flammifera, posts by tag: friends - LiveJournal (original) (raw)

I intend to write a post about how life here at the Zen Center started easing in the second week, as well as the intensive, painful, silent sesshin weekend, but while I've been pondering how to begin that post, I want to capture this moment, this evening at the beginning of the 2-week staff summer break. I've almost spent a full month here...I know a handful of sangha members now, who also know me by name. I've been breaking in the shoes I bought for my work in the kitchen, I have housekeeping assignments like all the staff and I know where most dishes get stored in the kitchen, and MOST EXCITINGLY the seamstress just finished my own robe that I ordered. It thrills me to have my own robe, so I don't have to worry about tripping during prostrations or swimming in waists or sleeves that are too wide. I'm also deeply excited and proud of outward accomplishments in my practice; I've survived my first (2-day) sesshin, and I've received approval to become a formal student of the abbot here.The sitting has eased too, since sesshin. When I arrived here, I realized that a lot of pain builds during 35-minute rounds that didn't develop during the 15 minutes I would (occasionally) sit at home; every round seemed vulnerable to so many different kinds of pain that I didn't know how to handle. However, after experiencing the seemingly-unending and unbearable pain that builds during a whole freakin' day of sitting, a single round no longer scares me, even 3 rounds in an evening. It's also tremendous to realize, just in the last couple days, that all the sitting and all the advice/feedback on posture is starting to pay off; I'm still experimenting, but I had a couple days of rounds that were actually comfortable in the cross-legged position. Even more deeply tremendous is the way I've realized, again in the last couple days, that my impatience is starting to ease in the tiniest ways. The rounds no longer always feel like an endurance trial, annoying, frustratingly counting the seconds tick by and wondering when it will end. Now I'm a tiny bit more willing to simply sit in the present, even if it's just a second or two before my mind wanders; I enjoy that second or two, instead of wondering how many of those seconds I have to manufacture before I can stand up.There are other deeper realizations I'm starting to have about myself too, that I'll try to mention in the post directly on sesshin. In the meantime here, I'm remembering Roshi's words, during the sitting after sesshin, about the deeper quiet infusing the room. He quietly thundered, 'Never doubt the power of zazen!' I feel amazed and astounded at the shifts I feel within even a month, I feel proud of myself for persevering through the pain, continuing to sit and listen to my body and the warm advice of the staff and teachers here. I feel joyful with, and enjoy, the friendliness and encouragement that everyone here is offering me. I feel deeply moved and appreciative that my parents are so loving, even though my explorations of Buddhism and my own beliefs cause them some concern, given their Christian convictions. (No real desire to open a conversation on that topic, at this point.) I feel honored and grateful for the support and excitement of my friends too, especially my dear ones in Philly and those everywhere who cheer on my FB status updates. This journey is profound for me, but I want to bring you all with me.And now, I have two weeks off. No homework, no work brought home, no apartment to tend. I have projects on a list, but they're organizational projects that I've wanted to do for years. I can make progress now, but I can also visit friends without a real to-do list for any type of work. I feel incredibly fortunate and blessed.[FYI, zazen is the name for the sitting meditation practiced in Zen Buddhism, which is often simply called 'sitting'. The exact details vary throughout the day, but formal sittings here happen in timed rounds; an evening sitting is 3 35-minute rounds, with walking meditation in between. There are a couple monitors that time the rounds and make sure everything goes smoothly -- and what I'm noticing and enjoying most in this post, is that I no longer feel convinced that one of them has fallen asleep or forgotten to look at the clock or the clock has stopped working or some other torturous possibility...]the audience: dorm at Rochester Zen Centerthe feeling: proudthe bard: insects outside Tags: awesome, friends, me, retreat, rzc (5 sparks | spark a light)

Last Friday I had a clearness committee, borrowing from the practice of Friends/Quakers. In the community of my closest friends here in Philadelphia (plus A), I came to internally-official decisions that I had already felt drawn towards... I will leave my job (not take a leave of absence), and I will pursue plans to spend time at the Rochester Zen Center. I will probably step away from my life -- and my boss and all my farmers -- here in Philadelphia around the end of June.I want to allow myself time to settle into all the emotions and intentions I've explored in RC for the past (almost) 2.5 years. I want to find peace between my authoritarian/conservative upbringing and my mystical/progressive desires as a young woman. I want to strip away all the anecdotes and details of my job to explore what I'm learning satisfies me as daily work. I certainly don't expect to reach any 'final' decisions about who I am or what I want, but I feel desire and need to take my next step along my path in relative quiet, a retreat.I deeply believe this is a good and wise decision, the right time. But for now, I am sad for the time I must step away from the life I've built here, the innumerable connections within dance communities, urban friends, local food colleagues and farmers, shopkeepers and daily life. I've poured my heart into a deeply-connected life here.the audience: homethe feeling: melancholythe bard: Fac Ut Ardeat Cor Meum, Dvorak Tags: friends, future, job, life, philadelphia, rc, religion, retreat, seasons (spark a light)

I am amazed tonight, on the edge of what I can comprehend yet ready to embrace more, about my week and life and growth. I am in love with my relationships, and my intense emotions.I apologize in advance that some of these phrases will be cryptic, and yet... consider them placeholders. Fill them with whatever intensity of emotion or moment of calm flashes or drifts into your mind and heart._The tingling sharpness, relaxing excitement of whiskey or wine.Confidence, pride, respect for myself: assurance of place amid the thoughtful, wise people I choose to surround me.Sobs that felt like they pulled my heart clear through my ribs and spine.Exultant, eager light-heartedness for creative love.Astoundingly productive responses, from sparks of fiercely defending my perspective to the realization that I can surrender in apology. No need to fight for myself, simply acknowledging that I want to grow. Excitement for the possibilities of retreat...space, time, reflection, satisfaction, soothing...yet sadness at stepping away from the life I have built._All of this, intensely. Almost too intensely, tiringly. All of these feelings I don't think I named or welcomed, before. I welcome the growing sense of calm that I can claim my place as a woman, yet I will still walk amid the intensity and push into it. What moments of intensity stay with you, from this week?Also, I'm tending towards an intention of writing a reflective post once a week; that seems accessible. I have jury duty (!) mid-week, so next week's post might come out of that time sitting around. A possible topic is reflecting on a difficult interaction with a religious leader...the audience: homethe feeling: gratefulthe bard: Autumn in Amherst (internal) Tags: drinking, flame bearer, friends, future, impotent hurt, life, personal life, rc, urban life, womanhood (2 sparks | spark a light)

The T and I got off to a bad start, this visit. I took the airport shuttle to Logan with Ted & Lynn and caught the Silver Line, but my journey to Boyleston St did not go smoothly. It pissed me off -- since I do not usually fail at public transit navigation! -- that I failed to find the SL4/5, so I had to go back into the T station to catch the Red Line -> Green Line. All the Green trains go to Boyleston St, so I didn't have to put a lot of thought into navigating Park St, but geez louise what a nightmare of navigation! Then on my way back, after my quick and successful procurement of a new phone at the Verizon store, the till at Copley malfunctioned in such a way that it deducted two rides from my Charlie Ticket, and there was no customer service person around. Grr.But my MBTA experience improved... I took buses a number of times, and I was repeatedly reminded that in my limited experience with Boston bus drivers, they give the impression of being less completely impatient and taciturn than Philadelphia bus drivers. AND when I didn't have enough money left on my Charlie Ticket, I discovered a cool solution from the MBTA to the problem of giving change for bus fare: the MBTA buses print a Charlie Ticket with the value of the change you're owed (e.g. 0.50afterputtingin0.50 after putting in 0.50afterputtingin2.00 for a $1.50 fare). THEN, lo and behold, the Charlie Card/Ticket machines at the T stop allow you to COMBINE stored values on more than one Charlie Ticket. I am so impressed by how sensible and helpful that is, contrasted with SEPTA's steadfast refusal to be helpful by giving change at all or using smart cards, etc.Camp was different this year, but good. There were people who weren't there, that I missed. There were people who were there for the first time in awhile, that I love. There were many people there, who are always at camp with me. :) There were those new to camp and a program director unfamiliar to me, so sometimes the week felt less coherent than previous years; yet every time I looked around, almost everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. I spent a lot of time with a few people who are very dear to me, but I also had deeper conversations with a few acquaintances, grew less scared of cool people, and met a few fun contra people that I should've met awhile ago. I took a longsword class in which I learned one of Ted's crazy-energetic dances. I drank a fair amount of beer, but I went to sleep earlier than usual most nights, and I woke up at 7 am to hang out in the dining hall every morning! I explored the area around camp -- canoeing to Little Long Pond, finding the head of several trails around the nature preserve, walking along the cranberry bog. I had my own cabin, but a porch on which to host social times.I had really excellent food and drink around the Boston area, this time even more than usual. I had an awesome dinner at Russell House with entropydevice and ultranurd! They told me all about the bad habits of CS academic papers, and we ate an astonishingly crispy poached egg, delicious pork rilette, orgasmic bruleed manchego. I also had little crab salad sandwiches, a prosecco cocktail (Seelbach), and a California white...sauv blanc, I think. Then they took me to LA Burdick for hot chocolate... I sat by the Charles River on Sunday afternoon with jere7my. That evening, delicious southern food made the long walk to Highland Kitchen worthwhile - scallops with spicy remoulade and bacon bits on fried green tomatoes, grits with shrimp and more bacon and mushrooms, and a sharply vinegary pulled pork sandwich. YUM. Oh yeah, and a Dark 'n Stormy variation with chili-infused housemade ginger beer! Liz & Dave cooked pasta on Monday night with farmers' market vegetables (thumbs up!), but afterwards we went to Christina's for ice cream; I had avocado and Mexican chocolate, hee. It was good to catch up with my good Boston-area friends, and I love spending time around Inman Square. I wish it were easier to contemplate a weekend visit up there... I also wish I could be positive I'll find time to visit western Mass this fall/winter.the audience: Boltbus on congested highways through NJthe feeling: contemplativethe bard: Evenlode, Crowfoot Tags: contra, dance camp, dancing friends, drinking, food, friends, restaurants, ritual, travel, urban life (spark a light)

This year, the solstice fell on the day before my birthday. As befits the first day of lengthening light, my birthday was cheery this year!SMS wishes from my mom and C were waiting for me when I woke up, as well as the beginning of a steady influx of wall scrawlings. I woke up slowly by responding to those, then settled on my bed to 'open my presents'. It's mildly sad to be an adult without a pile of brightly-wrapped presents, but as C [eta: not sure why I thought this was jere7my] pointed out, this slight sadness is counterbalanced by the way more awesome presents I get as an adult! My dad sent me a card with money for my Italy trip, and C sent me The History of God by Karen Armstrong and Goat Song by Brad Kessler, successfully triangulating my interests of the year to religion and goats...I went to work -- and there happened to be a huge box waiting, a gift basket for me and Bob from an orchard that we worked with for the first time this year, canned peaches and fruit butters. Between that package, the continuing birthday wishes on facebook, and lunch with Bob (Sly Fox Dunkel Lager and -- finally -- the Good Dog burger), the whole day was light-hearted and cheerful.It's so amazing to have one day a year when everyone calls and writes and thinks about one. This year, I think I am finally entering a mental space where I can accept that. I think my friends are the coolest ever, but I am finally beginning to accept that they like being friends with me too.My lunch was huge, so I had ice cream for dinner! While I walked down to Old City, I caught up with Dan and another D on the phone. I still arrived at the Franklin Fountain earlier than anyone else, so I spent half an hour or so catching up with Eric, hearing about the business and his recent family trip to Italy. nullsurface and Anna C, and later Elana (and going above & beyond the call of hospitality, Eric!) sat around one of the round wooden tables in the back with me, licking up ice cream and fudge and milkshakes and chatting about gifts and snow and work. My birthday sundae: the hot fudge sundae with chesnut ice cream. Eric kindly bought everyone's ice cream, which astonished me! What a fun little party. We admired the clear-toy candy afterwards, then walked west and south. The others split off for home, but Elana came into Chick's with me. Phoebe was making egg nog, shaking the egg and spiced milk together for minutes, adding apple brandy and rum, and topping it off with a slice of ginger and two slivers of apple peel, red and green. Elana and I caught up about new refrigerators and boys, the two most important subjects...A great birthday.the feeling: affectionatethe bard: The Boar's Head, Chieftains Tags: awesome, birthday, dancing friends, friends, local establishments (spark a light)

