Rambling Works Of Art (original) (raw)

Things change only to stay exactly the same	[19 Sep 2014|03:15pm]
[ **mood** | pessimistic ] Why do I still feel like this, even when it was almost 7 years ago:It's just that even in my head, in my own fantasy world where I am awesome and made of win, I'm still the stopgap, the one who's there until he finds someone better to love or gets who he actually wants. And I want "my" boys to be happy, it just never seems to be with me. Because I'm going back to uni, I'm re-reading what I wrote my first year in undergrad and I feel no different. The things I wrote then are still pretty much the way I feel now.
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Open letter to the world that has been in my head for days and thus needed to be written down...	[20 Feb 2013|12:31am]
[ **mood** | frustrated ] Dear You,I do not care who you date, kiss or sleep with. Be they male, female or a goat (actually, I kind of care if they're a goat, I think I might judge that. It's a bit weird.). It is also none of my business. Especially if I don't know you. I'd quite like you to be happy though, so I hope you have someone. (Maybe you could cuddle the goat. You can definitely cuddle the cat and the dog, and also possibly the rabbit, if you can get it to keep still long enough.) Actually, that's a lie. I might care. But only because you are not doing any of those things with me. Not because of the person you are doing so with. I would also care if you are trying to do any one of those things with me and you already have somebody. That's unfair. To them and me. So I'll judge you for that.But yes, point here is; I don't care who you are with, or who you want to be with. I just want you to be happy and loved.Yours sincerely,me.
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Can it be your life's just one more lie?	[06 Feb 2013|12:01am]
[ **mood** | weird ] The conclusion has been come to that I am in fact a 13 year old fangirl. This is not surprising in any way, shape or form. My current obsession is One Direction. It's sickening. I spend my time stalking the tag on tumblr. (tumblr of all things, I'm not getting one, I'm just not.) I read the fanfiction. Admittedly, I read the fanfic of everything. Luckily they're very, very easy to slash. They even pretty much ship themselves. It's kind of fabulous. Except for the drama, and my God, is the fandom full of drama. I swear none of the bands I slashed when I was actually 13-16-ish had that much drama. Admittedly I was in bandom of the Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Mest, Good Charlotte and Simple Plan vairety and they pretty much slashed themselves too and did so proudly and with a whole lot of irony. It also seemed to contain a lot of incest - twincest and cousincest were a thing. I should possibly be more ashamed about that than I am. Maybe it was because they were older than One Direction are and found it easier to laugh at themselves. One Direction are still babies. Also, maybe they were all just sensible and didn't read the fanfic about themselves, although they had to have seen it. I suppose, also, it's easier now, what with twitter and all, to bombard bands/people with your ships and opinions. Also, Fall Out Boy reappearing? Yay. Their new song is shiny.Les Miserables is also up there on my obsession list. My mummy, daddy and I went to see the film last week and I unashamedly bawled my eyes out from the first song. It's fabulous and shiny, and I actually think it was very well cast. I already loved Hugh Jackman, and Russell Crowe was suprisingly brilliant for all the bad press he got, thought that was a bit undeserved. I fell in love with Eddie Redmayne and his freckles, and let's not forget his voice. He's pretty gorgeous all round. And my God, the little boy that played Gavroche, Daniel Huttlestone, was my favourite thing ever. he was outstanding. The scene with Javert and him towards the end broke my heart. Les Amis were fantastic too, as were Amanda Seyfried and Samantha Barks. Cosette when she's older has always annoyed me but Seyfried did play her fabulously. And Samantha Barks is just wonderful anyway, and Eponine breaks my heart. And God, the scene where Enjolras and Grantaire die (Grantaire running up the stairs to die with Enjolras and Enjolras hanging out of the window (that image is so powerful) *sob*) seriously destroyed me. Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were gold ("Courgette", "It's Cosette", "Whatever"!).It's tumblr's fault again, but Enjolras (which I found out how to pronounce properly and then promptly forgot again, which annoys me no end) and Grantaire have taken over my life. Grantaire just makes me sad, like Eponine, with his calling of Enjolras Apollo and his belief in, not the cause, but only Enjolras himself, and their dying holding hands in the book. My stars.Modern AU fanfic of Les Amis is my weakness at the moment and some of it is brilliant. Aaron Tveit and George Blagden (he's only just younger than me, what the hell?!) have become my headcannon for the pair, although Ramin Karimloo and Hadley Fraser's interaction during and just after Fraser's verse in Drink With Me in the 25th Anniversary Concert is one of my favourite things and makes my heart clench. Their faces. I keep getting random Christmas music because I haven't bothered to go through and un-tag it all again. I do it as it plays, I think I've nearly got it all but can't be bothered to check.Which is another standard. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything with my life. I'm at home again and don't really want to stay here, but I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. Well, I know what I want to do, which is what I've spent the last two summers doing, but that involves paying to go and do it and not actually getting paid and money is something that I am sorely lacking at the moment. Booo.
