   28 March 1999 - late eveningThis is becoming disturbing.I dream about Sirius almost every night now. Sometimes he's walking towards me slowly, a dazed expression on his face. Sometimes he's running in another direction entirely, and when I call out to him he pauses, as though he can almost hear me. Then there are the ones were he is looking right at me, this heartbreaking expression on his face, and he will reach out a hand and say "Moony", as though he can't believe I'm there. And all around us is grey, and cold, and NOTHING, and I wake up feeling utterly empty and hopeless.What in the world is wrong with me? Severus and I are alive, and despite the looming conflict we are happy together. Why am I dreaming about Sirius now, especially dreams more persistent and vivid than the ones I had right after he died?It must be guilt. I must be feeling as though, by being with Severus, I am betraying him. But... I *don't* feel that way. Sirius was my friend, my lover, but not my mate. Perhaps I feel guilty for living on after him, then? I'm not certain, all I know is that I wake up cold and shaking and I cling to Severus for dear life and pray that he doesn't wake up and ask me what is wrong.I can't tell him. I just can't. Sirius' name is never spoken between us. I know he hangs there like a shadow, but neither one of us is willing to delve into that pit. Not after everything we have been through, not after we nearly died. I'll just have to keep working myself to exhaustion and pray that I don't do something stupid, like call out for Sirius in my sleep the way I call out for him in my dreams.That, I know for a fact, Severus would never forgive.Full moon tomorrow, my third without the wolfsbane. I wonder if Moony will dream of Padfoot the way that I have dreamed of Sirius... and if he does, if I will even remember. |
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