NATALIE OF THE APES (original) (raw)
March 9th, 2004
11:16 pm - Warning! there will be a brief period of extremely vulgar posts ahead!
It seems I have a pair of seriously rabid right-wing trolls lurking on Livejournal. they seem to be in love with me. Maybe 
gwbush_is_god is looking for a date. Who the fuck knows. all I do know is I don't date livestock(sorry gwbush_is_god), I don't murder people of other countries because some big eared Republi-Retard says they have a knife behind their back, I don't rape the american constitution and call it "protecting our most sacred institution", I sure as hell don't believe that any level of comfort is worth giving up my freedom for. Finally, and most importantly:
I do not talk to, or wish to be "friended" by any right wing dipshit who enjoys harassing people just to feel more manly. If you're too "Log Cabin" to admit that you're just a Jim Queen looking to have a TS to worship it's simply not my problem. Might I suggest you pick up a copy of some Shemale stroke magazine and save me the trouble of knowing you exist.
After this entry my journal goes friends only until further notice.
Current Mood: 
enraged
Current Music: BOC: Godzilla
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March 8th, 2004
02:23 pm - Episode 1
I can't believe this. I get through writing an entry about this nuthouse not ten minutes ago and sure enough, the bathroom on my side of the 2nd floor floods. On examination by the Dogfather and I, we discover that the waterjets in the toilet (all of them) have been stuffed tight with toilet paper. Anyone see who did it?
Louis?
Dave?
Bueller?
Current Mood: goofy
Current Music: STP: Sex type thing
01:58 pm - Tales from the Brynmawr Season 2
Note to Fans: The Cast of the Brynmawr has been changed somewhat this season due to Contract Disputes, and the following characters have left the series.
Craig: (aka Cpt. Crackhead) The schizophrenic, delusional, obsessive compulsive, sometimes nudist who's quirks included but were not limited to: Arguing with the third floor tenants without leaving the second, Talking to people who left the room an hour ago, Threatening passing housepets, Dragging branches and twigs into the bathroom and washing them to use as decorations in his room (big branches) and leaving the crap he washed off in the tubdrain.
Mitch: (aka the Phantom Pisser) Also schizophrenic, heard voices coming from passers by and the occasional inanimate object. Often held conversations, or at least tried to with each, delusional, combative, with a marked obsession for body fluids and low grade pornography. Surprisingly adept Guitar player. Quirks included but are not limited to: talking to himself, knocking on tennants doors at all hours to beg for money or food, leaving bizarre or strangely considered gifts at people's doors such as half finished grooming aids, foreign coins and the occasional crystal. Having hours long rants on the back porch to whoever it was that talked to him last(usually in his comestained boxers), left the floor of his room covered in torn out pages from skin mags that had to be scraped off with a putty knife. Poor Chucky. Poor, poor Chucky. Most importantly, he managed to pee all over every bathroom, all three back porches and various parts of the cellar at least twice a month for the entire duration of his stay until he was finally caught and evicted. He even manged to peg the landlord's office door once.
Joe C. (aka Chef) The 400lb walking libido was a personal favorite and loved by all. Not insane, but played it very well when angered. He used to run a meal program for tenants that wanted to contribute a bit each month to the food fund. from what I hear a great cook. Most noteable achievement: Chasing (waddling really: he can only move so fast) Mitch around for two days with a club in his hand and tearing Mitch's bicycle literally to pieces. He caught Mitch the following day to much celebration. We actually watched that show from the back porch while refreshments were served (beer and a joint) by R. and the Dogfather, our landlord.
Farewell travellers. You shall be missed. Uh huh.
Here at Laughing Nimrod Productions we realize quality performances like these are going to be hard to live up to. but we intend to work harder than ever to bring you nothing but the best non-lethal(we hope) comic insanity fitchburg, MA can offer. In that spirit, we present to you:
Tales From the Brynmawr!( This seasons lineupCollapse )
Current Mood: 
silly
Current Music: Rolling Stones: Paint it Black
09:58 am - Monday AM
Snow?!? Did I sleep through summer or something? Yes I realize it's still the season but we've had only two significant snowfalls all winter. I felt a need to say it.
Current Mood: 
awake
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March 7th, 2004
07:15 pm - Yes, that IS cake in my lap, why do you ask?
It has been a goofy day. I've been bored and somewhat sad, It happens. After all there isn't much here to hold my interest. I couldn't get to a planning meeting for Beltane that I was supposed to get to today and that grieves me in a lot of ways. More on that some other time. My friend S. came over today and we talked of a lot of things. She's in a horrible state. I only wish I could've been more help than I was. We did get to some more pleasant diversions briefly, hence the title of this entry. As we were driving back from the store we stopped to pick up a newspaper, briefly talking to the locals as I went to the counter. Dullards. We were on the way home when we almost hit this moron that walked, or should I say tottered out between two vehicles. Sunday in Fitchburg. S. hit the brakes rather suddenly and then accelerated almost as fast and before I knew it I had a substantial piece of wedding cake (quite large in fact) fly off the dashboard and land upside down in my lap. Fortunately it didn't wreck my pants. In fact the frosting wasn't even messed up. Ok, time to go home.
