Life is a Mere Dream (original) (raw)

(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2004|07:30 pm]Libby
I don't read anyone elses journal on here, sometimes it makes me sad that I don't see my friends anymore. But I will post so that people will know what I'm up to, even though it is sad. So, to start off, I am living off chips and salsa and smoking cigarettes out of ashtrays because I have no money. My car is almost out of gas for the last time, and I am sad to think that it will just be on the side of the road somewhere. My kitties are gone, and I still haven't found a subleaser for my apt yet. I can't afford my bills, so who knows how long I will have lights or even internet. I am going home on wednesday so my mom can go with me to get new tires on my car using my money that is being held for ransom by my fascist father. I hope that my mom takes me out to dinner for real food that is not a form of carb. She said she'd fill my tank to get me back to school, which will help when I am out looking for a job for the second week in a row without luck. I have been waiting a month for unemployment, and it'll still be another week until I even find out if I can get it. It's only $50 a week or two, but at least that will help me with the bills, and even buy some food. I can't afford Christmas presents which isn't a big deal but I hate that I can't do anything nice for people over the holiday. I cry myself to sleep every night, and I barely sleep. Things have become so difficult to manage and I thank god school's over. I keep driving through town and it's completely dead. I managed to find things to do this weekend though...hung out with tyana saturday night when I dropped of my cats, then we went to her friend Janel's who was really awesome. She chain smoked between bongs and made us apple pancakes. I crashed at tyana's so i knew my kitties were ok. We watched a movie and ate pizza after we walked her dogs, then I went to Holly and Lucy's before we went to the bar for Holly's 21st. It was a lot of fun even though it was dead. but, we went to leslie's after to smoke delicious smelling goodness. then I came home and stayed up til 6, woke up at 11:30, did some apps, went to see the career counsellor and got to talk with shiraz too. That was good. But overall, I don't really know what to think of things, especially after friday and saturday nights. I can't believe that happened...it was like someone ripped the cane right out from under me.
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2004|02:49 am]Libby
[Mental State** |hothot] [Moment Music** the l word]My heart started beating really fast when I saw that name, and I can't get it to stop. I think I'm fucked.
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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2004|02:19 am]Libby
1. Went to Art History to wake annie up and make fun of the ponytail guy reading the book about dragon magic in front of us and the fact that everything looks like a "cooter." (Also, I went to get a soda from the machine, and a liter came out, it was very strange for me)2. Went home to study but really just ate really soggy noodles (?) and went on-line to check my bank account.3. Got mind raped by my ethics exam, followed by a class that was about something I tuned out of for an hour to think about sex and how awesome it is.4. Ate mashed potatoes and watched King of the Hill because no one was around to go get pitas with me.5. Showed up late to the pot-luck thingy and caught the end of A Christmas Carol (the part where ebineezer was going crazy).6. Got shot down by the woman of my dreams in an embarassingly juvenile situation followed by a discussion about balls.7. Went to open mic night where I got to hear "Butch." But, I couldn't remember any words to my songs, so I took some Code Red and we left.8. Hung out at Holly and Lucy's: all 8 of us in a small room of haze.9. Decided to go rent the l word upon blockbuster chris spilling the beans that it hit the shelves.10. Waited 10 hours for the limping one to join us for the first episode, which was awesome.11. Now...a bit of research and a cigarette followed by sleeping...must go to last class of last week since skipped other two this week. But then, job hunting and l word watching among other things.yay
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(no subject) [Nov. 29th, 2004|11:57 pm]Libby
[Moment Music |Dry Your Eyes - The Streets]In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round I stand there for a minute starin? straight into the ground Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down World feels like it's caved in; proper sorry frown Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us I can change and I can grow or we could adjust The wicked thing about us is we always have trust We can even have an open relationship, if you must I look at her she stares almost straight back at me But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity When they open up she?s lookin' down at her feet Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over So then I move my hand up from down by my side It's shakin', my life is crashin? before my eyes Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh 'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'It weren't supposed to be easy, surely Please, please, I beg you please She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gesturesBy pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hersDry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word 'Cause everythin's just gone I've got nothin' Absolutely nothin'Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in Look into her eyes to make her listen again I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now 'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down You're well out of order now, this is well out of town She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight Turns around so she?s now got her back to my face Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over I know in the past I've found it hard to say Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight But the more I pull on your hand and say The more you pull away Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now.
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(no subject) [Nov. 28th, 2004|11:53 pm]Libby
I'm starting a ska band. We need a trombone and sax and drums. But no one ever comments on my journals, so I'm wasting my time.
