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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded inVenting for Health and Sanity's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, August 7th, 2006 | |
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| _3:00 pm_[hostile_witness] |
sober today I smoked my last pot yesterday and headed to my CA meeting to pick up my newcomer keychain. I waited a while until I came down from the high. I picked up my silver newcomer chip at AA today. I have gotten lots of support and some tough love, and am glad to be back. I want to stay away from Steven aand his bullshit. I don't think I will be back to my homegroup which is also his homegroup any time soon. I've heard he continuously takes advantage of girls. He knows better. And to think he sent me that text message when I was drinking to say: "Thought you might be drunk and horny" What a fucker. I did let him come over and fuck me though, the masochist that I am. He's a sociopath. He's a soft dick in bed most of the time too. Ha! And all I wanted is some honest affection. Looking in the wrong place. He once gave that to me, but it wasn't honest, he was looking for a fuck. So, I think I need to stay away from meetings where I think he'll be. He should have been grateful to have me, what a loser!Had to say it, you're my journal.I got drunk because I was trying to manage my own life, and play God.1 day Current Mood:  contemplative (Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 | |
| _12:04 pm_[hostile_witness] |
I hate men, I love cats Today I find out that my ex boyfriend has FOR THE SECOND TIME stolen a check from me and forged it. this time, he got away with it and this time I'm pressing charges. He must have stolen it way back before I went back in to AA. But he wrote it on the 19th of June. What a fucktard! HE said he loved me, he said he never would hurt me, he said he would never do that again. ANd get this- he wrote it for 53.19 at a Sonic drive in! WTF??? I've been sober for 61 days but have seriously considered completely not working my program and driving out to Sumiton to literally kick his ass. I mean literally. Fuck this praying shit. But I did pray, so I'm begrudged. And then I wanted to say fuck it and have a drink. I've been fantasizing about my fuck it button for almost a week now. But you know what? I don't have enough money to get drunk, and 6 beers wouldn't do it. I would feel dissatisfied, with no sympathy and I would be all alone. I just don't want to trust men right now. I want to wallow in self pity. No one is else is going to give me pity except for my cats. So I will have self pity and kitty pity. They understand. Rubbing their little noses and tails up against me. I will take a shower, go get my cell phone from Steven's house, drop off his birthday present,call my sponsor, and go to the damn 8:00 meeting tonight and pick up my damn gold chip for 60 days. Wishing I could kick some ass. "Relieve me from the bondage of self that I may better do thy will" Ugh!Kitty pitty rocks Current Mood:  pissed off (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Friday, July 28th, 2006 | |
| _6:54 pm_[hostile_witness] |
57 days sober and cookie monster knows me... How did Cookie Monster know? I sent a cookie monster picture from photo bucket to a friend on myspace and 30 minutes later on myspace, I get a friend request from the blue guy! How did he know?? I felt so honored! It must be meant to be because I found a cookie crumb in my bra just now. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone! On another note. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I have been going to AA and CA since June 1st and have 57 days in sobriety. I have much peace in knowing that God is in control of my life and not me anymore. I have met the greatest friends and really am glad I'm not stoned anymore. I have many more tings I would like to change, but one thing at a time, one day at a time, and hey, I'm just tickled blue that Cookie Monster wants to be my friend! Current Mood:  amused (Comment on this) |
| Saturday, November 5th, 2005 | |
| _8:34 pm_[tideandwater] |
