overeaters anonymous' Journal (original) (raw)

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

1:08AM

Friday, November 13, 2009

2:25PM - Got my 30 day chip on Monday...

Have been in OA since September 13, but had one slip in the week I had surgery on my foot. Since then, I have been abstinate for 34 days. Just a crowing moment.

As to how I have done it,

Cooking for the week, at a time i am NOT going to be eating. (it helps to seperate cooiking and eating)

Have been learning my Triger foods, and am watching for the formation of NEW triger foods. Mankind is all about adapting.

Bringing my Higher Power into my life.

I realize this is just the first thirty days of the rest of my life,
But it is only through reaching the decision to Join, and to seek Recovery that I will have the latter, having acheived the former.

Current mood: accomplished

Sunday, November 1, 2009

8:20AM - barely holding on...

So I am barely holding on...Last night was Halloween. I made sure I bought candy that would not trigger me...but I found something that was buried in the mix. I only ate 5 small pieces. Yet, I knew, by doing it, it would trigger the allergy, and start the binge. Well, it did. As I was gobbling it all down...I knew exactly what I was doing, and yet, for those 22 seconds of checking out and numbing out, I didnt seem to care. I always wonder why I do this. It really doesnt matter why I do it...but I cant help but wonder why. The Big Book of AA uses a phrase that I like to repeat...."the memory of recovery becomes threadbare when acting out..." To me, recovery is like a faint echo when I am in the middle of stuffing my face. When I do not have a strong program of recovery, I get a splinter in my mind to act out...I cant seem to rid myself of it. The more I try to ignore it, the more it festers...until I submit...and blow it. And even though I am 20 lbs from goal weight...I am not abstinent. That is the kicker, as I know, that 20 will in AN INSTANT, turn to 30, then to 50 and then I am back at 405 lbs. And all the "benefits" of being morbidly obese come back. The embarassment, the self hatred, the anger, the wallowing in self pity plus the diabetes, sleep apneia, heart attacks, 300+ chloresterol. I absolutely HATE this disease of compulsive eating---it robs me of my life--its slow, painful suicide.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

5:34PM - Praying for Willingness...

I am at a very weak point in my recovery from overeating. I am going to OA meetings, but not fully engaging, not reading or writing, not too many outreach calls...and most importantly, no sponsor. My weight is up 20 lbs from goal and 27 from my lowest this year. The clothes are starting to get tight in all the usual places, my self-esteem is waning, and my depression is nipping at my heels. I really need to get back on the horse, but my self-will and the disease is screaming in my ears. All I need is the willingness...today, I am praying for willingness to "do the deal"

Sunday, October 25, 2009

8:42PM - introduction

my name is jennifer. i am a compulsive overeater. i just joined these two OA livejournal communities to add as a supplement to my meetings. i attend 5 OA meetings a week. i have a sponsor. im working the steps. today i have 18 days of abstinence thanks to overeaters anonymous. i follow a food plan of 3 meals and 2 snacks per day with appropriate portion sizes. i do not count calories or measure my food because the numbers feed my eating disorder.

this is my second time in OA. i hit rock bottom this time, a few weeks ago, when i overdosed on pills and found out while i was in ICU that my esophogus was torn from purging. (i have bulimia). i was told i could never purge again or i would likely tear it again and i could have serious life threatening consequences. but i still did it 3 more times the following week. i know that i cannot do this alone. so i am back in OA and actually working the program and im the happiest ive been in a long time even though im not as thin as i want to be. whenever i have tried to recover in the past, i would gain tons of weight because i would switch to overeating and just stop purging, overexercising, fasting, restricting, but with abstinence i am maintaining and i am starting to feel a little bit more comfortable in my own body. i didnt come to OA to lose weight- i was losing weight with my compensatory behaviors. but i came to become healthy and happy with myself as i am. and it is working! it works if you work it, right?!!

x posted to overeaters_anon

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

4:37PM - up 12 lbs in 3 weeks and scared outta my mind!!!

So 3 weeks ago in a 12 step food recovery meeting, a girl(and a good program friend) mentioned that I looked too skinny! I was a little disturbed by this, but went on with my day. Since that comment, I have used it as license to eat more....culminating with a cheeseburger/fries and a choc shake!!! Never in my food plan would fries or a choc shake be allowed!!!(I cannot have refined sugar or refined flour, and all my food has to be weighed and measured.) It is interesting how powerful I find comments from the opposite sex. I am so affected by these comments...I think, because sexuality, attractiveness and body image are so tightly woven. Have any of you out there been so affected by a single comment from the opposite sex(or same sex if you are gay)?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

11:20AM

i went back to OA yesterday for the first time in years. i realize that i started this community and that i have let it languish while i have been in relapse... i am hoping to make 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, get a food plan and work this amazing program.

if you are out there reading this still please share your stories... it will help keep us all abstinent and out of shame.

also this is not a diet or calories club... this is for people who are looking to work a 12-step program... or at the very least curious about 12-step programs. i would hope that we would all be supportive of each others journeys.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

9:44AM - Dissatisfied

I am removing myself from this community. As an OA member, I though that this would be a community of fellows who are working an OA program. As it seems now though, it has turned into a diet and calories club. I would strongly suggest changing the name of this community if you are not going to follow the traditions of Overeaters Anonymous in order to protect the fellowship.