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Break [Nov. 28th, 2004|03:07 pm]Libby
[Mental State** |busybusy] [Moment Music** Franz Ferdinand - The Dark of the Matinée]I was told to update...so I gue-ess I will...in very short synopsi starting from the last thing I can remember...yes, synopsiWent home Wednesday in the storm and I was very scared. Got home and chilled all day til Chrissy called and I went to the theatre to visit her. Snuck into Alexander to see Angelina...but she was not in it very much, but when she was...ho-ot! Rosario Dawson is kinda scary, but the movie was crap, so Chrissy and I smoked in the stairwell. I helped her hang signs on the gates before we left.Thanksgiving was ok...I ate mashed taters, stuffing, canberries (yes, canberries...they're better), and green bean casserole sans mushrooms. Then we played 31 and I had to borrow money cause I am desperately poor. But, I ended up taking all their money and it was awesome. I left that night cause I missed my kitties. I hung out with Holly, Joe, Niki, and her boyfriend. It was a lot of fun. We watched Old School Again until after the dart scene then went to bed.Friday I hung out with Holly, Joe, Sergio, and Tiana. We had four jays and everyone else had a lot of beer. It was awesome. But, we left to go home and watch Kill Bill. I can't believe I hadn't seen it yet...it was amazing. I was the only one who stayed awake through the whole thing.Last night I went to visit Jen in her hotel/apartment. It was awesome. I ate so very much cause I am poor and can't afford my own food. I smoked reds with Sam and Jen and then ate more and more. We listened to The Decemberists and The Postal Service then watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and 28 Days Later. We drank strawberry wine and smoked. Jen and I talked sex for a bit then I left to go home. I was trying to salvage as much of today as possible, but I woke up at 3 anyway. I blame the rambunctious little ones because they jump on me and mess with the blinds.People I talked to/heard from/saw over break:HollyChrissyKellyAnnieErinTuanJenSteph (although not so much)AmandaJessAndyAllyScottKT
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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2004|12:57 am]Libby
I have all couples friends. They are all cute and coupley and it makes me feel really alone and sad. I always feel awkward like I should leave them alone. Also, I am poor. And I hate Thanksgiving because the poor innocent turkeys and being away from my bedmates. I need to find a couple hundred dollars or a job before the holidays, otherwise I will have to give shit presents. I don't know. Ok...done bitching.
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(no subject) [Nov. 19th, 2004|01:15 am]Libby
I don't know what got me thinking about this...I can't remember who's house it was. People move around so much in their life. I can't remember if there was a door at the top of that staircase, because there might have well not been one. I do remember always asking, "Where does this go?" It doesn't even matter if they did go anywhere because to me, they will always be the stairs that lead nowhere. It's a funny thing how people get stuck on concepts that really mean nothing, but somehow end up puting all of their being into some one goal. The thing is, they stop climbing once they reach their goal, the one step close enough to the top where they can taste what they long for. They know if there is a door at the top of those stairs, but they're too far to touch it. The thing is, they were so focused on finding what's at the top of the stairs, that they missed each step. Once they realise that they are so close to solving all their problems, they regret the fact that they missed what those steps gave back. Once they get so close to the top, they can't go back. They become stuck somewhere between solid ground and nowhere and they don't even realise what got them there. See, there will always be a future filled with empty hospital beds. If I'm in the next one, I want to say that I LIVED. I don't want to finally get nowhere and realise I missed everything that would matter most once I got there. I don't want to go through life afraid to take chances. I want to tell people what I really think of them. I want to finally leave this place and go somewhere where the pain of the holidays can't find me. I want to take someone with me...far away. I want to live day by day searching for new ways to get food into my stomach, because that is something that I take for granted. I want to get to the point where I would beg for a hot shower. I want to be thirsty enough to contemplate drinking my urine. I want all this because without struggle, the steps are easy to skip. Nowhere comes along way too fast. Somewhere becomes right here because it's better than back there. Each step is better than the prior and they are all better than the first. I want to be content on every step. I don't want to find that life leads nowhere just as that staircase I remember. It seems strange to think of a staircase leading nowhere now that I'm older, but as a child it was something I never questioned. The thing is, as a child, each day was better than the last without a doubt.
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2004|10:49 pm]Libby
[Mental State |peeved] [Moment Music The Decemberists - Red Right Ankle]I had a really yucky night and I don't like life right now.( really longCollapse )
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2004|01:05 am]Libby
I had a crap Halloween, but the dream I had was awesome. It was like a great sci fi movie with lots of thrills, sex, and betrayal. Not to mention the sharks...yipes! It was the perfect Halloween dream.
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