Because they'll always try to be better then You. (original) (raw)
| Since High School | |
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| 07:01pm 29/07/2007 | |
| I haven't logged into here much, when I did it was for some help seeked in communities. There isn't anyone on here that I really talk to anymore, but this website once was a "safe" place. But I've changed so much since high school and this has made me realize it.1. I am more self-centered and selfish. Now you may think this is a bad thing, but I find it to have helped me so much more. Since rosa's lies and other disappointments in some humans around me, I have stopped giving and caring as much. I do not go to as much lengths to show someone I care, or ANY length at all. I don't put myself out there, I do not make myself vulnerable now that I've realized best friends are easily replaceable. You thought boys were easy to exchange? Wow, I never worked in the best friends trade department! Get your life suckers, your used and abused, your attention seekers, and the ones who just don't mean to hurt anyone type of friends a dime a dozen. Some you'd love to pay to get rid of. However, this statement runs false when considering boys. I was downright COLD to Jonathan. Yes, I feel guilty, and if I could go back now I definitely would have been different (and have definitely let him take my pants off too...) but there's nothing left, now is there? I would go as far to say that I am nice to the boys I date. I would not go so far to say I show all that much sympathy, but let's just say I do not glare as much. I tell them I love them back, and if they're lucky I'll even say it first sometimes *shocker*. As to why that is - I've no clue. 2. I am healthier. I've finally battled and won the war on my self-image. I am no longer sick and I am happy as I am. I feel NO need what SO ever to be skinnier than I am now. I'm a size 7. I am in the process of losing more weight, but if it takes me a year to lose another 5 lbs then that is fine. My main focus is being healthy, by exercise (NOT over-exercising) and eating right (not binging and making up for it and not starving)and focusing on more positive things (instead of feeling a need to punish myself for every little thing). I don't feel so alone anymore, and I don't feel like all eyes are on me. I feel sad for the people I have met in my life that have shared my same nightmares. We were never good for each other, but misery loves company. I hope that they are better too.3. I have been drawn more to being a family woman. I used to always be SO focused on school and my career. Kids? PFF! Was not for me. But now I do want a child. Now if only my mother would approve :( I feel a little hollow spot in me, and the only fitting piece for it is a child of my own. I do not want this to happen now, I want it planned of course. But unlike before, it is a goal (in the top) of mine.4. I have learned true human nature. Although I always could see through people, I always wanted to give them a chance. Now I have seen that what I tried to put out of my mind is true. Some people I knew in high school have become exactly what I had figured but hoped not for. It is sad for them, but now I trust my instincts more.5. I have learned to use people in a more efficient manner. After being used, I have learned to turn this around. The power now holds in MY hands, and MY hands ONLY. If anyone is to be used between you and me, be certain that it will be YOU my friend. If I don't step on you, someone else will. So if it comes to it, that is what I will do and don't take a second to ponder "well maybe she won't..." Thank you. | |
| Hrmm... | |
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| 10:10pm 26/12/2006 | |
| Things bother me, and always have for the longest time.So you don't care that much for me. You should dig up your memories you bitch.I'm insufficient and unclear, imcomplete and a cheat. I've got an honest face with lying eyes and a jaded soul. I used to be truthful until you came along yet no matter how many times I tell that I'm a fake people think I'm real - just in that way. I've got bills and a small income, I balance it all out with no confusion. I burn off bridges and look back at the ashes, I'll dance in them with the rain - with joy. | |
| 01:32am 27/07/2006 | |
| (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.) ✓ I miss somebody right now. (Mother Dearest, Sandy, Sirch, Brandi, Matthew, Katie, Carrie) ✓ I don't watch much TV these days. (Don´t stay up late enough for Adult Swim) ✓ I own lots of books. (Reading is addictive.) ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. ✓ I love to play video games. (Especially Spyro.) ✓ I've tried marijuana. (Its allright, not that great...) ✓ I've watched porn movies. (Not that entertaining.) × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. × I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (Uh...not always.) ✓ I curse sometimes. (Eh...I should stop.) ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (But for better or for worse???) × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. ( it goes on...Collapse ) | |
| I´m happy | |
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| 12:46pm 01/07/2006 | |
| Like seriously.What am I going to do when I have to go back to Rock Hill without Sandy and without Sirch. BLAH!And I got to finish my war with Matt. blah. I really do hate hurting guys that really are good guys...that finished last. Sorry. | |
| This game... | |
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| 06:34pm 16/06/2006 | |
| ...is tiring as hell. | |
| I wished I wrote more | |
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| 10:29pm 08/06/2006 | |
| What the hell was I so happy about this January_No idea. | |
| 05:02pm 24/02/2006 | |
| I hate not knowing, and I hate not loving you, and I hate missing you. Is that so bad?And why is it you don't like to see me happy? | |
| An LJ update | |
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| 12:07pm 04/02/2006 | |
| Okay so I really use LJ only for music communities. I was trying to like update it regularly but that didn't work out either. I'm trying to use MySpace for it but I know in like another week I won't update it for another..year or so.ANYWAY,I can't stay out of the doctors' offices :'( The Winthrop Nurse Practitioner's trying to scare me to death with the word "cancer" but you know that's just the "worse case sceneario." But no worries, I think she just likes to scare me. I can't go to the doctor yet either ($$$$$$$) to check that one out. I did go to Dr. McMeekin about two weeks ago though. I like him he's funny, and always make me conscious of my anxiety habits ("You're clasping you jaw again." "Your feet don't like being still huh?" "You know, you can use a file instead of biting your nails.") I'm getting more comfortable sitting in that chair and him tell me whats all wrong with me. Hate it when he asks "So why did you do it?" I dunno. Then I clinch my jaw. And then bite my nails. And move around in my seat. Then twirl my hair. And look around. But anyway, I have one more prescription (makes three from him alone now) of which I only have one filled because I'm broke and it was somewhat cheap (15). one though, is 325 a month!!! And that's the one I'm really REALLY suppose to be on. I have 3 sample kits, but I'm on my last one and my dosage is going up to 100mg so its going quick. So yeah, who's got 325 bucks for me in aboutt 14 days? Thanks.I kept going to Wally last week with Ashten and Katie. They both still live on campus (roomates) and they have a kitten, Mikko. Such a demon child though. So cute. And we sneaked him in and out for him to get his shots. He's scratched my hand all up.Yeah anyway I'm doing "schoolwork" Ha. I really need to get back to it though. | |
| I miss my piercing... | |
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| 11:37am 16/01/2006 | |
  And yeah they're pictures I took of myself because I was in love with my piercing <3So I think next time I'm in Spart, I'll go to Body Links to do it again. I almost redid it in Canada, but then didn't. But I want it again badly. I've been looking for that exact one that is in the picture. It was my favorite I had, it looked like I had two spikes coming out of my eyebrow but it wasn't extreme. Haven't found one like it in the US. I bought that one in France. So blah. I also gotta look for my cell phone. Anyway, Matthew says no to the repiercing of course, and so does my mother/Gordon. |
|
| Good Xmas :) | |
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| 02:55pm 27/12/2005 | |
| This Christmas was good for two reasons: I got good stuff, and I gave good stuff. I did not give ANYONE gift certificates!N I actually thought something for everyone, that they liked too :) I surprised everyone :-P Ebay rocks me.I got bunch of kitchen stuff: Penguin cookie jar, penguin salt and pepper shakers, sharp shapr knives with knife sharpener (hehe...), strainer, WOK (HOORAY!), about 5 more little kitchen stuff (measuring cups, peeler ect), canister set. Then I got March of the Penguins DVD with another DVD. Pretty pretty white sweater with scarf. Vaccum cleaner. Food chopper. DVD player (COMPLETE SURPRISE ON THAT). Yarn and a knitting a crochet kit to keep me occupied. oh AND a trip to Canada. WOOOOOOOOH!I haven't opened all of Matthew's Mom's presents for me yet. So far I have a floor lamp (way cute and much needed) and from Matt's bro and wife I got some bath and body stuff which smelled good :) Of course I also got Sandy's awesome presents :) Can't mention them here though.The 26th I went to WALLY for all the 50% of gift sets...which means I have my year's supply of brushes, makeup, and hairbrushes. And other junk I didn't need. Then I got