Monday, March 9, 2009

5:30AM - SUckage!

Ok...so I have been religiously following the same food plan for 5 weeks--eating exactly the same thing every day. First week was fantastic--10.5 lbs. Second week still good--5 lbs third week 2 lbs, fouth week 2 lbs and today, weighin monday.....gained 1 lb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!! I have been starving myself at 1000 cal/day. It takes 2200 cal/day to live. Therefore, I am at a deficit of 1200/day 7x1200=8400 cal 3500 cal=1 lb I technically should be losing 2.5 lbs/week. When I see the friggin scale go up, its like working for someone, then come payday, the boss not only doesnt pay me, he charges me for working for him!!!!! This sux! Anyone else feel shortchanged by their diet???????????

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

8:20AM - tight clothes, frustration, faint memory of recovery....

So here I am--not abstinent. How the hell did this happen? I had 5 years of "doing the deal" lost over 200 lbs, diabetes went away, attitude on life so positive--and now my clothes are tight, my zest for life subdued, and that feeling...you know...attractive to the opposite sex--all gone. It is true...one non-abstinent bite will lead to this. I was the "recovery-guy" "Mr Big Book" now I only have a faint memory of recovery. I string along a few "good days" and when weigh in Monday rolls around, if I lost weight, its like license to act out again. If I gained, the I am filled with remorse and self pity--guess what the scale read Monday? So any advice, words of wisdom, experience strength or hope?

Monday, January 12, 2009

5:43AM - good little boy, hatred of the scale, and total disappointment....

So here I am a week later, ate my weighed and measured food 3 times a day, no flour or sugar and apprehensive of the scale. How much would it read I thought. I was good this week and based on the food plan, I thought maybe 5-8 lbs like I achieved in previous experience(water weight plus fat.) Got on the scale, with trepidation, and sure as shit...NOT EVEN ONE POUND DOWN!!!!!! WTF. Why???? Now I am depressed, exaspirated, frustrated and deeply disappointed. So far, I ate my abstinent breakfast and plan on eating 2 more abstinent meals and hitting the meeting tonight. But, there is a splinter of doubt in my mind. I know how I obsess on this shit, and my hope this splinter doesnt grow into total disillusionment and send me into failure--FUCK IT mode and just give up. On other cheery news, those in the US that are obese now out number those merely overweight. 34 percent are obese and 32 are overweight. Great, now 66 percent of the US population are fat or really fat!

Monday, January 5, 2009

4:19AM - A couple of "good"days and fear of the scale....

WOW!! Just a few months ago I had the momentum of a freight train with my recovery....and now I am limping along, stringing a day or two...then relapsing. It is amazing how powerful this disease is...making me do what I do not want to do. Well, today I have 4 days of abstinence, yet I have MASSIVE fear of the scale. Monday is weigh-in day. Last week I was in San Fran. so I did not weigh in(I am obsessive about weighing in exactly the same time of day and with the same scale) But in 15 minutes I will weigh in on my scale...and I am in total fear. One thought is that I would have gained weight last week(based on my relapses) but since I didnt weigh myself, then I dont know how much. And now since I have had 4 good days(a record for me based on the last few months) I am certain I will have lost some weight. So...here I am....fear of the scale. The good ol days of recovery, I would welcome the number...now I am in fear.
On another note, I am feeling so less than. In recovery, I had such confidence, such good sef esteem...felt attractive to the opposite sex. Now...I feel pathetic...
I have to get the willingness to do the deal 100 percent again!! But...for some reason I am wallowing in self-pity...DAMMIT!

Current mood: anxious

Friday, January 2, 2009

10:35PM - Step 1: Powerless!

I have been cranky with O_A. Why? Because they suggested I was powerless over food. Oh, sure, I can go tick-tick-tick down their check list, but to suggest I'm powerless over food? Hrmph!

Well, I didn't like that. And you know why? Because I was afraid of someone (you know the invisible "them") telling me what I can and can't eat. My fear was that if I failed to get my act together, and failed to get my eating under control, then I'd have to submit to "their" program and "their" eating plan, and get sucked into this place where I'd have to give up my freedom and independence.

Oh, I was so angry! But, then I was talking to a fellow from the program in chat (mirc/icechat). He asked me about my history in the program, and shared program joke about my previous substance abuse. He said, "It's like changing seats on the Titanic." And at first I snickered at it, but then the light went on and I saw how it's the exact same behaviour, just a different substance.

And, aha! It's suddenly not like O_A is a bunch of people waiting for me to join the loser's club, and admit that I can't do something as simple as control what I eat. No! They are people like me who need the grace of God, and are pointing the way to sanity. They are pointing the way to the very freedom I need, not snatching it from me.

Aha! Do you realize how many alcoholics that I know I sound like right now? When I heard their attitudes about AA. Shoot! Do you know what that means? That means the shoe is exactly my size. Guess, I better settled in and accept that I'm here to work the program.

