Shot in the heart's Journal (original) (raw)
| | | | | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 09:06pm 24/03/2005 | | | | | I just found out that my ex cheated on me / left me for another man. But she refuses to tell me so and only tells me that its just her or any other variety of the 50 other excuses you use to break up with people. I hate her so much right now. But sadly I would get back with her because I love her so much. Pathetic. Why does this have to hurt so much. | | | | | | Post | | | | | |
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| 03:17pm 20/03/2003 | | |
| | mood: 
crushed Being that no one is posting in here, I'm going to post about what happened to me back in december.I had a friend (I knew him from on-line) that lived in maine. So when I went out to boston we decided to meet each other. We would get into these silly little fights and he would say things like "I really like you, And I really want to meet you" trying to end the argument. So the day came for my flight. I talked to him the night before and he gave me his phone number so I could call him to drive down (I was in boston) so we could hang out for a while.When he got there, He sweet talked me, Said all the things a girl wants to hear. He stayed for the night. (Yes we had a sexual moment, We had 6 of them.) Still sweet talking me, And making me fall for him. When it was time for him to leave, He said he didn't want to but that he had to. So we said our good-byes. I talked to him when he got home. I got sick while I was out there so I was stuck in my hotel most of the time, So when I was lonely or bored, I'd call him and we would talk for a while. He told me if he had the time on money to come back down and see me before I left that he would of.When I got home, He started ignoring me, Talking to me less. Now we hardly ever talk. I don't know if it's because he actually felt something for me, Or because he was just using me.Only the 2nd guy I've been with, And hurt just as bas as with the first. | | |
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| im new..i loved this place. | | | | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 03:43am 29/12/2002 | | | | | hi..its seher from istanbul..i ve read all the entries of you..i have a story to share too..filled with love..hate..rage..and weakness and regrets..im gonna write it later..i have to be in a good mood first..(sorry im not me for 4 months..i dont wanna cry while writin it..so i have to find the right time)*hugs to you* | | | | | | Post | | | | | |
| DONE!!! | | |
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| 10:33am 04/12/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
determined i am done with this shit!!! i am done with agonizing over him, i am done with being on the rebound, i am done with letting him affect my life! i want to live my life, i want to go out and date, i want to not miss any more opportunities... and i am going to do those things... starting now... i've done my time, we've been apart in every way that counts since may, it's FUCKING DECEMEBER!!!! he doesn't get any more of my life... i already wasted a year... no more... | | |
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| SCREAMER; so much smut, so little time | | |
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| 02:02am 30/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
accomplished OH YESSCREAMER #2 IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!THE MOST KICKASS UNDERGROUND EROTICA MAGAZINE YOU CAN FINDFeaturing works by:Madame Sang and Master R of La Domaine, Skuld tha Rag Hag, Marla DiCarlo of HumpYourFanny Productions, Queenie of M.O.B.and Christen Clark (Uterine) along with many many other gifted writers.ORDER YOURS TODAY FOR ONLY $3 AND 2 STAMPS TO:Kristen Day111 Second St.Pittsfield, MA01021USAZinester Erotica:a literary salute to all the balletrinas who have found thier inner pole dancer. | | |
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| What to do, What to do..... | | |
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| 01:17pm 28/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
confused I have this feeling.... That he's keeping something from me again. The way I found out before was by reading his email. I don't want to not trust him but it's hard. So what do I do? Let the feeling slide? Or start begging hackers to get me his password? God!!!!!!! Why the hell does trust have to be such a fragile thing? Why the hell does love have to involve trust? Why does everything to do with those two things have to be so damn complicated? But my problem comes down to.... Slide? Or hack? | | |
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| how pathetic am i? | | |
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| 07:04am 25/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
frustrated so what do you do when the person you should have gone for, the one who wouldn't have fucked you over, is STILL THERE??? when the tension between you & him is so thick you could cut it with a knife and you KNOW they feel it too and you KNOW it would be the worst thing in the world for both of you and he knows it and he knows you know it too but you just wish and wish and yearn and yearn and there's just no helping the situation? | | |
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| | | | | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 05:37pm 22/11/2002 | | | | | Um hello.im new here..Yeah.leave a comment if you want to add me or something..erm<3katey | | | | | | Post | | | | | |
| something I wrote when the shit hit the fan | | |