Sobriety and College I am a sober college student and I haven't had any alcohol or done any drugs since July 12, 2004.I want to drink right now. I want to drink SO BADLY RIGHT NOW.I am all alone. It is Saturday night. Last night I tried to hang out with kids who were drinking and I couldn't. I hate my life here--it's like I have friends until it gets dark. Then they all go get fucked up. I've been at this school for 1 year and 3 months and I haven't met any sober people yet. I've met a girl who was sober and then started using again, a kid who was forced to AA meetings because he almost died the first week his freshman year but still does tons of drugs, and know a girl who decided to be sober until winter to "clear things up" except the last time I saw her she was drinking wine. My best friend here doesn't go here anymore for stupid reasons and my roommate is 21, Australian, and "normal." I actually have nothing to do. I can't interact with people normally. I hate being around drunk people, but I hate being alone. There is a bottle of Smirnoff vodka in a brown paper bag on my roommate's dresser. She's not here; it's Saturday night and she's out. I am the biggest fucking loser on campus and I just want to drink. I hate all the kids here who are normal, I hate all the kids here who are drunk. I have 15 months and it's not getting any better. I'm sorry, I just needed to rant. (x-posted) (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 | |
| _8:46 am_[omnia_mutantur] |
i still haven't figured out how to feel about this, and it's been almost a year.my partner, though not an alcoholic or on medications that contraindicate alcohol consumption, has given up almost all drinking because he feels guilty drinking in front of me. now, mind you, i feel guilty about him not-drinking, and i would certainly be drinking if i thought i could, particularly the kind of drinking he wants to do, which is a glass of red wine with dinner. sometimes i think it's sweet of him, and sometimes it just feels like another layer of discomfort. he asked, in the store, if i was cool with him getting a bottle of wine, and i said yes, of course, and hoped he would, because we had a friend staying over and i figured he'd be more likely to enjoy his wine if there was someone along to enjoy it with him. but he changed his mind at the last minute, feeling guilty.to be clear, i'm fine with having alcohol in the house, there's been a bottle of cheap rum languishing in the cupboard for years that i've never touched. (cigarettes would be a different matter entirely, though) and he says he's completely fine with not drinking and i believe him, i just feel guilty. he shouldn't have to mimic my brokenness. and sometimes i let it lie, and sometimes i try to talk him into buying wine and fail. (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 | |
| _8:24 am_[chaoskitty] |
this just fit for me..I had to share |
| Friday, August 12th, 2005 | |
| _3:03 pm_[chaoskitty] |
Long Time Lurker First Time Poster Has anyone ever seen the movie Half Baked? There is a great scene where Dave Chappelle stands up at an AA meeting and States his name and says he is addicted to marijuana.Bob Saget then stands up and delivers the hilarious line "marijuana is not an addiction. Have you ever sucked Dick for weed?!?"Dave: "No, no I haven't thanks for putting that in perspective"The problem is I have.Hi, My name is T and I have been stonned for 5 years.It may not be a physical addiction but the mental is just as strong.I use to justify it..saying it help my anxiety and it was better then me being on paxil or effexor any of the other number of soul numbing drugs I have been perscribed.I was at one time a very promissing new voice on the horror erotica littery scene. I had great potential.I haven't written anything in 3 years or more.I am 28 years old with little more then a highschool education. I have been working shit minimum wage jobs and watching others move forward while I sit on the couch and smoke a bowl.The good thing is that weed makes you very apathetic so up until recently I haven't really cared much, sure I have hated my station in life...but not enough to actually do anything about it.weed makes everything "meh"Now it is affecting my realtionship....drasticly and maybe I didn't even realize how much until last night, when it almost ended.That is the one thing I won't be appathetic about. The one thing that means the most to me in the world. I would sacrafice anything for the one I love.Even my comfortable cherished habit.Day 1. The commitment to myself is no more smoking weed except in the occasional social setting. It may be foolish of me to think I can keep it just occasional but for now I am not willing to go cold turkey and really don't think I need to.No more smoking before work, no more smoking after work...and definatly no more smoking during. Basically no smoking at home (unless we have guests)With the exception of a week that I spent travelling in the states last year and couldn't score the entire time (and trust me I was trying every chance I got from the moment we got over the border)I haven't been sober longer then 24 hours in 5 years.I am not even sure what it is like...or what I am like.So this is my pledge to myself and to my love....and all I can think about is how badly I want to go home and smoke a bowl and how fucking terrified I am. Current Mood:  cold (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, August 21st, 2005 | |
