How to Leave a Toxic Relationship in 6 Steps, According to Psychologists (original) (raw)

No one ever sets out to be in an unhealthy relationship. We all strive for a version of happily ever after, where our needs and those of our partner are met in a shared life we build together. For a myriad of reasons, however, that doesn't always happen—and what you deem as promising can turn out to be toxic. But since the word toxic gets thrown around a lot, especially in the context of a romantic partnership, it can be hard to decipher if you're actually in this type of situation. What really is a toxic relationship anyway?

"A toxic relationship is one that adversely impacts a person's health and well-being," says Kelly Campbell, interpersonal relationships expert. "Because we spend so much of our time and energy on a romantic partner, these relationships are especially influential on our well-being. When they are going well, we are usually doing well. But when they are not going well, our health and happiness will likely be negatively affected."

Licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and relationship expert Nicholas “Nic” Hardy also adds, "When someone is in a toxic relationship, they often adjust in ways that are contra to who they are. These adjustments are less about improving, and more about unhealthy accommodations to appease your partner." In other words, while it may seem like a toxic relationship is easy to spot, realizing you're actually in this predicament is a lot more complicated, as toxicity can often be wrapped up in internal actions you may ignore. If you do suspect you're in a toxic union, though, we know it's tough—but it may be time to make some healthy adjustments.

Meet the Expert

Below, Campbell and Hardy delve into the red flags you need to look out for and how to leave a toxic relationship when those troublesome signs appear. Read on to get her insights so that you can do what's right for you.

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What Is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one with a negative mental impact, but the definition isn't always clear; the term "toxic" may be open to some interpretation. "People can vary in terms of what they consider toxic: What is toxic to one person might be perceived as normal for another," Campbell says. "As such, the defining features can be somewhat subjective."

That's why it's important to look at each relationship for its specific traits as much as possible. "From a researcher's standpoint, there are numerous factors to consider, including communication style, conflict resolution style, dependency level, and degree of reciprocity," Campbell continues. Nevertheless, there are still universal lines your partner should never cross, which we explore ahead.

8 Key Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship

Ahead, these eight red flags are signs that your relationship is or has turned toxic.

You feel like you're always walking on eggshells.

"The person you are with is unpredictable and could get upset at the drop of a hat," Campbell says. "So you constantly monitor what you say, how you say it, and when you say it, to avoid rocking the boat."

You are investing a lot in terms of time, emotions, and money—and getting little in return.

"Healthy relationships should not be one-sided," Campbell continues. "Although sometimes people carry the burden for a period of time, such as when a partner is ill, this should not be something that continues indefinitely."

Your partner holds you back.

"In a healthy relationship, partners celebrate each other's successes and mold each other into their ideal selves—which is a concept known as the Michelangelo phenomenon," Campbell explains. "If you notice that your partner is jealous, competitive, and generally unhappy when you are doing well, then that's a huge red flag."

You and your partner are constantly fighting.

"Because conflict exists in every relationship, it’s sometimes hard to decipher between what’s normal and what’s unhealthy," notes Hardy. "However, when you are consistently fighting and find yourself getting out of character during these fights, this could be a sign of a toxic relationship."

You lack independence.

"If your partner needs to know where you are at all times, calls or texts constantly while you are apart, goes through your phone or computer, manages and restricts your finances, or engages in other obsessive and controlling behaviors, the relationship is likely toxic," Campbell says.

Your sense of self-worth has dramatically declined since beginning the relationship.

"If this is the case, then you should examine the extent to which your partner has contributed to that outcome," Campbell notes. "Do they put you down, criticize you, judge you, disrespect you, or ignore you?"

You have a lack of peace.

"Every relationship will experience challenges, but on average, if the relationship disturbs your emotional and psychological well-being, and disrupts other major areas of your life (i.e., work) then it could be toxic," explains Hardy. "A healthy relationship should not be a source of ongoing stress and anxiety."

You feel extremely isolated.

