An Autobiography In The Works (original) (raw)
My Life: An Autobiography In The Works [Most Recent Entries][Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded inK's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, April 8th, 2013 | |
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| 11:41 pm | A Quote from the Premiere Episode of Mad Men last night... It felt VERY Familiar "What are the events in life? Like, you see a door. The first time you come to it, you say, ‘Oh, what’s on the other side of the door?’ Then you open a few doors and then you say, ‘I think I want to go over a bridge this time. I’m tired of doors.’ Finally you go through one of these things, and you come out the other side, and you realize that’s all there are: doors! And windows and bridges and gates. And they all open the same way. And they all close behind you. Look, life is supposed to be a path, and you go along, and these things happen to you, and they’re supposed to change your direction, but it turns out that’s not true. Turns out the experiences are nothing. They’re just pennies you pick up off the floor, stick in your pocket, and you’re just going in a straight line to you-know-where.” Current Mood:  blank (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, October 14th, 2012 | |
| 8:06 pm | Spent the morning in the ER after another sleepless night. The ER doc was the same as Friday, which made things a bit easier. He was able to cut into it this time and remove about 3 tablespoons of fluid. he also inserted a drain so it will continue to do so. kinda gross but the pain is now from the incision and such rather than from pressure, which gives me a bit more mobility. I go to the surgeon tomorrow to find out whether I have to heal and be asymptomatic before the surgery or if they can do it now. Doing so means approx. 8 days of healing time, so it'd be better to just be done with it now, especially since I have no job, but my body's also in need of a break, so I'm not sure how it'll go.However, one of my oldest friends since childhood, Dan came over today. I thought he was just coming to visit and play with the oh-so-neglected puppy (whom I've been unable to play with this week) but he showed up with grocery bags of healthy food and then drove me to the store to get medication and the supplies necessary for this draining process stuff. It was such a sweet gesture, it'll keep me going for a while. I've been so down lately due to the combo of pain/lack of sleep/no one around and this was such an unexpected lift. Current Mood:  grateful (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Monday, June 11th, 2012 | |
| 2:04 am | I miss him. Just lain down to go to sleep and caught a glimpse of my Nikko blanket. Was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness, burst into tears, and got back up... sometimes it still knocks the wind out of me with just how much I miss my Nikko. Even typing this has me crying. Current Mood:  forever heart broken (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 18th, 2011 | |
| 8:10 pm | A Thought... For a bit now, I've been looking for strength. I've sought it in the arms of the friends around me, leaned on their shoulders, bent their ears. I've wondered whether I'd ever find it, if I'd ever feel less weak. I wonder though, if it isn't too close to my face for me to see it clearly. Perhaps the real strength comes either from realizing I needed to seek, in trusting those dearest not to drop me, or in reaching a point in my life where I was able to make the request at all. I don't know what makes a person strong or weak, what causes them to grow or to regress, what leads them to find happiness or to retreat into darker times. I don't claim to have such knowledge, in fact, I adamantly deny having anything remotely resembling an answer to these open-ended questions. However, I must admit that there is something wonderful about the juxtaposition between the weight of the world bearing down and the brawn of loved ones bridging the distance between what is and what will be. Current Mood:  contemplative (Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 | |
| 4:36 pm | Rent Star Wilson Jermaine Heredia Will Join Broadway's La Cage aux Folles Rent Star Wilson Jermaine Heredia Will Join Broadway's La Cage aux Folles excited (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, October 20th, 2010 | |
| 7:19 pm | Spirit Day 2010 EditSpirit Day 10/20/10by Kryss Shane on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 5:26pmToday is Spirit Day, a day to wear purple in support of those in the LGBTQ community who are and who have been bullied for being who they are. Purple was chosen because, in the Pride flag, purple represents spirit. As a female who was born heterosexual and in a body that matches her gender orientation, people often ask me why I care so much. "It doesn't make sense to spend so much time and energy fighting for something that doesn't effect you," they tell me. But it DOES effect me. I am a person with gay family members. I am a person with gay and trans friends. I am a person who has worked with questioning youth. I am a person who may sing her karaoke song following a bisexual person's number. I am a person who lives a community with neighbors who are lesbians. I am a person who resides in a state where same sex marriage is illegal. I am a person who grew up in a state where a person can be fired at any time for being LGBT. I am a person who is a citizen of a country where people are killed by first and secondhand bigotry. I am a person who is a human being, truly equal to anyone and everyone else, truly deserving of all of the same rights, no more, no fewer. Does being a female who is gender and orientation normative alter my abilities to believe in equality? No. But it -does- make me able to be a voice to help others understand that this isn't "their" problem or "their" fight. It is mine. It is yours. It is ours. So on 10/20/10 -and every single day- I support those in need of a shoulder and I stand with those who recognize that we are always stronger when we work together, that hate is never the answer, and that love will always win. Current Mood:  loving (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, July 7th, 2010 | |