| _7:54 pm_[cyb3rj] |
Do I still have a problem? When is "I crave beer" like "I crave milk"; when is it a problem?Dammit, I hope I haven't awakened a sleeping dog... all I did was start having ONE beer a night (which I've safely done before), and then it turned into two. I've been without for three days now, and I.Want.A.Beer.I drank three liters of iced tea today -- which I was also craving. Am I an Iced-Tea-aholic? (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 | |
| _11:47 am_[newfytron] |
I'll fly away... So I've decided to stop smoking. That is to say, to stop making it the centerpiece of my life. I had a cigarette yesterday, I had two the day before, but those three cigarettes are three out of the forty or more I would have smoked normally in that same time period. I have no idea if this is going to stick. I'm a fairly anxious person, and at times I've felt like re-staging that scene from the beginning of "Apocalypse Now" in real time, but I haven't. One thing I've noticed is that I can smell things much more keenly, even after a week of smoking very little. Good stuff, like food smells, and bad stuff, like garbage. I didn't really need to know how garbagey Chicago smells in the summer.I do feel less anxious than usual, in a way, and nowhere near as hungry as I feared. On the other hand, I totally have been drinking to dull the cravings, which is ironic since I started smoking full-time when I stopped smoking pot and drinking heavily at the end of College. I guess I feel like I have a better history of managing my drinking, where the smoking's been compulsive and out of control for so long it's crazy. I would be okay with smoking occasionally--I just want to step off this treadmill of addiction. This all started because I went on a family vacation, and didn't want to smoke in front of my mother, who smokes herself. Hmmm. This is a multilayered thing. I chainsmoked my way to the airport, and then left the pack in my friend's car. I bought two packs while away, which is pretty little for me in a seven day period. I just felt like a sleazeball walking miles up the beach to sneak a cigarette. Like a childish sleazeball. I've also been a little moody, but who can tell the difference? I'm pleasant on the surface, and brittle on the inside pretty much always. Let's leave the sex-compulsion thing alone too, shall we? Am I really going to be super-proud of myself if I screw and drink my way through cigarette withdrawl and then probaly start up aqgain anyway? Oh, shit man. I totally feel I'm going to crack. (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 | |
| _10:11 pm_[rainflowermoon] |
Hi there-First post Forgive the snark, and the vent about to happen, let me introduce myself first:I'm Jess, and I'm a nicotine addict.Yes, I am in a 12-step program, but I'm looking for alternative ways to stay smoke free, and not have the stigma of being an addict attached to my already gimpy behind (I'm in a wheelchair too)Now the snark:I refuse to be molded and labeled. I am NOT a weak person. I'm planning on throwing myself headlong into getting my masters.What do I do when the compassion runs out and the cynical me takes over and says "to hell with 12 steps. I don't need your chains." I know I'm going to leave the 12 step eventually. I just can't be held or pinned down. I want a cig so bad I'm ready to fucking scream. The only service I'm going to do is to keep myself healthy, and lend an ear for those that need it.EDIT: I was never a heavy smoker. I was a VERY LIGHT/casual/social/stress smokerI just don't know where to turn. Current Mood: cranky (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, June 26th, 2005 | |
| _1:21 pm_[starchy] |
How do I not drink when I get the news that an old friend ODed two days ago and 3,000 miles away?And of course, considering her history with trying to stay clean and sober, having that drink wouldn't feel right anyway, but goddam, what else can I do? (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| _10:21 am_[omnia_mutantur] |
cranky moment all these recipes that i'd love to make that call for wine.and i had to all but brawl with the woman at the wedding yesterday not to pour me champagne. "you can just hold it up to toast" my ass. (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, June 5th, 2005 | |
| _5:13 pm_[alliepoo] |
i feel really.. down. without cigarettes and other drugs my mood has been really unstable. i would have assumed if anything it would be more level.lately all i've felt like doing is laying in bed and listening to music or reading. i may be a lazy person but i've never felt this anti-social. the world depresses me. i miss weed. i miss feeling happy even when my day sucked. i hate feeling down when i'm in one of the best places i've ever been.life is good. why don't i feel good? (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Friday, June 3rd, 2005 | |