According to Hardy, "Toxic relationships can be isolating and deprive individuals of the freedom to have a life outside of the relationship. This can be in the form of relationships and/or activities that you enjoy. For example, if you are forced to disassociate yourself from friends and family, or if the entirety of your life revolves around your partner and what they enjoy, this can be a sign of a toxic relationship."

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Reasons Why It's Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Ending a relationship is never easy. But it can oftentimes be difficult for someone in a toxic relationship to leave their situation due to several reasons, which Hardy breaks down below.

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How to Leave a Toxic Relationship in 6 Steps

Understanding that you're in a toxic relationship is the first step—the next is to figure out how to leave it. "If someone finds themselves in a toxic relationship, they should get the help required to change it or get out of it," Campbell affirms. It's important, she notes, to start creating a game plan. Depending on the level of seriousness, this can mean confiding in friends and family for advice or seeking a therapist. "A good therapist can help you cope, restore your sense of self-worth, and address safety concerns," Campbell continues. "So, if you have access to therapy, it is highly recommended you get professional help."

If the problem is more involved, Campbell recommends the above, as well as saving money to move out, keeping accurate records of abusive behavior, and obtaining a restraining order. "If you have asked your partner to leave you alone and not contact you, but they continue to call or show up unexpectedly, you have grounds for a restraining order," she says. Lastly, keep these six options in mind when you're ready to make changes.

1. Seek Out a Therapist

Speaking to a therapist or counselor about your situation and decision to leave is one of the first steps you should take. According to Hardy, "Depending on the extent of toxicity, safety planning may be a critical step in the process of exiting the relationship. A professional can often guide you through resources, and help you navigate questions or concerns you have about your decision."

2. Tell Trusted Family Members and Friends About Your Situation—Including Your Plan to Leave

"You may need a place to stay when you end the relationship, and people in your social network could help provide that stepping stone," Campbell explains. "At the very least, they can offer social and emotional support."

3. Work on Your Self-Esteem

Hardy explains that toxic relationships can negatively impact our personal belief systems—"whether it’s how we view ourselves, confidence, self-esteem, or our overall views on life"—so doing the inner work will push you in the right direction towards leaving your unhealthy relationship. "A professional can help identify negative thoughts and provide the tools to reframe cognitive distortions," he continues.

4. Save Money

"Try to put away as much money as possible to prepare for the eventual end of the relationship," Campbell suggests. If your partner has been violent and/or has threatened you, keep records of every instance and consider getting a restraining order against them. "Restraining orders give officers the right to search the person if the order is violated, which is important for keeping the targeted person safe," she says.

5. Leave and Cut Off All Communication

"Continuous exchanges can prolong the healing process," Campbell says. "Sometimes it is impossible to cut off all communication, such as when children are involved. In those cases, keep the communication direct and minimal—discuss what you must and nothing more. After some time has passed, if both people heal and change their ways, a friendship may be possible. But right after a breakup, don't try to be friends, and definitely don't engage in any flirting or sexual activity with the person."

6. Identify Patterns and Lessons Learned

"It is important to not only leave a toxic relationship, but also, learn from them as well," explains Hardy. "A professional can help you grow by exploring the relationship in-depth, family history, patterns, etc. Even in the aftermath of a toxic relationship, there is always an opportunity for growth, whether it’s relationally, personally, or professionally."

How to Recover From a Toxic Relationship

After you've left a toxic relationship, Campbell recommends reinforcing boundaries and putting your happiness first. It's also important to remember that this relationship does not define you and that you can build a future where a healthy relationship is possible. These three tips from Campbell can get you started on your path towards healing.

Take the time you need to heal.

"Spend time with people who love you and who build you up rather than tear you down," Campbell says. "You can also spend time with animals since they provide a good model of unconditional love and help alleviate loneliness. They can also get you out into nature and interacting with others."

Pick up some hobbies that you either used to enjoy or have always wanted to try.

"Hobbies not only boost self-esteem, but they provide a good place to meet new partners when the time is right," Campbell notes.

Work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

"With toxic relationships, a person often loses themself," Campbell continues. "It can take time to get in touch with who they are and to heal from the damage caused by the relationship."