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| 05:10pm 18/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: annoyed you know what?breaking up with someone over the phone, making out with some rich college bitch atb a party, while you have a girelfr4iend whos at home writing you love poetry...these are things you do to dumb bitchesI AM NOT A DUMB BITCHI do not appreciate the fact that you treated me like a dumb bitchI had to find out about this shit on the ineternet??please! Hmm....this sounds a little bit like...EMRYSI could take a piece of paper, fold it in half and write NATHAN and EMRYS and there would be so many comparisons right now that it should make you sick to your stomachI was actually under the impression that you hadnt called and stuff becuz you "didnt want to seem like the creepy ex boyfriend."becaus you didnt know how to actbut the truth is you have been too busy hangin out with your new little college girl to call, or write, or see how Im doing or let me know how your doing.when you dumped courtney, you didnt wait so long becuz you actually gave a shit how she felt, you waited so long becuz you didnt want to DEAL with what breaking up would entailgoddess forbid you should have to explain yourself.goddess forbid you should actually have to talkmabout the way you feelweak weak weakhow can you be that heartless?I mean reallyhow can you say theres nothing to talk about?what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkyou know what, now I knowand I feel betterall that crap you wrote about in your live journal about people being a disapoinmentwell, thats exactly the way I feel about you right nowoh, and have the roses died yet?you fuckerso let me get this straight......you thought I depened on you?sorry hun, Ive been thru ALOT of bullshit in my life and if you think a phone call a night and a visit every other week are what it takes to keep me going you need a serious reality checkI do not depend on you fucking with my headcouldnt you just be fuking honest?is it so much to ask of people in the world to be fuking honest?I got you a livejournal so we could know a bit better what went on in each others worldsI didnt get you one so you could flirt with some gilr you go to skool withgive me a fuking breaklemme guess, you told her you really like her but you cant get involved, cuz you just got out of a relationshiphey! Yousaid that to me once too!and then the next thing I knew we were pouring oursel;ves at each other.let me repeatI AM NOT A DUMB FUKING BITCH AND DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR TREATING ME AS SUCH.ha, I really was coming to terms with the fact that you wrre undeinbly one of my best friends and I coukdnt stand not knowing if you were ok and suchI wrote this whole long letter telling you its so stupid for me not to be your friend and blah blah blahyou wil not get that letter, you will not get the goddamn pillowcases I made with love for you, or the apron, or any of the other things I packed into this box sitting before me to send to you.so yah, hide behind a computer screen, a tlephone, a piece of paper instead of confronting me to my facego ahead and hiderun away little boy, I hereby take back the title of little girlyour a full fledged man now, welcome to the real world.you are undeserving of a uteruspeople with the ability to give life arent so cold and heartless"I have nothing to say."well, me neither anymoreIm above it and your not even worth my words.If you gave a shit about me at all ever that would hurt you to read but I know now you only care about yourself | | |
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| stages of recovery... | | |
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| 10:44am 15/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: determined last night i found anger... pure, not tainted with regret or pity or grief... scalding and bitter, like black coffee... it rolled over my mind and filled my chest, and it felt good... for the first time i was able to be just angry with him... and it was wonderful... it woke me up, gave me a new jarring sensation of determination... i refuse to lay down and die... i refuse to let him destroy me forever... there is no excuse and no explanation good enough for his betrayal, no apology sincere enough to erase the hurt... and the wonderful thing is, i know i have the right to be angry... i don't feel bad about it... | | |
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| trusting fool... | | |
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| 10:47am 14/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: confused back in june, i packed up my whole life and moved from my home in germany back to the united states... i gave it all up, friends, family, job, apartment, security... because i had found it all... real love, a lasting requited love, a long term relationship... then i got here... and i found out he had lied to me from the minute we met, about pretty much everything... i found out that he had told all of his friends that we were no longer together more than a month before i ever got here, but never bothered to actually give me the courtesy of telling me it was over... he let me come here, alone, knowing no one in the whole state but him, and let me find out he was done with me by leaving me stranded at the greyhound station in a strange city at 1 am... the worst part is not the incovenience of having to set up a whole life with no connections whatsoever... the worst part is he was the only man i ever believed when he said "you are beautiful"... the worst part is for the first time i threw out as much as i could of the old insecurities, and i believed him with my whole heart when he said "i'll love you forever".... i believed i was special... when all i was is convenient... and the thing that makes it so hard to throw out, to put aside... is that he never told me why... what i did wrong... what i was or wasn't that changed his mind so drastically... | | |
