Howling at the Moon (original) (raw)

(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2004|05:26 am]Moony
June 2, 1999 - Late eveningI don't even know where to begin.Sirius is gone, stormed out in a fury after finding out about my relationship with Severus. Really, I expected it, I had prepared myself for the worst. I knew he wasn't going to like it - how could he, really? I was *his* lover for a year, his best friend since childhood, and he hates Severus with a passion.It still hurts.I'm worried about him, but Merlin knows that my concern is the last thing he cares about right now. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to give him time to settle down, to accept things, to forgive me... and part wants to grab him and shake him and ask him how he can dare to judge me and my actions, when I'm supposed to unquestioningly accept his. But that would be counterproductive, I know.Well.I saw Hannah, she's looking wonderful as usual. I hope that she gets over her mistrust of Severus and comes HOME. But she has to find her way back to him, I can't push it. Trust must be earned, it cannot be commanded.And, in the meantime, I wonder what is up with our opposition. They have been very quiet since the escape, my encounter with Bellatrix aside. They must be planning something... and whatever it is, I'm sure we aren't going to like it one bit.
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2004|07:01 am]Moony
2 May 1999 - EveningI have had life throw a great many unexpected things at me before. Some good, some bad, some just plain odd... but I have to say that off all the strange things that have ever happened to me, walking into Minerva's office and seeing Sirius - alive, well, and so very THERE - has got to be the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to me.Even all the dreams I have been having about him lately, the ones where he was reaching out to me, where he was so obviously lost and looking for a way out, even those couldn't prepare me for the reality of his return, of seeing him there in the flesh as though no time at all had passed since that cursed day in the Department of Mysteries that changed my life forever. Dreams don't fully impart the reality of it, can't prepare you for having the utterly impossible happen. I am happy that he is back. Overjoyed, that he has returned again, despite the odds. I'm amazed and glad and shocked and utterly thrilled. I'm terrified out of my mind.Six months ago, I know what my reaction would have been, I know, without a doubt, what I would have done. Even if Bill and I had been in a relationship, I would have ended it all for Sirius, would have welcomed him back into my life and my bed and known utterly and completely what to do, because I know Sirius, almost as well as I know myself. I love him. Six months ago, I was still in love with him, or at least with the memory of him, with the ghost of the boy and the man who has whirled into and out of my life like a storm more times than is decent. It was familiar, it was safe, spending three long years being in love with a man who was dead. Sleeping every night with his ghost.He's not dead. And I'm not in love with him. Not anymore.I do love him, though. How can I not? This is Sirius. Padfoot. We've been through hell and more together, hurt each other and forgiven each other and been there for each other through things that would have destroyed other people. We've destroyed each other, and then rebuilt each other, shared our hopes and dreams and nightmares and fears, shared our bodies in pleasure and in pain. And now he's back. And to him, nothing has changed. For me, though... everything has changed.How do I tell him? I would rather hurt myself than have to hurt him. After all that he has been through, all that he has suffered, everything that he has been denied in his life, how can I hurt him more? Three years ago, we both thought that was over, than we would give each other everything that we needed. And now I can't. Now I am the one who has to deny him. How bitter of an irony is that? I don't want to lose him again, not when he's only just found his way back.Then there is Severus. Severus, my mate. Severus, the man I love, with whom I am in love, who not only replaced Sirius in my heart, but who shares a piece of it that Sirius never did. The only piece, the one part of myself that I had given to no one, not even Sirius, I gave to Severus. Severus, who loves me, who hurt me in a way that nearly destroyed me. Who also nearly died. Who is, in ways he can't even imagine, very much like Sirius. Severus, who hates Sirius with every bit of the same passion with which he loves me.Is it any wonder I'm frightened? Sirius doesn't know, and he's going to hate me for it. Severus doesn't know, and the healing after our breakup is still too raw, too new. I don't know if he trusts me yet, not fully. And I can't survive another round of it. Losing Severus again would kill me.But, deep inside, I'm terrified I'm going to do or say something wrong... and in the end, I'll wind up losing them both.
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(no subject) [Apr. 23rd, 2004|01:37 am]Moony
I am back where I belong.Thank Merlin. It was terrible, and it was painful, but... I suppose it was inevitable. This is what comes from not confronting issues, from letting them fester in darkness and denial. What an awful way to get to this point, but... necessary, I think. Almost fatal, to be sure, but necessary.I don't know what spirits of fate I have to thank, but I do thank them that it finally turned out well. And please, if I may make one small request... never put me through anything like that again.