hte Underworld DVD at Target for 7.50. (My DVD collection is now getting less pathetic...but I think its a bit obvious I have a Vampire fetish.)Also went to Duncan on Xmas night. They didn't warn me they'd have a shot ready for me as soon as I sat down but whatever. Also didn't think they'd snoop on my laptop lol. Files have been deleted now so its okay. I forgot my windows home CD so it didn't get swiped, but now I know I'm not paranoid, this thing DOES have a virus that's slowing it down a bit. One day I'll learn about computers. Shouldn't have pissed off Jeremy. Damnit.I also don't know the way to my mother's farm house. Its in boom fuck egypt. I barely make it to Duncan without a wrong turn and I'm expected to know my way to BFE? HAHA.Anyway I'm goign to go find some cheap long sleeve shirts to wear under my sweaters for Canada because I'm going to freeze my ass off. | |
| ALL A"S WOOHOO!!! | |
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| 02:09pm 20/12/2005 | |
mood:  cheerful So I actually made all A's this semester. First semester ever with all A's. I kept making one fucking B. So my GPA went from 3.80 to 3.867. Anyway, I was excited, because I predicted getting all A's and one C. This proves that a form of disposition, and cursing out 2 out of 5 of your professors is not the end of the world...or your GPA. So yay. I also had a luncheon from work (I'm working now) and we had a chinese gift exchange. It was fun. I got a nice photo album, its very cute. But anyway, I'm going back to work. I'm just so so so happy to finally make all A's for once. |
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| Um...okay??? | |
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| 09:32pm 19/12/2005 | |
| (2005-12-19 19🔞34) oar1983wu: you are fucking weird...that must be why you have a weirdo for a boyfriend..and as friends in general...(2005-12-19 19🔞34) HissingDragon : Sorry, I ran out for a bit!(2005-12-19 19🔞37) oar1983wu: go dragons!I have no idea who this person is. | |
angry I hate it when good people turn not so good. But you move on. You accept it. But when someone backstabs you, THEN has the nerve to use your name in a cover up story later on...that's funny. Also considering one of her 'friends' is the one who told me to read her LJ...that I might find the read rather interesting. And I did. So is your friend a friend or a foe?But anyway, its not like you dad didn't know already. You're not sneaky enough.This morning sucked, but now I'm in a better mood. I got some xmas prsents from Sandy. Apparenlty, only SOME, she says she has more for me. I got a super cute dress and something else you dont' get to know about :-P Now I'm at lil house and my family isn't around so I'm less pissed. But I still don't have my glasses, passport, or MP3 player. Doesnt that suck.| 02:51am 14/12/2005 | |
| On Facebook, there is a group called "Coallition against girls who wear snowboots with mini-skirts." I guess they'd really hate me. Hehe.I found it amusing. | |
| CANADA!!! | |
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| 10:21am 04/12/2005 | |
| So, among my dozen plus voicemails I have on my cell phone, one's my brother saying that he bought the plane tickets for Canada, the first through the seventh of January. YAY! PARTYING IN CANADA! We'll be staying with Katie so YAY again :) (I know a lot of Katies...) I called him back (woke him up) and asked if we were splitting the price (520) and he said "nah, its your Xmas." HOORAY! Don't have to pay for a place to stay. Just food. And SHOPPING! Except the French Canadian is like...way hard to understand...its not French French. Its fucked up French. But hey...my brother always takes care of me. I'll probably get lost again like I did in Spain and Nick will have to come find me lol. So YAY.Everyone I haven't called back...you either didn't answer or I didn't call because I kept waking people up and I felt bad :( or I didn't have the number, because my cell phone's battery was out, so it didn't record the numbers...and you know how I never put in people's numbers. I'm horrible at that. | |
| Matthew surprised me :) | |
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| 09:20pm 03/12/2005 | |
We went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday last night and he kept having secret phone calls. Anyway, he rushes me at my apartment to get my stuff ready to spend the night and I"m like...what's going on??? "Don't forget your camera." So I finally get back and I had to have my eyes close and he led me to the extra bedroom and aww...It was his massage table with a red rose and rose petals everywhere on the table, on the floor, and leading to the room. And candles. So sweet. Then he led me to his room and there was another rose and more rose petals. I loved it :) Has anyone done that for you? No? Awww...I'm sorry. :-P  |
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