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	[27 Aug 2012|06:46pm]
[ **mood** | bemused ] It's funny how things can tie together. On friday I was thinking that I wanted champagne after watching the season 1 finale of Dead Like Me and then Bastian and his sister were drinking it and offered me some. And yesterday I finished reading a book about race (well a coloured baby born to white parents due to one of them not knowing they had a black ancestor) and then the Chuck Lorre Productions card thing at the end of the episode of The Big Bang Theory I watched was #269. Which reads:I have long believed that part of our problem with resolving race issues in America is our inability to accurately name what we are. Aside from the occasional Johnny and Edgar Winter, there are no white people. Any child with a box of crayons can tell you that white people are, in fact, beige. The sickly ones are grey. Following this crayon logic, one can easily see that there are really no black people. They are brown. Or perhaps raw umber. Or maybe burnt sienna. Frankly, every time I hear someone comment on America's first black president, I can't help thinking, "No, he's not. He's more like caramel." Which is why I think we should all get in the habit of calling each other what we really are. How can you racially slur a man by calling him "beigey" or "umber"? The answer is you can't. Because that's exactly what he is. The melanin doesn't lie. Buy a box of Crayolas and see for yourself. We are all members of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Can I hear a kumbaya?
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I'd rather be a comma than a full stop...	[08 Jan 2012|10:43pm]
[ **mood** | calm ] My writing in here is remarkably sporadic. I only ever seem to write when I have something to squee about or stress about. At the moment my squee is Sherlock. I adore Benedict Cumberbatch. I could eat him up. And Martin Freeman is awesome. Tonight's episode was fun, I loved watching Sherlock grovel to John. Russell Tovey is pretty fun also. My icon at the moment pretty much describes my swoon.I'm also still obsessed with Nick Jonas. That jounal entry was almost exactly a year ago. And it hasn't gone away. He's still outstanding and I could quite happily eat him too. So where am I? I enjoyed my time in Peru and was sad to leave. I got on really well with everyone there but things happened have changed over there and going back would be strange I think. I'm slightly apprehensive about it, but I might in a year. I then went over to New Zealand and that was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed what I was doing: I basically spent seven weeks taking pictures of dolphins, and I got on fabulously with the girl I went to help and the other volunteers. If they weren't on the other side of the world, we'd be really good friends. I was incredibly lucky when I got home. I got home from NZ on November 13th and had a job by the 21st. Admittedly it isn't the most fascinating job in the world but it's steady money and means I'm one step closer to going away again. I'm a food and beverage server at the MacDonald Townhouse hotel in Manchester, pretty much like working in a cross between Kittocks and the Squire at the Fairmont. The people are pretty lovely though, but they need more staff, so so so badly. I spend pretty much all my days off in my pyjamas. It's strange to not have uni work to come home to though. It does make me miss the Fairmont, but going back this year wouldn't be the same as Fudge isn't boss in C&B anymore. Harvey and Dan are pretty similar to Fudge and Niall though, which is hilarious.
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Update 1	[06 Aug 2011|05:08pm]
[ **mood** | content ] So I have been in Peru for 32 days and so far I have:  played tourist around Huaraz,  met an alpaca called Pedro,  climbed a glacier, been to the thermal baths at Chancos, had 2 hot showers, been sandboarding in Huacachina,  given myself concussion sandboarding in Huacachina,  gotten lost in Lima,  realised the traffic in Peru, especially in Lima, is insane,  had a bus tyre go pop on my way to Lima, watched a lot of films, eaten a lot of bread,  written a number of species profiles, seen lots of dead sea lions,  varnished a moderate amount of dolphin and sea lion skulls,  walked a lot of beach,  scrambled over rocks to get to the next beach, seen a dead dolphin,  been back to collect the skull of the dead dolphin,  attempted to get the flesh/skin off dolphin skulls,  seen live bottlenose dolphins,  seen the remains of a juvenile humpback,  removed said humpback’s mandible for study,  broken a number of scalpel blades,  managed to splotch a number of tops with bleach,  finally been to the laundrette after almost 4 weeks,  taken over 2400 photos, cleaned. A lot.
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just try not to worry...	[20 Apr 2011|10:43pm]
[ **mood** | sad ] I don't know how to be anything other than a student. I don't want to leave uni but that's more because it's safe and I've got friends here. There are so many people that once I graduate I'm never going to see again. I have a month at most and then I'm done. And if I want that can be it forever, I never have to go back into academia. But I don't know what I want to do. More and more I'm leaning towards getting a crappy job that pays like just over minimum wage, working for like 6 or 7 months at a time and then going off and doing 5 or 6 month internships. That way I could pretty much travel the world and do interesting things. It'd be like working for half a year/ three quarters of a year and then going on holiday for the rest, but getting the work experience that I actually enjoy. I need to build up marine mammal observation skills, doing the MMO course would be an excellent step but it keeps being at the wrong time and until I've had a full time job for a couple of months I don't have the money to do it. Hopefully Peru will give me a little bit of a step up in field work. That's the one thing we don't really do much of here. MM field work. But I suppose if you have it it makes you stand out and shows you're willing to go out and find the experiences. I'm so very very lazy.
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All we need is some ice cream and a hug...	[12 Mar 2011|10:36pm]
[ **mood** | distressed ] I've changed from a couple of months ago. I don't want to stay in St Andrews any more, although I really want to do the MRes still. I'm fed up of uni and I don't have the contacts to do what I want as a job. Hopefully this summer will change it a bit but I have no idea. I don't know any of my lecturers/supervisors etc well enough to get really good references from them and I don't know how to get the relationships I need. I don't know what I want to do and I really don't know where to start either. I feel like I should just let things happen and not stress to much about it, but that's hard. I want to have something lined up to do. Maybe it'll be easier once I know what my degree is. That way I'll have something solid to go searching for a job with. I think if I don't get onto the MRes I move home and get a crappy job in Manchester and search for interships/volunteer positions within marine mammal areas. And remember that I don't have to have a family by the time I'm 30, it can wait a while. And that one day I will save enough to see more of the world, even if it's when I retire.
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I can't wait for summer! :D	[25 Feb 2011|10:02pm]
[ **mood** | nervous ] I'm so looking forward to summer now, although I'm acutely terrified. I got my ORCA internship so now I'm spending 10 weeks in Peru. I spent an atrocious amount of money on flights. I'm flying from Manchester to Lima and on the way back I'm going to spend 4 days in New York. I've never been to America so that's exciting. But the entire thing is going to cost me over £3000. I need another £500 at least. ARGH!I want my parents to come out to New York so they can pay for things. I also want a camera to add photos to everything.I'm tired and I can't do my dissertation and I'm still terrified I'm going to fail. I'd like it to be the 20th May now please.I do however love West Wing.