I worked all day at the Farmstand, dealing with boxes and boxes of spinach and yoghurt and glass milk bottles -- re-stocking, re-arranging the walk-in, cleaning up after all the deliveries. But as I was leaving, I just realized that I would actually have time and inclination that evening to cook some of the gorgeous food I'd been around, so I took home some fresh chorizo, aromatic red spring onions, spidery baby arugula, my favorite sharp chevre, and some of that quality butter. And hey, my friend Eric said he'd come over for dinner! As much introspection and self-analyzation as I've been doing lately, and as distressed as I've felt about some friendships, it was heart-warming to see him show up with a suit and a bottle of wine, mustache and bowtie in order. :)I simmered cubes of my eagerly-procured Hubbard squash in lots of butter, Eric took charge of cooking the sausage, and I broiled the scallions drizzled in olive oil and squirted with lemon juice. Afterwards, I tossed the arugula with the goat cheese and a garnish of microgreens. It was a lovely evening; Eric told me about the upcoming changes in his business, I told him about my introspection, we really tried to encourage each other. He even made a connection that nobody has ever pointed out to me before, to my knowledge -- perhaps the reason I flip out at the slightest hint of anyone's emotional attachment to me is that I was trained, in church, to think I'm sinful (i.e., unworthy). I don't know, but it certainly gave me more to contemplate! :)the audience: homethe feeling: preciousthe bard: Easter Thursday, Bare Necessities Tags: cooking, friends, job, religion (3 sparks | spark a light)

I've had the most wonderful, long weekend with those I love. :)( the detailsCollapse )Monday was the most relaxing day ever; I basically just laid around, took walks, and chatted about life with David all day. In the evening, I had tea with JLR and beer with Will and talked more about dance and politics, respectively. What else could I possibly want?Now I'm filled to the brim with tasty Indian-fusion food and tipsy from rum-spiked mixes at Bindi with grumpy_sysadmin, tanglethis, and Simon. And I find myself at peace with everyone. I'm ready to be friends again, I'm biking again, my liver is getting lots of exercise, and I understand why things worked out the way they have. I'm in love with all my friends. :)[Written last night, obviously.]the audience: homethe feeling: peacefulthe bard: Read My Mind, The Killers Tags: cooking, dancing friends, drinking, food, food adventures, friends, job, life, local establishments (3 sparks | spark a light)

Today was the way I want my days to be. I slept til the reasonable hour of 9, worked on my computer for awhile, then biked down to Society Hill. I spent the whole day helping Bob with paperwork for the next month's buying club orders -- I love working for him, I love working in a beautiful and homey house, and this once-monthly paperwork satisfies my interest in alphabetization and organization and details. In the early evening, after assembling orders at his dropsite, he bought me a beer; we talked about ongoing projects and experiences living in another country. The only things that would've improved my day would've been a) waking up a tiny bit earlier to make myself tea in the morning, rather than waiting for the maté I brewed in the afternoon, and b) the weather being slightly less frigid, for a more comfortable bike ride.I went over to Raf & Mali's this evening for dinner. The newly-painted rooms are vibrant and colorful, and the house is becoming more lived-in. Mali stir-fried some vegetables with long-simmered eggplant, sauteed pea shoots and spinach with tofu, mixed up some peanut noodles, and made rice; ross threw together an apple-quince-cranberry cobbler, as I've come to expect from him this winter. gabe and Abram were also there, and there was an amazing ambience of cooking and joking with college friends, comfortable but grown-up past college and witty.The only thing that would make my evening better would be NOT havingthinking I have to be at the café by 7 am...grr.the audience: homethe feeling: pleasedthe bard: Read My Mind, The Killers Tags: biking, cooking, friends, job, urban life (2 sparks | spark a light)

I met my friend Ali over the summer, when she started interviewing farmers at the South & Passyunk market. She's one of the local-foodies I've most enjoyed meeting, but sadly she's moving away from Philadelphia by the end of December. So, I suggested that we have one more culinary expedition before she left town!Before her current job as a food journalist, she worked in the kitchen of a prominent, established Philadelphia restaurant -- and she suggested a couple restaurants that she used to visit with the chef, as well as listing what they used to order. I was fascinated by the suggested menu at Tai Lake in Chinatown, and thankfully this choice was also favored by the general opinion of other friends who I was attempting to drag along. krh, Will and grumpy_sysadmin joined Ali and I there for Tuesday dinner, and it was an adventure!I tried some food I'd never tried before; for one, very fresh shrimp. Despite my previous general suspicion that shrimp are bland, I discovered that when you eat shrimp that have just come out of that fish tank by the restaurant entrance -- and eat them with head and feet intact -- they are tasty. The eyes and head provide a little more flavor, and the legs provide a light crunch! I also tried snails for the first time, very small ones in a black bean sauce. The sauce was good, but I regret to announce that I was a failure at sucking...hard enough to pry the snails loose from the shell.The brown sauces on the pan-fried noodles (that addictive blend of crunchy and soggy) and the comforting, wide chow fun noodles were also good. The light brown goop on the Dungeness crab legs was less flavorful...until I remember the slices of garlic and scallion thrown in. Excellent idea. Among all those tasty dishes, though, the sautéed greens were a highlight; snow pea shoots are a little more substantive than the salad-garnish pea shoots I've eaten before, and the garlic taste was strong. :)In bizarre news, we had barely been seated 5 minutes when the chef Ali used to work for, plus the restaurant's owner and her family, also walked in. They sat at the round table right next to ours and, as we saw throughout the meal, ordered almost exactly the same dishes! Score for Ali's memory?the audience: homethe feeling: satisfiedthe bard: none Tags: expeditions, friends, local food people, restaurants (4 sparks | spark a light)