| _3:21 pm_[cajoje] |
I had a mighty big slip and fall last night. We're in St. John's Newfoundland for a big conference and last night me and merc went out and not only did I drink many beer, but I also took a couple of hits off a joint, which is something I haven't done in years. As soon as I did it, I remembered why I hadn't done it in years. We had to take a cab bck to the hotel because I couldn't walk. At all.Now I feel crappy, for a bunch of different reasons. I dissappointed my husband, I looked like an idiot in front of my friend, I couldn't go on the boat tour this morning because I felt so shitty, I ruined the day, I feel nauseous and shitty. I feel guilty and ashamed and all sorts of negative things. :( I feel stupid. And not happy. (6 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, May 26th, 2005 | |
| _6:01 pm_[fountaingirl] |
Fucking coffin nails This is ridiculous. I have to quit smoking. I know it isn't an addiction that is seen as being as serious as many, but this has GOT to stop. I'm 35 and I can't use the form of birth control I want because I smoke. I can barely pay my bills because of attorney's fees and other legitimate costs, and now pretend I'm not home when the student loan people call but I can always find a way to buy GODDAMNED CIGARETTES. How much of an idiot am I?God. I don't even like it any more. I used to really like it, but now I smoke and just feel toxic. And I've tried to do that cutting back thing but I'm in the middle of a divorce and it didn't stick and I smoke like a longshoreman. I joined this community to have a safe place to just fucking scream. I hope that this is acceptable. I have to do the smiley face thing, have to be even tempered with my kids and my mom, not call the soon-to-be-ex (STBX) a douchebag even if I am nicking within an inch of my life and it would be the gods' own truth anyhow, keep my sanity and my clarity in my job where I have to stand basically on stage every freakin day in front of an audience of bored postadolescents daring me to entertain them.I know I have to quit.What will I do for breakfast if I can't have coffee and a cigarette? That *is* breakfast.I smoke in my dreams.I'm enough of a nic addict that I smoke in the TUB, folks. I sit in a bubble bath with a cheezy mystery and I light up. And the fucked up thing is I'm actually athletic, I play sports, work out -- and I still smoke. A lot.My mother lives with me. She is a heavy smoker. She ain't gonna quit any time soon. I gotta quit regardless.So how come it feels like I will be losing a friend if I do? That makes no sense. I fucking hate that I smoke. Why does thinking about stopping make me panicky? Feels like deprivation....I'm not ready yet but I gotta get ready soon. I pay almost $4 a pack now. I need to stop. I'm gonna stop. Within the next month, but haven't picked the stop date yet.I will likely be a raving bitch when I do, and will come here to let fly. I hope you people meant the 'snarky' thing. I've smoked for 15 years and this isn't gonna be pretty. Current Mood: thrashing around (5 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 | |
| _4:21 pm_[catling] |
It's days like today that I know, fully, no bullshit, no denial, that I am an alcoholic.With my stress and emotional distress levels all the way into the red, I want that drink so bad I could almost cry.But it would not be one drink.What I really want is a bottle of gin. Bombay Sapphire. I want to drink iced Bombay Sapphire until I pass out. I do crave the taste. I do crave the mellow feeling on the way. But all of that is just iceing on the cake, what I crave at the moment is oblivion, is the world falling away and the darkness swallowing me.I picked the wrong time to quit smoking so fuck it, I'm staying a smoker for now and I refuse to be angry with myself for it, I have enough stuff to be angry about.I was stupid on Friday and justified trying a few sips of beer at a brewer festival and even though I didn't drink more than the equivalent of a beer (less than one beer) it ended up being a weird ass night involving a Gnostic Christian Prophet and other crap I don't need, and I should have stuck to the no booze and so I'm back on the no booze until July. I think I'll end this period on July 1 for the Firefly festival, but I will be careful and if stress is still unmanageable I won't, I will tack on another six months or year or whatever of not drinking.I think I can get to the point where booze is not a problem for me when I'm doing good. The trick is, what makes you a recovering alcoholic, always, you're never cured.... is that when it all goes to shit, what do you want? That old friend. Mr. Bottle. God, I miss him. (Comment on this) |