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	[20 Feb 2011|09:31pm]
[ **mood** | exhausted ] So I ate waaaaaaaaaaaay too much last night. We had a feaste followed by a banquet. It was awesome and very very very tasty but sooooooooo much food. It also started with apple pie. And liquorice root is interesting. Plus my dress was gorgeous. This morning feels like a whole other day ago. I think driving from Manchester to St Andrews feels like a day in itself. I've sent in my application for the International Internship Programme with ORCA, which I'm really hoping I get. I think spending 2 months in Peru working with marine mammals would be amazing, especially as nothing has seemed to come from the UCSC volunteer programme I applied to in California. If Peru falls through I'll apply to the bottlenose dolphin volunteer programme in Cardigan Bay. I've also got my MRes application pretty much written, so I need to start working through the online PG application, but not right now. Right now I'm exhausted.
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	[23 Jan 2011|09:21pm]
[ **mood** | bubbly ]
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	[06 Jan 2011|11:15pm]
[ **mood** | anxious ] I have this weird thrumbing energy under my skin and I can't settle and don't want to be here and just want to go home. As a result I'm now planning to essentially commute back up to St Andrews next weekend for a day's work. Which is what £80, just over, in petrol but at the moment I kind of don't care. Admittedly it'd make a hell of a lot more sense for me to just stay up here and not go home on Sunday. But I want to. I want to see Panto and I want to see if this ache settles. I think part of it may be that I have the first part of my dissertation to do but it's not due until the 4th of February, so I don't really have that urgency/rush feeling to do. I feel like I should be doing it but don't have the motivation to do it at all. I'm slowly doing the reading for it. In completely unrelated news, and something that probably be slightly cringe-worthy to admit but I don't care about that either, I'm completely obsessed with the Jonas Brothers, especially Nick. It started because I watched the Matt Lucas documentary about the 25th Anniversary concert they did for Les Mis, and Nick was Marius. And then I went and found the clips of him being Gavroche when he was little and just awww. I love Little People and Empty Chairs at Empty Tables anyway, so him singing them, goodbye sense. It doesn't help that him and Kevin are probably my favourite bits in Camp Rock and Camp Rock 2, and that I love Introducing Me.And yes, I have the brain of a 13 year-old apparently. I'm always going to have the Disney Channel in my cable package.
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	[12 Dec 2010|06:48pm]
[ **mood** | scared ] I love books and films and shows that make me cry. Also songs (this song right now makes me cry). I cry because they're sad and because they're happy. The bit in my book just now was beautiful so it made me cry.I'm so so so completely terrified. I have one semester left of university and really no proper clue what I want to do next. I want with all my heart to do the MRes in Marine Mammals here, but I'm worried my grades won't be good enough (**) and that I won't have enough work experience. And that I won't be able to fund it. Getting funding for masters is next to impossible and there's no specific scholarships for the course. I want to do it because I want to know whether I could cope with a PhD and because I have no clue in what area I want to do my PhD in. And also because I love love love St Andrews and would kill for the opportunity to work more closely with the staff at SMRU. I'm also scared of the application form, mainly because some of the sections say max 500 words and I'll probably have only 150 max.(** I think I'm on course to get a 2.1. I don't think I can get a 1st but a good 2.1 should hopefully be achievable, as long as I don't screw up my dissertation.)
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...just one f**king thing after another.	[05 Oct 2010|11:59pm]
[ **mood** | discontent ] How have I not written in here since June? I think I just lost my head again. I started thinking and now I've got that buzzing, uncertain feeling in my head where nothing feels right or settled. Sometimes pain isn't real, sometimes it's a phantom remembrance of how the pain felt at the time. It doesn't hurt as such, it's just a feeling, almost like I remember how I felt and I feel I should still feel the pain, but it just makes me sad instead. But maybe that's just time and that's a good thing. I've been reading Inception slash and it made me think about my grandparents. I don't remember the year my grandfather died. I remember the day (New Year's Eve) and breaking down with one of my friends and that it was before I went to uni but not the year. I remember when my grandmother died, the day after I got my first tattoo, and it wasn't linked to her but now it will be forever, and the memory of my mother telling me about the face she pulled when she got told about it. It is highly possible I have tendonitis in my right wrist, down my right thumb, but because it's my dominant hand I can't stop using it. Perversely I want the x-ray to show I've fractured it and for it to be put in a cast. At least that way I'd stop using it, although showering would be a nightmare.