Current mood: optimistic

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

9:40PM - introduction

Hi, my name is Nick, and I guess I'm a compulsive overeater. Well not "I guess," I know I'm a compulsive overeater. This is something I've struggled with for the majority of my life. I had lost a lot of weight when I was 17 and was able to feel better about myself, but now I am 22 and have gained almost half of that weight back due to my excessive overeating. Everyday I think about what food I can eat when I get home. When my partner leaves for work at night, I start binging. In the past year it has gotten much worse and I now feel that I am completely powerless. I've thought about attending OA meetings but I always end up chickening out. I think the main reason is that I don't know what to expect when I get there. I've read the 12 steps and I just don't know how well I can relate to it. The spiritual side of it is hard for me to follow. I am a spiritual person but I have trouble with the idea of saying that a higher power can help me overcome this. Do you think OA is the right way for me to go? I just feel at a loss right now.

5:16AM - anonymity...

So after a 5 year run of abstinence and goal weight, I went out. What was interesting is what happened 3 weeks ago in an OA meeting. I have been in CEA-HOW for the last 2 years, and all of my OA "friends" stopped calling long ago, with the exception of one good, close friend. I went out on a handful of cashews after staying up til 2 am 4 weeks ago. My relapses since have been catastrophic, up to and including this past weekend in Vegas---where I delaminated BIGTIME.

So in desperation 3 weeks ago, I had to get to a meeting a day to try to regain some momentum...and as you may or may not know, CEAHOW has less of a presence than the "mothership" OA. I figured I would drop in on an OA meeting(not my old homegroup) as some form of substitution. I shared that I went out and 2 of my old "home group" meeting members were at this meeting. The following day, I was besieged by phone calls from my old "OA friends" Apparently, my relapse was of great importance to these people who I havent heard from in 2 years. So I put forward a question to anyone who has input on this; Would you consider this a good thing? Bad thing? and why? Personally, I feel the tool of anonymity was violated BIG TIME---because I went to a random meeting, not my old home group for the very purpose of not losing face and the ability to share freely. Now my old group can have something to gossip about---that is my take, whats yours?

Monday, November 17, 2008

5:56PM

I was in Barnes n' Noble today. Can't afford to buy anything, but I like to just be in there (plus pick out a book that if someone asks about Christmas, I can tell them which).
Well I went by the cafe and there was that delicious brownie they have. Obviously certain things are huge no-nos for me, and sugar is one of them.

I was about to get it. I was feeling really bad today and my insane ED brain needed a brownie.
Well guess what?

I just left.

I got home, and felt so much better. So proud.
I don't need that brownie now.

Instead, I'm going to do my wii fit and go to the gym tomorrow (I'm not addicted to exercise, so don't worry haha). & make phone calls, do writing, all our 12-step stuff.

I am incredibly proud of myself and I haven't been for a long time.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

10:47PM - Life is really great!

It is a miracle that I am alive today. Being 200 lbs lighter, having a great food recovery program has changed my life. Today, one of several Hollywood projects came out on the internet and MTV. I am with my beautiful daughter and get to enjoy every aspect of being her dad. She saved my life. In recovery, I get such gifts including being in a music video with her!!! Check it out. I am the dancing "circus barker" in the white coat. She is the fantastically beautiful can-can dancer in red:

www.thebreakandrepairmethod.com

click on the media tab and select video

this is the solo project for Matchbox 20's Paul Doucette

Current mood: giddy

Thursday, September 11, 2008

9:27AM - FA

is there anyone on here who is doing the FA program? I have recently started it and am really struggling and would appreciate talking to some other people going through it. Excuse my ignorance, but I don't know exactly how OA differs from FA, except I think that in OA you can still eat flour and sugar? I'm not sure, I've not tried OA, this is my first experience of 12 step.

I'm 21 and have been trying to recover from bulimia (and previously anorexia) for 4 years, although I'm relatively high-functioning and a healthy weight, my problems with food are making my life miserable so I really want to get better. Today is my day 4 and I'm finding it very hard, my meal plan doesn;'t seem to give me much energy, I feel exhausted and weak and very hungry a lot of the time (maybe this is emotional hunger, it feels physical though), and I'm going to find it hard to cut out alcohol and caffeine as well. So I am really rather grumpy at the moment. I do want to get better, and I have made a choice to try this, but am finding it difficult. I will probably be posting about my experiences in getting abstinent in my journal, if anyone is interested.

Friday, August 8, 2008

1:57AM - 2004. 2008.

20042008

I'd tried every diet out there, and was considering bariatric surgery right before I walked into my first meeting. I'm so grateful I found Overeaters Anonymous. This has been a long journey.

I'm still wrestling with the body image issues, of course. Some days I still feel like 230 pounds inside. But I've grown so much emotionally and spiritually. This is a lifelong process...

Monday, June 9, 2008

5:41AM - Harlan is coming...HARLAN IS COMING...

I am so stoked my friend Harlan is coming to San Diego to lead an OA retreat. He is the poster boy of success in this program...he lost 500 lbs, no surgery, and has kept if off for 10 years! He is a ROCK STAR!

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