, how good is my word if all that counts is the intent?Don't misread this. I hold myself to a code of honor, and I would lay down my life, without a second thought. It's just an issue that I feel as though I cheated my way out of my word. That's not the case, at all, but I can't help feeling that way.
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Mark my words	[Wednesday March 21st, 2007]
[ **mood** | enraged ] If I EVER find out your identities, I will make you regret every wrong you've ever done. Every person you've slighted. Every innocence you've corrupted. Everything. You will scream for mercy in a way that the darkest of gods will envy and pity your plight, and I will not relent. The tales of your torment at my hand will be the subject of darkest nightmare. You will wish for a vile death that will never arrive.You will pay.
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	[Friday October 27th, 2006]
[ **mood** | depressed ] Okay, I'm tired of trying to pretend that everything in my life is perfectly fine. I can't take it anymore acting like the happy go lucky person when my life is full of termoil and practically falling apart at the seams. I'm teetering on the edge of a mental and emotional breakdown and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do once this happens. And I'm scared. I'm so scared of falling back into the depression I was in almost two years ago, when I didn't care about my life, or the people that were in it. I remember the day I almost killed myself, December 7th, 2004. That was my lowest point, but luckily I was able to get myself out of it and continue to live. But this time I'm not so sure.This time I'm debating on shutting myself down, to no longer care like I once did. To no longer feel emotions, to pretty much keep to myself and no longer give a damn. To just give up and not give a damn about my life. That is how I feel right now given everything that has happened within the last 4 hours. Four hours it took my life from being half way decent to hell on earth.My grandmother sometime within this week is expected to go into surgery to have some of her lung cancer removed to help her live longer, except that she has a strong risk of dying on the table. But they want to do this so that she has a longer time to live and say good bye to her family. She also has to go in for other things I believe, but she didn't say.And this women raised me. This women took care of me when I was a child, when my mother didn't really want me, or deal with me. She taught me the values I hold today and try to use in my daily life. On how to be polite even when the person could be a real bitch. She was the ONLY one in my family who actually congraduated me when I graduated early, knowing all of the struggles I've been through during those four years. She wants me to go to college, and with everything I have to do to get there, she might not live to see that happen. And I feel like a failure. An absolute failure cuz she might not be there to see me go through this experiance. To congradulate me when no one else in my family will. This is her only dream for me, to see me become something greater then her, then my mother, and of my siblings. If I do this, then I'd have been the only sibling out of 5 to have made it to college. She knows that I can do this, and that I have the intellegence to do this, and the drive if I put myself forth to do this. She wants me to make something of myself and all that I can be.The other thing I found out is that Michelle is also dying from cancer, but of a diffrent kind. Bladder cancer. And, her kidneys are failing. So she has to go into surgery for that and she also has a high risk of dying. Hell, in her last surgery she stopped breathing. But with this surgery, they're going to take the baby out. . . my niece. . . and I never got to see her. They have to do this to help Michelle live. But I don't want to loose my family. Even if they treat me like shit, that baby is still my family. When it's all said and done, it still shares my blood.So that's everything. That is why I feel like I'm going to fall off the edge of my control. I feel as if someone takes another tug at my 'body' I'm going to break and you will no longer have the same Lone as you once did before this would've happened. You will no longer have the same Lone-chan that was all smiles and a facade. You would have the real me, the Lone I try to hide behind my many masks, and occasionally get a glimpse of from time to time. The one that doesn't love, but only hurts. That only sees the pain in things, the one who has Death haunting her around every corner, every turn. But that's the thing, I don't like this Lone. This Lone is broken inside with no real help to change. She doesn't have a smile on her face, and looks down at the floor instead of seeing them in the eye. She has no confidence in everything she does, and wonders what would've happened if she took a diffrent path. Accustom to Death, and welcoming it, wanting it to come, no longer wearing the mask of Happiness.This is the real me. The one I strive to get away from, but always come back too. This one welcomes me with open arms, putting seeds of deception in my mind. But. . . like I said, this is the real me, the one I hate, but at the same time turn out to be. Both of these are one in the same, they are me.~L.S.W.**For those of you on my friend's list, I apologize for the double posting**
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	[Wednesday September 20th, 2006]
[ **mood** | sick ] When I heard his voice and then saw him again for the first time in six months, I was so happy. And then, even though not all of us were there, with those of us that were, it seemed like our group was complete again. We were never supposed to be the friends who were ripped to shreds by lies, drugs, sex, and who knows what else. But we fell apart so easily. We came together again even more easily. I don't want that to be gone again. Is the only thing that can bring us back together really just one person visiting home? I want my friends back. I want my life back. On another note, college homework is destroying me bit by bit.
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Taken from my MS page, seems appropriate.	[Sunday July 30th, 2006]
[ **mood** | apathetic ] I realize that this world is not as it was. Ideas of chivalry are now considered chauvinistic; war is not fought between combatants in an open field; appearance is more important than the product; and the fate of some is determined in a back room filled with overweight men smoking $500 cigars who could care less about proper laurels of morality. A child's dreams stand less of a chance to survive due to this, and they are being set up only to fall. Hard.I am also a victim of this. Those ideals I hold dear seem to become less true to their intentions, as the world tells me that such thoughts are immature, that "there's no room for fruitless ideology." In this, I find the world to be dark, cold, and unfeeling.However, there are things in this world that seem to call out to me, in an attempt to dissuade me from completely abandon these things I've let deep into me. It seems as though the world is at war with itself.And, as such, I am at war with myself. There are times when I find myself wishing destruction upon every living thing, brought down by my hand. And yet, in my dreams, I see myself as a champion of the dying ideals of an old world. The joys of one often clash with the other, and yet, I can switch between the two blindingly quick. There is nary a day where both thoughts haven't crossed my war torn subconscious.In this life, I request only a few things:-A sharp blade at my side-The knowledge to wield it, and wield it properly-A cause in which to defend with it (A country, a lord, a woman)-An enemy to defend my cause againstI realize that such things cannot be attained, save for the black depths of my mind. However, there was a time in which these things were not only within the reach of men, but often commonplace, and even shunned.But is it too much to ask? Even to this day, man's obsession with the sword is still strong. I have actually been punished for my weaponry, proving that I am not beyond them.Be that as it may, why do I feel drawn to them beyond a simple aesthetic appeal? Every blade that I come across, every sword and dagger that comes into my grasp, I feel this almost destructive urge to strap it to my side and begin drawing blood against the enemies of my unknown lord (This could be tied to that numerologist's prediction). However, both the societal laws and the mindset raised in the dark and unfeeling world prevent me from taking up arms. Is this true, Or is it my deep subconscious holding me back from a path wrought by the demons it binds?These thoughts are not normal.This isn't normal.
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Not good	[Sunday July 30th, 2006]
[ **mood** | depressed ] So like always im still depressed and why because i cant let go of the past. This is why i dont get attached to people because you can get hurt to easy. But i have not cut myself in a while so yeah for me. But i guess i really should not hold everything in like i do because that makes everything worse so says my friends but yeah here is my post.
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New	[Friday July 28th, 2006]
[ **mood** | dorky ] So im new and yeah that is about it. I don't really know what to say so ill end this now.
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Introduction	[Friday July 21st, 2006]
[ **mood** | angry ] Greetings. My name (as far as I'm willing to impart) is Az, and I'm here to vent out my frustration about the pain of betrayal (while it does hurt, it will take a while to to elaborate, so we'll save that for another day). I do not seek advice, but I do not reject it."But beware all those angels with their wings glued on" - Smashing Pumpkins
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May you come with your own knives..	[Thursday July 13th, 2006]
[ **mood** | Slipping.... ] You'll never take me alive.With all the voice of what is true, is there nothing I can do..Where the willows weep and the whirlpools sleep, you'll find me...may someone find me and stay, until I can walk again..stay until I can see forward, until I can see my soul healingstay until I can hear myself breathing...stay so I know you're not leavingMay someone, or something...grant me the strength to fight my nightmare, and watch it ride away..without me...The water is five feet deep, the mirror beneath and around the well walls reflect the sunlight coming in through the top of the tall, tubular structure. He lowers her into the water slowly, lying with eyes closed and comatose she does'nt realize this. She is lowered until competely submerged..sunlight from above bounces light off of her soaked white gown under the crystal clear water, her long black hair floating around her...she sinks to the bottom of the mirrored well. He disappears..
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