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	[13 Jun 2010|03:38pm]
[ **mood** | contemplative ] There's a bad thing about working weddings. It's not really bad, it just makes me feel a bit silly. It makes me daydream about getting married. About the actual wedding and what dress I'd wear, what we'd eat, what our first dance would be. It makes me want to start putting a wedding portfolio together.And all of that is kinda silly, because it's not going to happen for at least another 3 years, more like 7 or 8. (I nearly wanted to be dramatic and write it's never going to happen, but even though sometimes it feels like it is never going to I'm optimistic.) It's just I don't remember daydreaming seriously about getting married and my wedding when I was little and now I'm older I dream about it. Like actually sleep-dream about it and that's odd.Although I suppose starting a collection of ideas isn't a bad thing, because some of the things from weddings we've done are clever and beautiful and they make me happy and I won't remember them when I actually do get married if I don't write them down somewhere. The other thing is I found my perfect man. The only problem is he's a character in a book. Or married already.
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Life Update	[10 Jun 2010|07:23pm]
[ **mood** | excited ] So I've finished 3rd year. That's incredibly strange and this time next year I'll be waiting on my degree classification. Time is insane. It passes so quickly, blink and you miss it. My last exam was the 21st May, so I've been slumming around for almost a month already. I'm still up at uni because we have our house until the end of June. And also I can work up here when there is work. Next week'll be fun, working everyday except Wednesday and Sunday, so essentially a full time job for the week. I'm actually serious too, I love working up at the Fairmont. It's not the best pay-wise and the job itself is pretty standard, but the lot I work with are good 'uns. I miss them over the summer. Also, some of them won't be there when I get backnext year. :( They're going off to uni (Chloe, Emma, Niall) or graduating from uni and starting "real life" (Rosie, Esme, Laurie) or they've finished their interniships and are going home (Niek). It's going to be so strange without Niall, Niek and Rosie especially. I adore them. Other people from other departments that I know are going as well. Justin is going to Dubai, Laurens is the same as Niek and is going home, and Fiona is going to work in the Beverly Wiltshire in LA. It's going to be so strange. I passed my exams fine. I got about what I was expecting and enough to keep my grade the same. My mum said I sounded disappointed when I told her but disappointed isn't the right word, although I'm not sure what is. It was what I was expecting, not brilliant but certainly not bad either. So I'm on course for a solid 2i. Most of my close friends from school are either doing 4 year courses, medicine or took a year out so none of us are graduating this year, but loads of people who I did know from school are graduatiing. And that's insane. Some of my close friends up here are graduating and that's sad.I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. Busy week at work and then a week that possibly isn't so busy but will be taken up by packing up my house and cleaning it as well as it being graduation week so saying bye to friends. And then I leave on the Friday of that week and then the Saturday we're having my 21st birthday meal so some of my family (from my dad's side) I haven't seen in an age are coming up. I'm quite excited.I also got to see my other cousins from my mum's side the other week as they flew over for my grannie's 80th. That was so much fun. It's funny how well we all get on even though we hardly ever see each other. I love my family.From Monday I'll have a car! Which is exciting. Well, it'll be in my name, but I won't actually be able to drive it because it's at home and I'm here. Still, it means I can get to work easily next year. Especially as my lift is leaving. :(The one thing I'm really looking forward to next year is getting Charli back! I know I've talked to her more since she's been in Australia than I did when she lived in my house, but it'll be great to be able to do things together again. Like getting ready to go out together, complete with bottles of wine and silly music, or getting hyper before bouncing by eating entire tubs of Ben & Jerry's.I really should think about what I want to do for my dissertation, or rather start collecting article about what I'm thinking of doing my disseration on so I can start formulating questions. But I'm stalling. It's just too scary.
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	[24 Mar 2010|05:59pm]
[ **mood** | moody ] Saying I'm tired is easier than explaining that really I'm exhausted and unhapppy for no reason. I'm lonely with no good reason to be and don't know what to do about it because it mostly just feels like I'm whining with no real purpose and I feel I would be judged as such if I explained this to anyone. Nor do I have any idea who I would tell this to. The sad thing is feeling like this makes me feel more like being a hermit, rather than you know going out and actually interacting with people. Maybe I'm just meant to be self-contained or maybe I just don't have the confidence I'd like. Mostly I don't have the words sohiding behind a happy face or just being "tired" is the easiest thing.