Hang onto your hats, folks. The plan for this update is to be cursory but extensive.This past week wasn't excellent. Glumness seemed to cast a pall over everything: my raging insecurity + constant worrying about interpersonal interactions, too little sleep, too many papers to recycle and too much cat hair to vacuum up in an effort to make my flat presentable. Whatever. Perhaps I will be less weak this time.I still managed to flagrantly make time for socializing, though. Wednesday evening found tanglethis and I at the classy Southwark; I savored the adventurous strongly-cinnamon paw paw crème brûlée and the old-fashioned strongly-citrus Dark & Stormy. Thursday I found myself at the Fellowship for one of the last break-fasts of Ramadan, and this time I could slightly understand the parts of salat, prayers. The warmth and love there, and chlomar's contentment, were sorely needed.By Friday evening, the sleep deprivation was setting in but paying off; my flat had reached a certain level of presentability, astonishingly and considerably overdue. And my amazing philosopher and truth-speaker, Ian, arrived from A2 for a weekend visit! I expected that it would be good to see him, but I had no idea how truly wonderful the weekend would be. There is nothing like a good college friend, the engaging conversation and mutual regard, to restore one's confidence in self and belief in friendship. We ate my first experiment with curry paste and Ian discovered okra, and later we tried beers at Dock Street with ross and Mali.Saturday I worked all day, and Ian and I threw together a dinner party! Freshly filled with appreciation for pastured animals after my visit to Meadow Run last weekend, I roasted a fresh Meadow Run chicken and stuffed it with hard parmesan rinds and fresh rosemary. Ian threw liquids into a pot and proved that he can indeed make a 'mean risotto', with roasted carrots and zukes, then threw other liquids into a wok and coated green beans with honey and balsamic vinegar. tanglethis appeared with the eagerly-anticipated addition, local wine (a blush from Blue Mountain). I'm proud to announce that literally the ONLY non-local ingredients in the dinner were the oil, balsamic, salt, and pepper. It was my lucky weekend to see ross and Mali again, and fortune further smiled on my dinner party as ross unpacked his bag -- an apple-and-crust volcano, homemade cranberry sorbet and ginger and caramel sorbets, a red wine, and Lillet. Sunday I worked, too, tabling @ the Zoo during a day celebrating local food. Luxuriously, we were promised that Zoo security would call us a taxi, but oddly, Ian and I had an hour to contemplate the Amtrak tracks behind the Zoo as we waited for our transportation to appear. We had such a lovely time outside in the beautifully crisply clear weather though, that we went for a walk through UPenn's campus later that afternoon, collecting coffee and chatting under the pergola. I hibernated/checked-in with the internet while Ian went off to dinner with ross and rennen, but I was tempted out later to drink tea and discuss mediating.I want more days like recently, absorbing my neighborhood and learning West Philly people.Today. Yet another excruciatingly early morning to see Ian off. My day-off all-local indulgent brunch -- double-smoked bacon, pastured egg + garlic + shallot + a red-pink stalk of chard, rye, raw milk cheddar, raw milk. I am scheduled to start training at a café on Thursday. I took a nap. Sam has been draped across my pillow or my lap all day. My mother and my aunt came and bought me dinner, at Dock Street again for more bacon and onion on a pizza. I am editing a grant report? Long weeks ahead, but I have lots of tasty local food to sustain me!the audience: homethe feeling: determinedthe bard: ross o' love's 'soul vs. dance-pop' Tags: apartment, cat, cooking, drinking, family, friends, job, local establishments, locally-produced food, personal life, philadelphia, random, religion, restaurants (4 sparks | spark a light)