I Don't Believe In Small Fuck Ups... It's Go Hard Or Go Home... (original) (raw)

November 10th, 2014, 02:11 am

I Don't Believe In Small Fuck Ups... It's Go Hard Or Go Home...

"If you're mad at me, I get it but I broke a rule and started pushing at you because I can't handle people when I fuck up. I apologize."
- Me (I apologized because I knew why I did it)

I'm turtling. Why? Well... I freaked myself out yesterday.
After all the kids left, I started thinking about how them being here is how it should've always been. So, then I'm trying to explain to Wyman why I had 6kids here and I actually typed Brittney's name 3x's and "died" twice. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal but I was drinking... I would like to say I didn't start acting like a complete and total tool (I owe Wyman an apology... A huge one... Probably better than *points at post quote* that one) but that would be a lie and lying to myself does me no favors. How did I drop so far so fast?
Well, at the end of my entry yesterday, I mentioned that were Brittney still here, Laurynn wouldn't be. I would have a son. He would've turned 4 this year. I'm attached to Laurynn in ways even I don't understand considering the fact that I was an ass for so long after she was born. It's weird cuz I kept saying I didn't want another kid and then Kyle asked me to and she became so important so fast. Then I had Jacob and Nelly here and I dunno... I wasn't annoyed with how many kids that were here. I sat out there and talked to them and went outside and took pics of them and I was just calm... Now I'm laying here crying because were Brittney still here, life wouldn't be the way it is now. Kyle wouldn't have lost his shit. I wouldn't be the way I am... I remember saying once that maybe Brittney was the glue that held us all together and we just didn't realize it. She was the carrier of the nails to our foundation, so to speak.
While we were at the beach, David and I walked past the big house that Kyle, Brittney and I had walked past the night we walked 14miles from Ocean Reef. While we were walking, we were discussing moving to the beach and all living in one house. Brittney picked out this particular house for the huge house garage in the back. At the time, there were only 5kids so we were gonna put them all in the garage house. Kyle are I were bickering over the upstairs because I wanted the upstairs.
It's just... It's not supposed to be the way it is now.
What does this hafta do with me pushing people away? Well, I can't deal. I can't. Not today.
Later