| 8:42 pm | OBC/Film RENT's Wilson Jermaine Heredia Returns to Stage |
| Friday, June 25th, 2010 | |
| 1:37 pm | Rent/Flawless/SVU Actor Wilson Jermaine Heredia Returns to Stage Rent Tony Winner Wilson Jermaine Heredia Cast in New Comedy Tales from the Tunnel ecstatic (Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 | |
| 11:14 pm | What An Incredible Thing To Be Told One of the kindest people I know (whom I met in the freshmen dorm many many moons ago) just said this to me, completely out of the blue:you are an incredible person and you make everyone you come into contact with feel special and loved. It's unique to meet people like you in the world that we live in. I truly feel blessed to have you as a friendCurrent Mood: grateful (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 19th, 2010 | |
| 11:12 pm | A Thought or Two As much as we see ourselves from the inside out, we have to realize that our vision is clouded with the words of others. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside who takes the time to look in to help us see both our own strength and our own light. They say it's tough to see the forest through the trees or that you can't tell the hurricane when you're in the eye of the storm, yet we as people find ourselves struggling so frequently to accept the positivity that others see in us, holding strong to the negative strings that have pulled and manipulated us over the years. Perhaps though, we can most free ourselves by not only accepting the goodness that others see in us but also by exceeding the expectations of those who see our potential.I can't claim to be anything I'm not, but I know I'm a good judge of character. That said, how could I ever believe that yet disbelieve it when those I've chosen speak of me so positively? Even if I am accepting of the disservice I do myself when I ignore their kind words, am I comfortable with insulting them each time I deny their truth, their opinion, their belief of me? Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this) |
| Monday, April 5th, 2010 | |
| 12:15 am | Lines How do we know where the lines are in life? Most children are initially taught in a very black and white way; either yes or no. Yes, you may cross the street holding a grown-up's hand, no you may not cross alone. No, you may not have a cookie, yes you may have some salad. No you may not hit someone, yes you should share your toys. Easy. As middle and high school came, and even early college, most choices' grey areas were more based on either preference (do I wear the blue top or the green one?) or morals (do I cheat if my boyfriend won't catch me or do I remain faithful?). And then the rest of the world stepped in.Now the choices are about things like when is the right time to move in with your boyfriend? how far is too far away to live from loved ones? Lately, I've been particularly interested in the line between wisely planning ahead/preparing for the next stage vs. living in the moment and letting whatever happens happen. It's been said before that I'm not very good at lounging back and just enjoying what is, that I am too focused on asking, "what's next?" I suppose some of that comes from the desire to prepare myself for whatever good/bad is coming, but also in the recognition that success takes preparation, planning, and effort. While I believe that the Universe is trustworthy and that sometimes the lesson is in not having all of the answers and in not knowing what to expect, I also believe in setting goals and working to achieve them. So where's the line? Where is the line when I should sit back, relax, and simply be grateful for what I have, letting the future hold what it will? Where is the line when sitting back gives others the opportunity to take what I want or worse, giving others the impression that I am less than motivated or serious about my goals? Where are the lines in relationships when you should appreciate what you have vs. when you should cut your losses? Where are the lines in the future between enjoying the short time you have in a location/school/university vs. preparing for the next location? And perhaps more importantly, do we ever get to know where the lines are before we cross them? Current Mood: uncertain (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, March 21st, 2010 | |
| 1:37 pm | Well What Do Ya Know... A Public Post! So those of you in the know have apparently discovered that I've been writing a lot here lately and keeping it hidden, which is something very uncommon among the 10 years I've been writing here. I know that some of you have been following me for many (or even all) of the past decade, so please allow me to explain my secrecy so that you don't take it personally that there are now some things I'm not as open about.My life for the past while has become increasingly filled with amazing people who happen to have public careers and, out of respect for them and for our privacy, I have been keeping more of my life private, though I don't want to not document my experiences. It's funny, really, that I have to do so, as I truly forget that others who don't know them might care or repeat some of the events or jokes or whatnot that goes on. For me, they're just people, people who get on my nerves, who make me laugh, who get pizza with me at crazy hours, who are far too far away when they go on tour, whom I love and cherish. But as I said, I know the way the internet works, hence the requirement of private posts. Now that that's out of the way, I suppose I should update you all... though I fear sounding quite boring! These days, I remain focused on the requirements of school; the reading, paper writing, test taking, interning, etc. that comes with the territory. I have a countdown of how many days until I am finished, though I try to live in the now rather than focusing only on the next stages of life. I travel to NYC as often as possible, both because I miss the city and because there is a fellow there whom I am quite fond of. (Yes, the same one since August, for those who were wondering.) I suppose that's another reason to keep more writing private these days; after a decade with some of you (here and/or in real life), I think I'd bore you with the romantic posts and worry posts that come with the usual ups and downs of getting to know and care for someone. Otherwise, I am working to begin job searching, considering what area in which I want to live when I finish school (I plan to return to NYC), and am trying to remind myself to enjoy the weather and experiences where I am while I am here.So that's that... :) Current Mood:  melodic (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, January 23rd, 2010 | |
| 10:02 pm | A Public Entry, For A Change Sorry to those of you who read here often, whomever you are... I know I haven't been writing posts that you've been able to see as often as I used to.Mostly, the private posts have been about my getting acclimated to a new city, family, school, and lifestyle, about missing those I've parted from while I complete this degree, and about a boy I care deeply for.I've spent a decade on this journal, literally 10 years, and it's been rare that I've hidden anything I've written from the eyes of anyone who cared enough to seek me out, to read my thoughts, and to remember them for more than a moment after navigating to another page. I've been a big believer in not hiding, and a realist in doubting there was anyone reading to hide from. But in this case, especially with this boy, things are in a place where I can't yet spill my guts and allow him to fully understand how deeply I care for him. I hope someday they will be, but for now, the words and emotions go into the journal rather than into his ears. It is for that reason that I've been hiding posts; because those are words for him and because I believe that they are sacred between us, even if he doesn't yet know them. I hope you'll understand and forgive my apparent absence here.As for other areas of life, I am re-acclimating to being a student and to the amount of work, stress, planning, and paper writing that requires. I am beginning to get more used to my surroundings here, and I am in the early stages of preparing to email my resume around to begin seeking work to begin in September. More than anything else though, I am continuously amazed and grateful to discover my friends' ability to continue to make themselves present in my life, to email or write or text or call or visit or send carrier pigeons or whatever else they're able to help me to not feel like I've left them behind when coming here to finish this degree and for that, I am so incredibly appreciative. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this) |
| Monday, January 11th, 2010 | |
| 10:59 pm | Well it appears I'm over "the hump" of missing him... I haven't heard a word from him by text since 6am yesterday or by call since 4am yesterday, which means almost 48 hrs since anything from him. And I'm okay. I told Cara earlier that he's either really busy or is spooked and hiding, or perhaps some of both. Although I hate that he is still in a space where he can be spooked, I remember that he told me that it's about him trusting himself, not about him not believing he can trust me, so I'm not taking it personally as much as possible. For now, I just continue with what I need to do and trust that he'll reappear when he's ready. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this) |
| Monday, October 19th, 2009 | |
| 5:46 pm | Life Themes spending today relaxing, regrouping, and allowing my mind to wander as it deals with its issues so I may be free to move on in the week without feeling rundown. I'm thinking a lot about 2 quotes..."just because someone didn't love you the way you needed doesn't mean they didn't love you the best they could." "we accept the love we think we deserve." maybe those have become my life themes or perhaps just lessons I keep revisiting as they aren't as well learned as the Universe believes they should be. as often as so many could solve life's problems if they looked inside themselves and recognized they were causing the problem in the first place, perhaps some are too quick to look inside and take on too much blame for things beyond their control. I don't always know which side of that I'm on, but I do know that I'm always the one who tries, who fights for it, who takes the risks and walks away with a bruised ego and a broken heart. I also know though that I love that about myself. I love that I will always step up, will always put in the effort, will always battle to protect what is precious to me. I refuse to let life or anyone make me jaded or make me too afraid to try. I hear them saying you'll never change things, and no matter what you do it's still the same thingit's not the world that I am changing, I do this so this world will know that it will not change me.Current Mood:  determined (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 | |
| 1:24 am | Without You So exhausted, but there is pressure within from words needing to come out, so here I am.I went tonight to see Anthony's show, based on his autobiography, "Without You." (sidenote, I read this book when it first premiered and journaled on it then as it was really an excellent read and personally touched a nerve.)The show was so moving and hearing him speak of loss and of being angry and grieving from those losses made it very tough to hold back tears... or rather to keep from openly weeping as I don't deny a few drops fell. Listening to him speak of the long loss of his mother to cancer made me both empathize with his feelings tied to losing a loved one and angry in the jealousy that he got that time to come to some semblance of terms and to say goodbye. It's almost what should be Jason's 27th birthday. Almost what should be a day to celebrate, to send a card and a silly gift, to make a phone call. Almost another opportunity for me to gather with my family and honor the birth of someone who knew me before I knew myself. Almost. Maybe it's just today, maybe it's due to the mixture of lacking sleep and in the performance seen, but I feel angry today. I don't get there very often these days, mostly I live in the land of acceptance with an occasional visit to sad, but today I feel the bitterness creep in. I want answers I can't have about why and why him, I want time I can't get to soak him in a while longer, and I want more memories I can't make of happy times shared. I feel so slighted sometimes, so ripped off by the Universe. I see the bigger picture and I recognize how many positive things have changed within me and within my life's path because of the impact of this loss, but sometimes I wish I could just trade it all to have what I never thought I'd lose so soon. (Comment on this) |
| Monday, September 28th, 2009 | |
| 12:01 am | Now What? How do you know which way things will go? I'm trying to figure out if this is a temporary roadblock, seen only by me, or if it's the sign that says "detour" or maybe one that says "road closed." I have no clue at this point and, desperate as I am to find out so I know how to proceed, it seems I don't get to have the answers as quickly as I wish. So for now, I proceed with caution, I ask my friends for their advice on whether to keep driving, and I hope to gain some clarity before my vehicle travels into too big a pothole to get itself out of... if there's a pothole at all. Current Mood:  confused (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, September 20th, 2009 | |
| 1:58 am | I don't understand this at all...the more I think back over the past 6 weeks or so, the more times I recall him bringing up plans for the distant future and the more I question how he could blame me for pushing things too fast. he asked if I thought it'd end if I didn't push him along and I answered only that I hadn't been intentionally pushing, but now, with no initiation from me, there is only silence.I feel the disconnect beginning to happen...it started with my not buying more of the drink he likes, suddenly lacking the desire to keep his favorites stocked in my apartment. then I began to put away his belongings, to hide the footprints he's left that remind me he has been here. tonight I started to download some of the old heartbreak songs I loved so much in high school, trying to find lyrics that felt fitting. he has a very small window that's narrowing by the hour...it takes a lot for me to reopen something once it has begun to shut and is even more difficult to even consider opening it at all if it has closed completely, yet that's what he's walking towards. or perhaps he is walking the other direction now and I simply do not know it yet. maybe, while I sit here typing about how tough it'll be to compensate for the damage he's doing by speaking volumes by his silence, he is taking more steps away from where I am, with no desire to return, let alone to work for forgiveness.at this moment, what do I know? Current Mood:  exhausted (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, September 12th, 2009 | |
| 3:28 pm | The Sum of All Parts Is Greater Than Any Individual Part I love the way that my piscean sign makes me so much a two-sided coin...On one side, I am completely independent; school, interning, multiple jobs, my dog, friends, bills paid, life being lived. No need for excess, no desire to put myself out into the dating world, no real longing for a romantic relationship.And then it fell into my lap.On the other side, I am so thoroughly enjoying being half of a something; getting to experience life with someone, knowing him, letting him get to know me, relishing falling asleep next to him, planning my day while incorporating his schedule into it, missing him when he's gone...I also find myself working on the independent parts of me as I know how they may impact the relationships I have. I'm bettering myself in ways I may not have focused so much on right now. I am also never compromising what is important to me, never taking my eyes from my priorities, never wavering from my own goals. I feel myself getting wrapped up, but in a really healthy way, in a way that allows me to a better version of myself, in a way that allows me to add to my life. That in and of itself is almost as amazing as the relationship itself... (Comment on this) |
| Monday, August 31st, 2009 | |
| 11:03 am | This was told to me this morning... MollyI just wanted to say- You have no idea how much your friendship means. I know that we haven't got to spend time together...but I really cherish you. YOu always seem to know when I need someone to pick me up. I will be having a horrible day, and then I receive one of your "hugs" texts. You are an amazing person. I wish more people had the heart that you do. (Comment on this) |
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