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| ....you do it to yourself you do, and that's why it really hurts | | |
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| 03:11pm 10/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: confused So I saw him again last night. We were both invited to the same party. We were both (amongst many others) crashin on the floor there. And it all went wrong. In the beginning we were really distant. He noticed I was sad so he tried to socialize with people in the other room. But I tended to follow him around a bit. I noticed he was getting sad, I must've looked horrible and made him feel guilty. So then I was starting to feel guilty. I walked up to him and told him that he should enjoy the party, that he shouldn't feel sad for me. He just hugged me. I found a place on the floor right next to him, in a room full of people. He just kept playing with my hair, touching my arm and things. It is his way of showing he cares. I pulled him closer, pushed him away again. I didn't know if I wanted to run or just stay like that forever. We ended up just lying there holding hands, but I found myself wanting more. I could see he was hurting. So I stood up and went to the other side of the room. We were both miserable. I was lying on the other side of the room for a long time. I couldn't sleep. Everyone around me was sleeping. He was just pretending. But then after a while he got up to go to the toilet and had to walk past me. I started crying and he noticed when he walked back in. He sat down beside me and kept on apologizing and hugging me. We were just lying there, he was trying to dry my tears. He asked we what I wanted. I told him how I wished things were different. I told him I wished that for once loving and being loved could be enough. I made him cry. I kissed his tears away. He tried really hard to resist but I didn't want him to resist. So in the end he didn't. We sneaked out of the bedroom into the bathroom. We were *this* close to having sex. But I couldn't, I really couldn't. I told him I really wanted it to be you, but not like this. He understood. He always understands. | | |
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| I have refound that lost love.... | | |
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| 01:51pm 09/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
content Could he have really changed? Does he really love me that much? Is he really in deep pain? Can he really not live without my touch?I guess so.... From what everyone says he has truly turned his life around, And misses me dearly. As much as I wanted to do the whole "strong, independent girl" thing and as much as I know that girl is in me.... I can't turn my back on love. I don't want to miss out on the beautiful things it has to offer. Love has the most addictive taste, And as much as it can leave you balling and twitching on the floor making you wish you never let it into you, It can also be the most freeing thing in the world. All those things you keep from everyday people, Even your family, They all come out in front of that one person. You do what you want, You say what you feel. Even the dumbest things that would make you feel stupid around most, And with that person.... It just feels normal, Like it's right, Everything is in it's place right where it belongs. So, Yeah, I'm giving love another chance. But hey, Even if things don't work out, At least I got to taste love, It is the one things every soul should taste, And mine has. | | |
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| | | | | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 04:31pm 08/11/2002 | | | | | i am not new to lj, i just created a new journal for myself. too many people know about the original one. too many people that i don't want to read about some things. so this is the other side of eggshells. i hope i am welcome here. i have been walked over a lot in my life. this seems like a good place for me. | | | | | | Read 2 - Post | | | | | |
| an ending poem to a book of poetry Im writing... | | |
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| 10:43am 01/11/2002 | | |
| | mood: artistic “I Haven’t Been Sleeping Very Well.”For the longest time you held my heart In a safe place.My muscle would begin to tenseAnd you would always comfort it“Shhh, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”You would sing softly to it and after aTimeThe sweating of my heart stopped.And quietedInto a soft croon of love.With my heart gone andIn your careMy insides had more space to Move about.My soul began to repair itself.Everything seemed so clear.My brain began to scream now,Shrieking like a child-“don’t you remember you cannot trust anyone? Do not give yourself up so easily.You have to come back to this body becauseThat boyDoesn’t knowHow to handle you.”My heart called back from across the state of Massachusetts.“Shhh, there’s nothing to be afraid of, we are safe here.”All screaming stoppedYou continued to hold my heartYou continued to sing Bright Eyes to itYou carried it with you wherever you went.“I want to lose myself in you.”You told meI opened myself up andYou crawled into the empty space Where my heart had been.I cradled you there, held youWrapped myself around you inYour infantile state.Then gradually, noPerhaps suddenlyYou did get lost.In a way neither of us had planned on.Your grip on my heart had become too tightThere were imprints of bruisesWhere your fingers had been.I cried out in pain“Please stop, your hurting me, I can seeexactly what’s happening here.”I saw the fear flash in your eyes.“I’m so sorry- I cannot hold your heart anymore.You’ve got to take it back.”I rummaged around inside myselfTo find your heart andGive it back to youBut I found you hadAlready taken it back.You took it back while I was writing a poemThanking you for standing by me.My heart didn’t fit rightInside me anymore.It had swelled too bigWith the love you fed it on.For two weeks my heart lived outside my bodyIn limboStill attached to youBy a thin threadTraveling back and forthAcross route 281Trying to find where it might fit;Like the child of recently divorced parents.I make that analogy only becauseI know too well what thatFeels like.All at onceYou pulled the thread“I don’t want to lose you.”I saw the fear flash in your eyes againBut this time it was real fear;Not confusion.It was fear that you might lose meFear that you hadn’t made the right decision.I was scared too, perhaps more so than you.I thought back to what my brainHad told me before.I wondered if I should have listened.“I knew this would happen,”I said“and I’m afraid it might happen again.”There was no plan B for me,My heart and brain allOperating underDifferent desires.LET ME TRY AGAINI will open upYou told me,I hesitated at firstBut then-My brain and heart wereIn unisonIt’s ok, he understands“Shhhh, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”I took you backI gave myself over againMy capacity to love youSurprised even me.I couldn’t see what you wereDoing to my heartSo many miles awayBut I could feel it.You were unraveling it,Poking at it.Taking the one loose thread and unstitching the whole mess of it.Testing it to it’s limits.Like a sick scientific experiment,Just another experience becauseArtist make love toWhatever they need at the time.While writers mold a tale of wordsTo try and make humans understandEmotions cannot be explained inOne simple way.Still, I’m glad to have hadSomeone truly beautiful unravel me.It was cruel and unusualYour feelings had changedBut you demandedThey stayed the same.Instead of opening yourselfYou closed upYou preferred to stay mysteriousAnd you didn’t want me to understand youOr else you would have tried harder.I just wanted to see youTo look in your eyesYou thought you couldn’t be what I neededWhat you couldn’t see isI merely needed youTo be you.Nothing moreNothing lessI asked nothing of youExcept honestyI suppose I asked too muchYou tossed my heart back at meAt 100 miles an hourIt hit the wall behind my headAnd splattered onto the floorYou stole back everything you had said.Cold and emotionlesslyYou said you needed toGet away from meTo find yourself.Sounds like something we have heard before….My brain shouted“I told you this would happen!”my heart moanedplease don’t leave usmaybe one day you will knowthe pain ofmustering all your courageto say I love youand mean itand have there be silenceon the other end.THE ENDMoral: If you give too much of yourself to someone you’ll have nothing left for you | | |
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| 11:52pm 29/10/2002 | | |
| | mood: curious Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones-hi *aLL*...*waves* to everyone in 
love_pity_me :o) | | |
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| I forgot this. | | | | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 06:56pm 29/10/2002 | | | | | The girl my ex fucked thought she might of been pregnant, She fucked her boyfriend that same night, She tried to say if she was that the baby was my ex's. He found about this and talked to her friends via email. So I also had to read things he wrote like "Dude, Shes the only person Id want to have a kid with" and "I love people, But no one like her". He told me he was just saying all the shit so he wouldnt piss off her friends. But never once did he write anything about me and how I would deal with this. I found it odd that everyone forgot she fucked her guy that same night, No one ever brought it up, She wouldnt shut up about how big he was and how long he lasted. Hmm, Anyway, Thats my story. | | | | | | Read 4 - Post | | | | | |
| He really hurt me, Over and over again.... | | |
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| 06:28pm 29/10/2002 | | |
| | mood: 
blah My first and only boyfriend. Where to start....My (ex) friend (I wont even get into her right now) had me meet one of her friends. A cute boy that I really liked and seemed to have a lot in common with. She knew I was into him and then dated him herself, Then two weeks later broke up with him. We (me and him) started talking a little more and decided to start dating. My friendship with this girl was falling apart and she later told me that a month or so after I was with him they had a little make out session. I thought nothing of it, That it was just old feelings he had for her that had since passed. I forgave him. Then a while later I got this odd feeling, I always knew when he was keeping something from me, so I asked him if he was. He said no, We fought for an hour or so, I asked him for his e-mail password because I knew he would of talked to his friends if he was keeping something from me. He finally gave in and gave me the password. Then he starts saying "Oh, I dont want you to read this on-line, I cheated on you". It wasnt a stranger, But someone I knew, I thought this was a girl I could trust (not the same girl). And there was more, He made out with some other girl too. I wanted to work things out, I loved him beyond words, More than anyone could love someone else. But his actions showed he didn't love me in the same way. I tried to forgive him this time, But I couldn't. I fell out of love with him due to his cheating and lying. He could never be honest, Thats something he lacks. Thats the short story of it.To all the girls and guys out there, Dont let someone do this to you. People do lie and make real mistakes, But when its taken this far, Its no mistake, Its a cheater. | | |
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