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	[10 Mar 2010|08:03pm]
[ **mood** | nauseated ] I'm so looking forward to this weekend. I want to see my parents and I want my essay done.I feel crappy at the moment and all I want to do is go to bed. It's 10 to 8. I've felt kind of nauseous all day and it could be because I've not eaten much, but there's just nothing I want to eat. My work is just not happening. Getting an extension hasn't helped because now I'm just going to leave it till Sunday evening, which is really really stupid but pretty standard for me. I'm also going to get to about 1500 words and be like, ...so now what do I write? It's supposed to be 2500. ARGH! I'm so fed up of osmoregultion. I get it's important but I'm sure we've done something on it pretty much every year since 1st year, if not at A-level too.I finally wrote and typed something up for the first time in ages the other day. lovinthelads and lunar_art came up with keys_in_a_pot, which is awesome and basically just a porn fest. It's the first time in about 3 years I've written sex, although it did pretty much just end up as snuggling and with more people in it than it was supposed to. Ooops. I have other stuff half written but most of it just stops abruptly because I lost interest or motivation or was writing at a random time and something came up and then I could never get back into it. And part of me can't actually be bothered to type it up. I'm kind of lonely and exhausted and have no idea how, nor the willpower actually, to do something about it.
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Really, I'm just a coward.	[04 Jan 2010|05:12pm]
[ **mood** | excited ] I told Leni I was abstractedly terrfied of this evening. She asked why but it still holds true. It's hard to explain what I mean by abstractedly terrfied. The adbstractedly is the important word. It's like, if I'm excited it has to have a downside and the terrified is that. The fear of the unknown, that I'm going to make a fool of myself, that I'm not going to be liked, is what terrfies me and haunts me everytime I think I look good or want to have a good time while drinking.
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	[02 Jan 2010|11:36pm]
[ **mood** | cranky ] Apparently it snowed again. I didn't notice. Then again I haven't actually unlocked my front door and been outside, or even gotten dressed in the last two days. I hate exam time. I like learning and honestly enjoy being at uni the majority of the time however much I complain about having deadlines. But I really do not like exams. I think they're stupid and pointless and not indicative of how you'd do with that subject in the real world anyway. But unfortunately the majority of my grade rests on how I do in my exams, rather than how well I do in my continuous assessment. 66 bloody % of it. I have absolutely no motivation to revise and just over a week till my first exam. I've done 2 weeks worth of one module. Looking over past exam papers has just made me go "oh, I don't know that, I can't answer that, I'm not even going to try", but I know full well that I'd be utterly pissed off at myself if I don't. Stupid head. It still feels like I have tons of time till my first exam but it's really not. Also I don't find any of the stuff all that interesting. I'm so badly looking forward to the week after my exams when I'm at home. I know I'll miss work, or more specifically the lot at work, but since the end of July I've been home for possibly 3 weeks max in total. I miss it. It's the longest I've been away and for all uni is home and I enjoy living somewhere else, that is still really my home, and my family. I'm sure it'll be different when I actually have a family of my own but I'm a long way off from that point at the moment. I'm also excited about the week after that and going to see Lyzi. :D I like having things to look forward to, I just have to get through the next 3 weeks. I worked New Year's Eve, which was actually quite good fun. I adore most of the group of people I work with. It didn't really feel like New Year though, it just felt like another shift until it was after 12. Then it was proper fun. At about 12.30 we all had a drink in the back corridor and said Happy New Year and sat about having a chat for a while which was shiny. Then towards the end we ended up dancing out in the ballroom to YMCA and Bad Boys and another one that I don't remember but had us in a line swaying and then Margaux and Ewan waltzing. Fudge, Niall, Ewan and Watson were all in kilts, which was lovely too. They looked very dapper. It was nice to see the other Ewan again too, as he's back from uni.
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