| Friday, April 29th, 2005 | |
| _11:40 pm_[pjoseph] |
Ventilator It's not that I wanted a drink this week. That would have been crazy. Monday marked 150 days sober. Whoopee. The thing is, I was on vacation. People on vacation go ape shit crazy. They submerge into debauched states and have wild times and blackout, and vomit on hookers. Well, they go out for drinks, get tipsy, so dancing at the goth club and flirt with women wearing dark colors. I don't know about all that hooker business. Some men in their mid thirties that make a lot more money than the average cartoonist/video store manager do that.So my vacation consisted of eight days of writing and drawing, eating at Austin's more established diners, and doing laundry. Also, I bought a piece of exercise equipment and actually used it several times. What frustrated me a bit was that I couldn't "act normal". Now, I came to terms a while back that, as a drunk, I done went and used up all my liquor tokens. In fifteen years I drank as much as three moderate drinkers would consume in their combined lifetimes. There is no place for sober and single men to explode and act batshit crazy and flirt and maybe make a date. Not that I'm even ready to accommodate anyone else right now. A friendship with sexual tension would be the speed limit. The height of my decadence now is driving sixty miles to buy a bag of Krystal burgers at midnight with by best pal. When I first started stopping drinking, like seven years ago, I'd go out and dance at bars. I didn't figure out the whole alcoholic trigger thing until last year. Stay away from drinking environments. This is why people get into those groups. Those people can share some hints. The problem is I don't like feeling part of a group. that and I'm a little thick when it comes to figuring out some stuff. I could hear someone explaining why one should avoid bars while sober. The thing is I've got to figure out the why on my own. And it goes a lot deeper than some grade school monkey see crap. Sitting in a restaurant surrounded by people drinking wine with dinner is nothing. I never drank with food. Like the best of drunks I drank instead of food. So eating out is safe. This is all capped off by the fact that I have gained twenty or so pounds since going sober. See, I quit smoking the same day. Interrelated addictions, I figured. My head doesn't miss smoking, but I think my mouth does. Who knew? Anyway, the point is I feel like getting this weight off so I can wear all my pants again. That leads to more discipline and further denial of anything that is even remotely bad for me. As an adult I have spoiled myself by submitting to the will of every little impulse I've ever had. It's not a lack of self control, it's a rebellion against restraint. It's taking everything that I thought defined "me" and throwing it in the trash and leaving the good parts intact. It's a mother fucking pain in the ass is what it is. And I wouldn't go back to the irrational, long distance phone call making, puking every morning, no food eating, insecure, unreliable, emotionally unstable bastard I was for ANYTHING. (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, April 26th, 2005 | |
| _2:14 pm_[catling] |
I decided to quit smoking this week. 24 hours since my last cigarette, at this point, and it means that the booze stopping and the cig stopping are pretty much linked, I stopped with der Boozen on April 12, with der Cigaretten on April 25. I surely must be a masochist to do this all at once, but I really do think it's good for me.I am tired of the way my body feels since I started really smoking again. Tired of puffing on stairs. Tired of just feeling the toxins in me. Yuck.But I really want a smoke right now. S'funny, I think I'd already broken the worst of the booze addiction, because since deciding to take a break that has not really been kicking, but oh my god, I want a cigarette so bad at times. That nicotine addiction is a bitch! Once it gets its claws in you, the withdrawal sucks.But I will persevere. I will beat both addictions. Current Mood: calm (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, April 23rd, 2005 | |
| _7:07 pm_[omnia_mutantur] |
i hate the social aspects of being dry.i'm bringing kosher grape juice to a seder. my first seder, in fact.and the host is sweet about it, and everyone understands, but it boils down to me and a bunch of tipsy people. i hate feeling awkward. (Comment on this) |
| _12:16 pm_[starchy] |
One Week Dry (I Know Where My Towel's At) Seven days ain't shit, it's true, especially when I still have the constant reminder of my recent excess throbbing in the middle of my face. Taking that vaunted first step might be hard, but once you start moving that foot forward it's easy as falling off |
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