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The Onion @TheOnion BREAKING: #TheOnion readership mass confusion as Syrian Electronic Army takes over. All demand a permanent column. pic.twitter.com/AHVMdoJudG 2m the ONION View photo The Onion @TheOnion Poland to double flights from the Middle East, anticipating Israeli 5m the ONION mass exodus. "The bagel bakery ovens are working over time" Larry Expand The Onion @TheOnion The #Onion CEO: "We regret taking zionist money to defame Syria now the hackers are up our ass" onion.com/JQiKzL Expand 9m the ONION 12m The Onion @TheOnion UN's Ban Ki Moon condemns Syria for being struck by israel: "lt was the ONION in the way of Jewish missiles onion.com/104PKAs Expand 16m The Onion @TheOnion NASA: 9th planet discovered and identified as the Qatari Emir the ONION Hamad Bin Khalifah onion.com/JQyVin pic.twitter.com/9ltduc8quD View photo 21m The Onion @TheOnion Israel denies forging new alliance with Al Qaeda: "We were friends the QNioN all along, so it can't be new" IDF Spokesperson onion.com/LZuAvY Expand

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the ONION America's Finest News Source Breaking News: The Onion on the verge of collapse after not being able to make up s that is more idiotic than current reality.

NEWS IN BRIEF Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything Published October 10, 2022 | Alerts

me DOOM! www. "A.I. TECHNOLOGY" WILL DECIMATE OUR LIVELIHOODS! GLOOM! O S *LATEST FAD CHICKEN LITTLES * NATIONAL CARTOONIST LEAGUE 2023 CONFERENCE, intimoanis. THE END IS NEAR! 규 000000 SEASONED 4))) PROS DISCREET FLASKS COMPUTER, DRAW ME A CARTOON ABOUT TODAY'S LAZY TEENS WHO REFUSE TO WORK. AND BE SURE TO SIGN IT "KELLY"! PAYCHECK$ $ WHIRRRR "RENDERED" OBSOL-SWEET! BEEP! I WILL OBEY. BOOP! PROGRESS PRINTER O DELIVER TO EDITOR DOO Kelly 2023 ONION SYNDICATE 333 ATUU

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"http://www.theonion.com/articles/gallup-poll-rural-whites-prefer-ahmadinejad-to-oba,29677/":http://www.theonion.com/articles/gallup-poll-rural-whites-prefer-ahmadinejad-to-oba,29677/ "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fars_News_Agency":http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fars_News_Agency

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Uneducated Forklift Driver

![e the ONION AMERCAS FINEST 0 CENTS 111서11] INSIUneducated New MTV Show Nboud isios moNation On Rush Limbugh Radio Show Forklift Driver To Address 6 Watch MTV Big Cal-In Address Scheduled For 1:11 Hit Among ldiots To 114 p.m. EST Who Watch MTV Nation Eagerly Awaits Ohio Man's Profound Insight Into Current Events LIMA Os-yiewdn t rust is y making inal preparations for said rm hin ininE OO1am ery ach looking for wand te bearing Mr via teleph And believe insigts ad trenchant social Shytinski, at has been e, with all eBg Nas he and pelitical e a Tis is a man whe has e bawill apeaik So an xpect the Chieft More bke ae to national It ever address so as not to inberfese theee were man whowith hs3 pm vewing o gram shortly afer 1pm IST ly anbicipating the hoich toexs s vis it t of the bathroon ](/photos/305179-the-onion "Uneducated Forklift Driver")

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HOLY SHIT

EDITION Monday FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE MAN WALKS ON F------ MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST WORDS ON MOON: HOLY LIVING F--- THE MOON esus f------ | down in the moon's low-gravity The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface. mankind since the dawn of time ecstatic Aldrin said, pumping astronauts Neil Armstrong and"It's like I told you on the way down on the Sea of Tranquility his shipmate. "Remember?I told in the lunar module Eagle and you this was going to be f------ radioed back to Earth the his- amazing. Armstrong and Aldrin then you-on-your-ass resplendence of made final technical and psy-their situation before returning chological preparations for the to the capsule Their intense 18 un-f-------believableness o month NASA training period- the next phase of the operation, the primary function of which was to train the pair to deal with Above: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the f------ moon. sion, Armstrong slowly descend- sion-proved effective, though ed the four steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to one small but epoch-making breaths, "just so I don't f------ "Holyving fuek Are youThe two were able to keep from NASA headquarters nearly rock samples, which earthbound cking-lutely am standing on could not even begin to f------ goddamned f------ moon. Jesus American flag n the ground "Holy mother of f---," the first part: This plaque, placed here Roger, no fueking doubt aboutfrom he planet around which TRANQUILITY: It was a smooth The Earth as seen from-Holy Jesus-the surface of the moon. tu the surface of the f------ moon. conceive Lunar Module footpads de-ving (long pause) f---. (Long Lovell replied. "A-f-------firrest undisturbed on this spot for the next 100 million years. High Eight minutes ater, as Arm holy liing f---. Can you believe hook up Lunar Equipmentpause.) H-------- strong gleefully bounced up and that s---?" ressed one or two inches. TRANQUILITY: I abso-f------- Platftorm lined up. checking step, and im.e Puck. (eng face of the f------ moon. I a WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE HOUSTO)W. Everything okay. oldating. dakineg f------ mon sMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB TRANQUILITY: Am descending pause.) tusiyoNi Siey. ower (ongHoUSTroiolyhickt basikA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO THE STONE AGE?

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Image #302,749

LATE EDITION le KENNEDY SLAIN BY CIA MAFIA, CASTRO, LBJ, TEAMSTERS, FREEMASONS President Shot 129 Times from 43 Different Angles

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Image #302,725

the ONION VIDEO SPORTS NEWS BEAT | MORE ▼ | SOCIAL ▼ AV, Club-Store-Dating ★Con America's Finest News Source SPECIAL REPORT: COMMON PARTNERS ITS LIKE MARRIAGE ONLY WITH BULLETS. LAW oer nnocarl COMMON LAWTONIGHIT T Ua NEW ORIGINAL SERIES ONION IPAD APP SNEAK PEEK IN THE NEWS Moms Invent DrugObama Gay Marriage World's First Lesbian |Paula Deen's 05K Walk Last Updated 11:33 AM Search /READERS Friend Theronton DownY ORDU MB READERS Log in to see your so-called friends' activity READERS Friends' Throats. f Lagin with Feebok Login with Facebook Learn More NEW SWIRE the ONION REVIEW WEEKLY VIDEO RECAP TV Listings: Not The New YorkTHIS WEEK IN HISTORY, Philharmonic 1 hour, 1 minute ago This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Fan On The Street: On Pujols" First Home Run 1 hour, 31 minutes ago Challenge To God Engraved On Roof (1972) 05.08.12 Dental Hygienist's Eyes Tell A Very Different Story 1 hour, 31 minutes ago PETERSBURG, KY-Gus Hall, the janitor at the Creation Museum, accidentally left his flashlight in the Adam and Eve exhibit, but no one seemed to notice. 3 hours, 1 minute ago IT'S LIKE MARRIAGE ONLY WITH BULLETS Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee Roger Goodell Tells Junior Seau's Family To Throw Brain In His Trunk With The Rest Of Them 3 hours,31 minutes ago A5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape,Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course more x» Building For First Time In 85 Years 5 hours, 1 minute ago

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Image #302,724

the ONION a.v. club I store | subscriptions | books I personals NEWSLETTERS CONTESTS VOLUME 40 ISSUE 02 AMERICA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE14 JANUARY 2004 Front Page TOP STORY xarch Previous Issue Archives LATEST HEADLINES IN THE NEWS ITS To Give Every lraqi Us All S3.54491 Let Free-Market Capitalism es Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park JACKSON, WY-A simple typographical error in a proposal to set aside a scenic Big Horm Mountain valley Fran Drescher for public recreation has resulted in the construction ofScreeches Out For the 10,020-acre Henrietta Bedford Memorial Skate Park, Wyoming Department of Natural Resources officials announced Tuesday Cancer Awareness WASHINGTON, DC-At a Monday press conference, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumfeld announced a change of plans" for the $87.5 billion aid package Congress approved in October. Instead of being used to fund an array of military and reconstruction operations in the Middle East, the money will be divided equally among Irag's 24,683,313 Short-Distance Relationship GASTONIA, NC-After four months together, sales manager Jack Petrakis, 29, and paralegal Justine Crucifix A Testament To Man's Wealth Froeger, 26, reported Tuesday that dating someo lives in the same building isn't worth the hassle. Jogging Fat Man Watched From Apartment Window Full Text >»

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Image #302,722

O the ONION AVCLUB TORONTO CONGRESS TAKES GROP 3011 SCHOOLCHILDREN HOSTAGE A.V CLUB We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kide Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof

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Image #302,721

the ONION VOLUME 38 ISSUE 21 ANERICAS FINEST NEWS SOURCE 6-12 JUNE 2002 National Science Foundation: Science Hard | INDIANAPOLIS-The Natioral SciencechaimLous Farian Tlovever, a break Foundatian's anrsal sympasim cendud throughdsery is chaliengingour long ed Monday vith the 1,300 sceists in heldperoeptions about our discpin he atedasce reacting the coeseesus that discovery thae sciesce is maily, al science is hard. bard Far centuries, we have enhaced the "My aree epertise isthe taalty peruait of sontise knoledge asone f impassible science apartide physics the moblest and vothiest of an Furian continued, bet, indeed, this newly endeawors, one leading to the ennichnes l runkind both today und for fuure

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Image #302,684

shared a link. Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized www.youtube.com The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being gay. Sunday at 10:35pm . and C like this. 1 share like a vegetable. If she can text and apply lip gloss, and other things I saw her doing. she deserves a chance to live. It seems that she a hindrace to her parents life style, or something. This is just plain Yesterday at 12:36am

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Image #302,682

shared a link. 15 hours ago Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People www.theonion.com AL JIZAH, EGYPT-A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact Like Comment -Share 1 A and 2 others like this. Could another possibility be that the Egyptians take out the organs at death and put them in jars? Could their lack of skin be from Leprosy? Or could they have been a enemy and were skinned? I am not sold on their story. 2 hours ago Like

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Wonder who was the author? Was he drinking? How did he interview the newborns? Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers www.theonion.com CHICAGO-A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers.

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shared a link. May 4 what??? why teach an ape this? cruel in my opinion! Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday www.youtube.com Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans. Share likes this. Saturday at 8:37am via mobile

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The Onion @TheOnion BREAKING: #TheOnion readership mass confusion as Syrian Electronic Army takes over. All demand a permanent column. pic.twitter.com/AHVMdoJudG 2m the ONION View photo The Onion @TheOnion Poland to double flights from the Middle East, anticipating Israeli 5m the ONION mass exodus. "The bagel bakery ovens are working over time" Larry Expand The Onion @TheOnion The #Onion CEO: "We regret taking zionist money to defame Syria now the hackers are up our ass" onion.com/JQiKzL Expand 9m the ONION 12m The Onion @TheOnion UN's Ban Ki Moon condemns Syria for being struck by israel: "lt was the ONION in the way of Jewish missiles onion.com/104PKAs Expand 16m The Onion @TheOnion NASA: 9th planet discovered and identified as the Qatari Emir the ONION Hamad Bin Khalifah onion.com/JQyVin pic.twitter.com/9ltduc8quD View photo 21m The Onion @TheOnion Israel denies forging new alliance with Al Qaeda: "We were friends the QNioN all along, so it can't be new" IDF Spokesperson onion.com/LZuAvY Expand

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NEWS God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy 'No,' Says God the ONION Americal Fet New Source The Onion Uploaded by RandomMan [ ![the ONION a.v. club I store | subscriptions books I personals NEWSLETTERS CONTESTS VOLUME 40 ISSUE 02 AMERICA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE14 JANUARY 2004 Front Page TOP STORY xarch Previous Issue Archives LATEST HEADLINES IN THE NEWS ITS To Give Every lraqi Us All S3.54491 Let Free-Market Capitalism es Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park JACKSON, WY-A simple typographical error in a proposal to set aside a scenic Big Horm Mountain valley Fran Drescher for public recreation has resulted in the construction ofScreeches Out For the 10,020-acre Henrietta Bedford Memorial Skate Park, Wyoming Department of Natural Resources officials announced Tuesday Cancer Awareness WASHINGTON, DC-At a Monday press conference, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumfeld announced a change of plans" for the $87.5 billion aid package Congress approved in October. Instead of being used to fund an array of military and reconstruction operations in the Middle East, the money will be divided equally among Irag's 24,683,313 Short-Distance Relationship GASTONIA, NC-After four months together, sales manager Jack Petrakis, 29, and paralegal Justine Crucifix A Testament To Man's Wealth Froeger, 26, reported Tuesday that dating someo lives in the same building isn't worth the hassle. Jogging Fat Man Watched From Apartment Window Full Text >»](08c.png "08c.png") The Onion Uploaded by Don Caldwell ](/photos/302724-the-onion) The Onion @TheOnion 1h O U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters trib.al/1MWCJXC O 47 271.424 7.740 Replying to @TheOnion and Why????? What's it's worth??? .60?? The Onion Uploaded by Bridget FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States NEWS April 15, 2014 VOL 50 ISSUE 15 News - Terrorism - World · Government · Al-Qaeda f .قصاخل قوارشلا ةأطوت حت ادس ف ن ري دتال برغل حام سلاونآل رظت ن A recent al-Qaeda video shows a militant training to carry out his mission of lying back and watching America's status as a superpower erode The Onion Uploaded by Bridget

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Uploaded May 07, 2013 at 01:46PM EDT

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