   HI Everyone .I am trying to make new online friends who have some perception of Autistic glitches and being a girl '' child '' , 6 going on 60 , but supposedly an XY ''man ''. The child thing is real to me - like '' i '' am too high / wide / heavy / stretchy out , and my old teddy looks right , but cuddles too small ... i also seem stuck in the 50s - like the file is full and I can't delete and add new '' more appropriate '' I watch big girls growing up , or grown up - waiting for my turn , as you can imagine , puberty at a boys only school was an unrelenting nightmare which I could not wake up from ... but that nightmare continues ...I don't really have any sense of '' me '' - I watch '' my hand '' with dee'tachment , like I am never connected , participating .I '' appear '' to function Ok , and , until recently , I thought that everyone was as lost as me , but managed better !It's all automatic stuff though , like tutored / tortured into me , 'till it becomes a habit to copy '' normalAs a kid , 'till 10 [ 1957 ] , all I knew was '' my kind of people / like me '' later , I learned this to be '' female '' , but I kinda lokked for other girls being boys [ seemed logical , as I was designated '' boy '' ] so my mentors and playmates were tomboys / butches and would - be - '' guys ''I can sense HER '' Frequency '' - so I can predict safe or not , but anything '' not her '' is noise / chaos / scary - from inside and amplified by - all '' men '' from outside . It's like men assume that or expect me to have an experience like them , when , all I sense from inside is '' me missing '' ... either '' I '' am seriously crazzeee , or my head is really programmed for '' female ''. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY MALE !!!I am terrified of men - the concerned guys try to draw me into his world / experience and "" I '' become more and more invisible , lees and less '' me '' OK , it's all in my head , but what else is real ? My ASdee logic insists that this makes sense , in that if '' i '' am tuned to HER , then I would not know what '' NOT HER '' would be . Like , '' Bus '' is red school bus , so green bus can't be '' bus '' OOPS !!! This brutal '' is / isn't '' is for everything , so why not for HER ? It's ever dreamstate / out of phase - all my life , I have tried desperately to focus , make it all real , as I see real people do , but only now do i realise that it's not going to work , ever ...10 years ago , I had a breakdown and all of this kinda broke through - i guess the pressure of pretending got too much - but now I am aware of it , it's got less and less bearable ...I hope that this isn't too much ''dee'' |
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