One small problem. An hour after S. left I discovered that the item I went across town to buy was left in S.'s car. Like I said, a goofy day.
Current Mood: silly
March 6th, 2004
04:28 pm - WOOT!!! no... HOOT!!!
I saw something wonderful today. As I walked home from the local DeMoulas market I saw what I thought at first was a decoration. It was sitting on the roof of a lawyers office some four stories up. The wind was at my back at this point so I had to pull my hair out of my face to get a closer look. Then it turned its head and not only proved itself to be real, but it also showed me the white patch on it's throat and ear tufts that showed me what it was. A Great Horned Owl. Made my day when a drunk looked up (perhaps to discern what I was looking at) and said "'sa fucking eagle!". Not quite buddy. I suppose a bird with an average 55" wingspan may give that impression after a few hits of Mad Dog, but nope, just a very big, and incredibly beautiful owl. What I would do to see a ton more of those. It finally got sick of being stared at I guess and flew across the street and out of view.
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March 5th, 2004
12:15 am - Yep, run the *$(@$ away!
Mean lil fellow, arn't you? What Monty Python Character are you?
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Current Mood: 
hungry
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March 4th, 2004
09:16 pm - Feeling bitchy
I was pointed to a govt. site by darkroomman about funding (no matching capitol required) for:
"SPRANS Community-Based Abstinence Education Project Grants"
This site is sponsored by the Dept. of Faith Based and Community Initiatives.
These Sanctimonious fuckheads have spent 53 Million on promoting ignorance and they may get another 73 million this year. Kinda like spending 110 million taxpayer dollars to figure out if Monica swallowed or spat. Oh wait, we DID spend 110 million to find out if Monica swallowed or spat. Nevermind.
Anyway, here's the link if you're curious:
You'll go blind, Billy! Unca' George said so!
Does Abstinence education work? I bet Barbara Bush wishes it had. At least we know he's probably the last of that particular line of Republicanus Rex. Look at the two of them:
Laura Bush: 100% synthetic materials.
Lil Dubya: Thank god no one taught this redneck to fuck.
"Gee Daddy, What's this for?"
"Leave it alone boy, some things just weren't meant to be messed with."
Current Mood: 
bitchy
Current Music: Murderdolls: Dead in Hollywood
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March 3rd, 2004
08:58 pm - Braaaaaiinsss!
You are a random zombie.
Being undead is a fashion statement. You can steal
my brain anytime. Which Cool Evil Guy Are You?
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Current Mood: 
amused
Current Music: P.O.U.S.A.: George of the Jungle
March 2nd, 2004
10:22 am - Feeling a bit small
As most of you probably know already, I blew up at an old friend of mine a few days ago and ended the friendship. That still stands and I have no regrets. Why I stayed friends with her in the first place is a mystery. the part that concerns me here are the reactions I got when I blew up.
Just so everyone knows, I'm not upset with ANYONE here save maybe myself. And even there only a little bit. I'm just a tad embarassed. Yes, I do realize that I'm cared about. But consider this:
When I blew up in my LJ the other day only one person was noticeably concerned about what was wrong.
Row... What's up hun?
One other who didn't know me very well laced into me just a tad. (I did have it coming)
Well that's friendly...
One other asked me to hit the person for her too.
The rest? They just wondered if it I was pissed off at them and one other made a point of proving why it couldn't have been her.
Ok, like I said before I'm a bit embarassed about this. Why???
Like I said. I'm not at all upset here. I'm just having a small chuckle at my own expense...
Has my temper really become that legendary? Have I become the Dark Helmet of Nashua? *Everyone grabs their crotch when I walk into a room?*
Has it gotten to the point that a curious bystander looks for my bio in the dictionary... under Rabies?
Do people check their body for punctures after hugging me?
Has my disposition established me as a sideshow attraction of some sort?
"Ladies and Gentlemen! My I direct your attention to the exhibit center on the fairway where you will see some of the great wonders of the world. You'll see the Snakeman, the world's skinniest woman, The amazing Rubber boy and the Horror that IS the only man-eating Transsexual in captivity! She Rants, She screams, She doubles as field artillery!
Maybe I should tone down the Manson-Aura. Whaddya think, hmm?
Perhaps I should cultivate some of the more civilised influences I've had in the last few years.
Well, that goes without saying actually. But I suppose I should keep a balanced perspective regarding my temper, or distemper, depending on your point of view. After all, if nothing else can be said for my disposition at least my friends seem to be entertained. Well, most of them anyway.
Q: Does Natalie have an anger management problem?
A: Is Ex-Lax fatal to a politician? Of course she does!
I can only hope the majority of you won't hold it against me.
Current Mood: 
weird
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March 1st, 2004
07:33 am - Monday Am...
Time to pay the rent and all that horseshit. and go on the bill errands. Lot's and lots of walking today. Not too horrible. I'm liking the effect the walking is having on my legs. Not to mention that my arthritis isn't acting up anymore. My legs feel notably better. Anyway the weather is better and I'm feeling better. A fair outlook for the moment.
On a comic note, some of you are aware that I've spent much of the last week reading (inhaling may be a better word) the old Penny Dreadfuls. These are classic and not-so-classic stories written in serial form during the mid-late 1800's. the one's I'm working on now are The String of Pearls: an Unusual Gift which is the story Sweeney Todd is based upon, and Varney the Vampire or a Feast of Blood. I'm taking the time to recommend it a second time for a specific reason which cannot be made apparent unless you're reading it. It's a good, campy vampire story with lot's of depth, but there is something else there to capture the reader's attention. The characterizations in the story are absolutely hilarious. Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle almost make a story in themselves. As I read the Chapters that introduced them last week I couldn't shake a rather disturbing image that kept creeping back into my head...
"Dracula versus Popeye the Sailor; and his pal Bluto too, hold the Olive Oyl. They haven't let up since they appeared. As I said before, fantastic stuff.
Current Mood: awake
February 29th, 2004
08:55 pm - Sunday
More of the same. I'm still irritated but I had some air today and I've gotten some excercise. Teensey blister on the old footsie and I'm still not sleeping so good. What the hell, It's not all bad news. More details later.
I am 91% Evil Genius
I am pure evil. I lie awake at night devising schemes of world domination, and I will not rest until all living souls bend to my will.
Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com
Current Mood: 
complacent
February 28th, 2004
03:52 pm - You Win
And here's what you've won:
Seeing that you have no concept of the difference between communication and condescention, and you obviously have no concept of how to relate to others of your species, and most importantly seeing that you are too socially retarded to realize how much of an unmitigated fuckhead you've been to me over the years, you are cordially invited to suck my withered dick until your lips bleed. We are no longer friends. You can bank on that.
Current Mood: 
frustrated
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02:57 pm - Saturday
Went for a really long walk. Not much to report other than that. Someone talk to me PLEEEEEEEEAAASE? I's a being muy muy bored.
I found the Icon on a zip disk I was keeping old photos on. Seeing autumnreign's Southpark icon reminded me I had two of them onhand and digging them out actually gave me something to do for a few minutes. So who am I to complain?
Current Mood: 
bored
Current Music: Bush: Everything's Zen
February 27th, 2004
09:26 am - I'm too tired to be a Lady of Darkness.
Darkness? Either you've entirely given up on
happiness, or you are committed to seeking it
in the numb silence of darkness. Chances are,
you're a depressed cynic who is sensitive
underneath that dark exterior. Just make sure
to keep up some form of self-expression to
balance yourself out and keep yourself from
doing something you might regret. I wish you
luck. I would also appreciate it if you would
rate my test. How do you seek fulfillment in life? (for girls) [with pics I found]
brought to you by QuizillaHow about I be a Lady of Snoredness instead. *Yawn*
Current Mood: 
exhausted
Current Music: Incubus: Megalomaniac
February 26th, 2004
10:28 pm - More thursday shit Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.
Five ways to make a really bad impression:
Urinating upstream from a tent revival during a mass baptism.
Casting a drag queen to play Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar.
Bribing a reporter to refer to Lil Dubya as "Mein Fuhrer" or "Your Imperial Majesty" during a State of the Union Address.
Emptying an entire box of Ex-lax into the coffee urn at work the day you get laid off.
Farting loudly in church just after the recitation of the lords prayer.
Current Mood: 
devious
07:04 pm
Ganked from dragonbait.
You know you are from Massachusetts if ....
You think crosswalks are for wimps
Khakis are something you start the car with
You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds
Anything past Worcester is "the middle of nowhere"
You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonalds actually speak English.
You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is
touching the car in front of you
You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....
......And that a red light means 2 more can.
A Crown Victoria = undercover cop
You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house.
There are 24 Dunkin Donuts Shops within 15 minutes of your house.
When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino," you know
exactly what they are talking about, and you believe in it, too.
You think of Rhode Island as the "deep South"
You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy
If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 or more different names
All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience
Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it
Six inches of snow is considered a "dusting"
Three days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave"..... and 63
degree weather is "on the warm side".
$15 to park is a bargain.
You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the
"Boston accent" on TV or in a movie. If you don't have it, you're never going to get it right....even if your were born here.
You can go from one side of your hometown to the other in less
than 15 minutes and see at least 15 losers you graduated with doing the same exact same thing they were doing the last time you saw them.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Edgar Winter: Alta Mira
05:01 pm - Thursday I adopted a cute lil' death fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
Not much happening today. Just sitting here a bit under the weather and groggy. I'm also cold, although I shouldn't be indoors. It's not that cold outside either.
Current Mood: bored
February 25th, 2004
08:51 pm - Sweeeeeeeet
My friend J. has just mailed off a manuscript. It's nice to know someone's getting some work done.
Current Mood: cheerful
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06:48 pm - Oh well, Carpe' Jugulum...
Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary. Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
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Well, I'm not exactly a Star Wars geek.
Current Mood: amused