cauliflower drove - ELY ON-LINE - "CAULIFLOWER DROVE" OPERA!!! (original) (raw)

by Reg Dixon
click here for cast list

Episode 2 - "Yaxley Farcett- part 1" (May 18th 1998 08:45am)

"IT'S A SUICIDE RAP..WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT WHILE WE'RE YOOOOUNG-COS TRAMPS LIKE US-BABY WE WERE BOOOORN TO RUUUN !!!!!!!"
At this point in the song, Yaxley Farcett slammed both fists into the centre of his steering wheel and screamed. "Born to Run", was, in his opinion, the finest driving song ever written and merely hearing the first few bars of the tune would cause him to increase his speed by twenty miles an hour. Which wasn't saying a lot really, as his bright red Ford Escort (Mk 1- W reg) would only travel at sixty five miles per hour with a following wind and Yaxley's suede boot pressed firmly down on the accelerator. Occasionally that was also a problem as there was a tendency in his car for empty cans, cassette tapes and other foreign objects to roll under his foot pedals at inopportune moments, causing him to have a variety of near death experiences. He once bought a "Kar Klear Kit" from The Krazy Kar Kit People, but that fell off it's mounting and also rolled under his clutch pedal.

Yaxley was in a good mood. A good " I'm about to have a huge great fry up and then do nothing for the rest of the day except please myself" kind of mood. He was speeding along in his Escort towards a new job and a new life. He didn't have to report until tomorrow, so today was for him. The only chore of the day was to find his new digs and empty his one bag out into a wardrobe. As the digs came fully furnished, there was no 'moving' involved. Yaxley liked it that way. Since leaving home he had moved from furnished rooms to furnished rooms..."Born to Run"- that was Yaxley Farcett.........

As he took the exit on the A14 that pointed him in the direction of Barnham, he noticed a series of messages that had been attached to sign posts or the trees on roundabouts. The first one had said, 'Naughty Nick is Sporty Forty !' Yaxley groaned. How he detested these amateur poets who thought it was a real hoot to leave these puerile notes to their friends. The next one was worse; 'Life begins at Flirty Forty for Spice Boy Nick' and they continued on that way for the next fifteen miles. A lamppost was festooned with inflated condoms with the picture of a balding man drawn on the side (if a balloon can have a 'side') declaring that 'Big Boy Nick Does It In Wellies !' The real problem with all this birthday rubbish is, he said to himself, that they never come and take it down. So, there it stays until the council come and do their six monthly clear up. Until then, road users were doomed to read the same crap every morning and evening; thinking all the while 'Who the hell is Nick ?' and 'I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE !!!'

Yaxley was beginning to get hungry. He'd left his old digs in Bradford at six o'clock that morning. He needed something greasy and he needed it now.

The prologue -Episode One -Episode Three -Episode 4- Cast List -'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader