longingtobethin (original) (raw)
cross posted in my own journal
at October 19th, 2009 (07:15 pm)
i dont know whats wrong with me!
i just keep eating and eating. Everyday turns into "oh well i binged horribly today but I WILL restrict/fast tomorrow"
"tomorrow i will start fresh"
what happened to my control?!
what happened to me?
i am disgusting.
165 pounds.
gag me.
or maybe i will just gag myself.
i have never purged...but it's never looked so appealing until now.
try not to vomit.
sorry if this isnt behind a link?!
i tried.
at October 19th, 2009 (09:30 pm)
Had Mash and cabbage for dinner and still -45 calories for the day =]
Tomorrow will be even better hopefully
xx
How is everyone else doing?
xx
Intro
at October 19th, 2009 (10:18 am)
current mood: busy
Hello all, I'm in a weird place in my disorder right now and am finding that my support group isn't very keen on talking about some of the nitty-gritty, so to speak, and I don't always feel like I can talk about wanting to stay disordered or go into any details about stuff like that. So here I am!
Name & age: Megan; 23 but will be 24 in a few weeks
Diagnosis/Behavior that is relevant to the community: Current diagnosis is ED-NOS, was diagnosed with Bulimia at 17
Why you're here, and what you're looking for: I'm here because I need somewhere else to vent about being torn between recovery and my ED...I have gained about 40lbs since first going into treatment and the weight gain is really triggering me to go back to my old behaviors.
Anything else you'd like to tell us: I was first put into an outpatient treatment program that was part medical and part therapy which I did for 2 years. Since I was there involuntarily, I just did enough to get them off my back and didn't really absorb much from it. After they discharged me, I met my partner whom I've been with for 4 years, and after we moved in together my symptoms all but disappeared. However, I still had all the mentality going on, and it was driving me insane. So last year I found a therapy support group in my area that I meet with once a week. I just don't think it's enough, and I can't afford individual therapy. Not that I intend to pour my heart out to you guys, but the therapist discourages talking in specifics which I am able to do here.
Basically I want to try to drop the extra weight without my therapy group breathing down my neck about it. I'm going to Hawaii for 10 days next week and am dreading the bathing suit D: That's more short-term though.
WOW that was long, sorry!
at October 19th, 2009 (05:22 pm)
I had a doctors appointment today and I'm down 4kgs since May =]
I was so happy.
I've done well today all i've had about 148 cals and a litre of water and I've burned 547 cals by just being in college and walking around town so I have a deficite of 399 cals for the day.
Today is good but I can do better
xx
Im new here..
at October 19th, 2009 (02:01 pm)
current mood: thoughtful
new to livejournal completly tbh, had the account for a few weeks but this is the first time iv been on,
So nice to meet you =]
Lets all try to have a good day, x
at October 18th, 2009 (09:56 pm)
Heyy Lovess<3
Tomorrow is monday! its a new week. all the crap and mistakes for last week are done and over with. lets start fresh<3
I finally got my period after being 3 weeks late. Finally the cravings and the bloating and water weight will be going away.
Only my period is wicked light. doesn't even really feel like i have it. Wish i could say the same about my water weight. i feel like a giant balloon i just wanna pop my stomach. I lay in bed or look at myself naked in the shower and instantly think omg this looks bigger i feel fatter all the time. it is such a sucky feeling. its not like the scale is going up. its not i just think my body keeps getting bigger.
Decided tomorrow I need to fast. Drinking TEA all day. Cold and Hot. what are your favorite tea flavors for those who drink it?
then tuesday and thursday and sunday only allowed fruits and veggies then wednesday friday and saturday only allowed 400 calories and 10 grams of fat and lots of fiber. saturday will be hard cuz i am watching my brother and cousin but i think i'll manage. i just really wanna lose 5 lbs by november 1st then another 5 by november 15th. i wanna be 95 lbs or less by my birthday ( december 20th)
Just been feeling kind of low and sad lately. idk y really. I just want something to boost my spirits so i am putting all my energy into school, weight and my body.
How are you all doing? got any plans for the week?
XOXO
Love you all<3
at October 17th, 2009 (10:40 pm)
Anyone here in Ireland?
I really need support =[
at October 16th, 2009 (10:27 pm)
Heyy Loves<3
I am feeling this FAT FRIDAY. I don't even know what was wrong with me this week. I ate a disgusting amount of calories almost everyday. sure they were under my technical "normal" amount but to me they are disgustingly high. I feel so sore and achey all over still from the car accident. I have been taking motrion for almost a week and it isnt helping me. Cannot wait for monday to start so i can feel fresh and renewed.
I took 3 maxium strength laxatives about an hour ago. Haven't taken those since august. i just had such an urge and i had been fighting with it for a while and i caved and now i am waiting for them to kick in. I know i know. they don't help you lose real weight. just water weight. but that honest to god isn't even why i take them. i feel i deserve to be punished for eatting. i want it out of my body. i feel clearner and cleansed when i take them.
I am just sitting here and i can actually feel my stomach getting fatter. my legs getting fatter. this is such a damn shitty feeling.
god my progress report today for school and i am doing really well. higher then 85 in everything and in history i have a 99 and in phyics i have between an 85-90. i can actually say i am almost excited to get my report card in 5 more weeks. only now i need to be even harder on myself to keep these grades as high as they are. i need to be completely focused on losing weight and getting good grades. oh boy what a lovly life i lead.
anyone wanna talk? i feel sad and lonley and don't wanna leave myself with all these thoughts. SGallagher1992@hotmail.com is my MSN if anyone is on.
XOXO I love you all<3 its almost HALLOWEEN! that means it is almost NOVEMBER. this year is flying by. can't even believe it.
Restrict, Binge, Exercise, Repeat . . .
at October 16th, 2009 (09:46 pm)
Rant, mentions of specific food and calorie counts, don't read if this will trigger you. Edited to fix the lj cut!
( Details HereCollapse )
at October 15th, 2009 (06:33 pm)
Heyy Girls<3
I went to the Drs today =/ turns out i have a sprained neck and post concussion syndrome from the car accident.
i had to get a cat scan too.
I feel so sore and so ick.
I feel so freaking FAt and disgusting too. i jut wanna cut all my fat off. I know no one thinks I am fat but i honestly do.
it makes me sick. does anyone else feel like that? no matter what anyone says you still think the total opposite.
thank god tomorrow is friday. i feel sick and nauseous and just wanna sleep/ too bad i have 3 essays to write tonight/ blah
TMI but- does anyone ever notice some days all there food just um.. goes through them?
XOXO
Love you all<3
I will go read and comment all your posts now<3