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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2004|02:10 am]Moony
April 4, 1999 - late nightToo much, it's all too much for me to take in. The killing, the men I killed, death thick in the air around me. And Severus...I can't think about it. Thankfully, I'm not *dreaming* about it, although I still don't understand why I'm dreaming about Sirius again. And this time he was facing me, but he didn't seem to see me. He kept looking past me, almost through me, with an expression of intense concentration on his face. He looked... exactly as he did before he died. I could see every detail, down to the stubble on his chin, and the frown lines at the corner of his eyes. He was so close, so real I swear to Merlin I thought I could feel the heat of his body, that I could reach out and touch him. I even thought I could smell him, that distinct scent that is only Padfoot, the scent that haunted me for so long after he died. It clung to the sheets of our bed and to his pillow and...NO. Now is not the time to think of this, to think of that, or of him.I need sleep. I need Severus. But whether we will ever be together again... well, that's something I really don't know.
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2004|09:30 am]Moony
2 April 1999 - Early morningTwo days. I never thought that two days could be so long.I've tried everything. I have sent everything I can and more, I have reached out, I have begged and pleaded and I have gotten nothing in return. It's like a nightmare from which I can't awaken, even though I haven't slept the entire time. I've poured out my soul until there is nothing left, and still I keep trying.And Severus won't listen. He refuses to feel what I am sending him. He refuses to listen.He refuses to care. Or to allow himself to care.I will keep trying, because what else can I do? He may be able to live without me, but I can't live without him. The wolf can't live without him, and I don't want to live without him. Unfortunately, the choice is in his hands.There is an Order meeting tonight, or so said an owl I received from Minerva. Not Severus, but Minerva, as though he can't bear to even bring himself to give in to the extent of sending me a missive purely for business. I will go. Perhaps, just perhaps being in the same room will soften his attitude. If I could only touch him, force him to acknowledge what he share, I could break down the wall he is trying to erect between us. A wall of jealousy and injured pride. I suppose that shows how much he truly cares for me. I suppose I should have expected it. Even if he loved me, even if he wanted to be with me, he hates Sirius even more.And now I am jealous. How ironic is that?
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2004|08:20 am]Moony
28 March 1999 - late eveningThis is becoming disturbing.I dream about Sirius almost every night now. Sometimes he's walking towards me slowly, a dazed expression on his face. Sometimes he's running in another direction entirely, and when I call out to him he pauses, as though he can almost hear me. Then there are the ones were he is looking right at me, this heartbreaking expression on his face, and he will reach out a hand and say "Moony", as though he can't believe I'm there. And all around us is grey, and cold, and NOTHING, and I wake up feeling utterly empty and hopeless.What in the world is wrong with me? Severus and I are alive, and despite the looming conflict we are happy together. Why am I dreaming about Sirius now, especially dreams more persistent and vivid than the ones I had right after he died?It must be guilt. I must be feeling as though, by being with Severus, I am betraying him. But... I *don't* feel that way. Sirius was my friend, my lover, but not my mate. Perhaps I feel guilty for living on after him, then? I'm not certain, all I know is that I wake up cold and shaking and I cling to Severus for dear life and pray that he doesn't wake up and ask me what is wrong.I can't tell him. I just can't. Sirius' name is never spoken between us. I know he hangs there like a shadow, but neither one of us is willing to delve into that pit. Not after everything we have been through, not after we nearly died. I'll just have to keep working myself to exhaustion and pray that I don't do something stupid, like call out for Sirius in my sleep the way I call out for him in my dreams.That, I know for a fact, Severus would never forgive.Full moon tomorrow, my third without the wolfsbane. I wonder if Moony will dream of Padfoot the way that I have dreamed of Sirius... and if he does, if I will even remember.
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(no subject) [Feb. 24th, 2004|05:36 am]Moony
22 February 1999 - Middle of the nightI just woke up from a dream that I don't understand. And what bothers me isn't that it was bad - it was more dream than nightmare - but the odd feeling that, somehow, it wasn't me I was dreaming. Normally I would brush it off - I've never been one for divination or such nonsense - but... I can't describe it. This was just... different.Everything was grey around me, a uniform, monotonous color that was disorienting, because finding "up" and "down" was difficult. It felt cold, and it smelled of nothing. Bizarre to think of something smelling like nothing, perhaps, but as a werewolf, smell is important to me. Everything and everyone has a scent for me, it's almost as distinctive as sight. I can identify people and places with my eyes closed, just based on there smell, and I even scent things in my dreams. And this place was the olfactory equivalent of having no light or no sound. It smelled empty. Like loneliness.I know that I was searching for something. It felt like a warmth, in the midst of all that cold, grey space. I would turn, walking, feeling a pull towards the warmth, then begin to run, desperate to locate it. Then it would fade, and I would turn again, seeking the elusive pull. Again I would find it, and follow, and lose it... over and over. I wasn't afraid, but it was frustrating and confusing. And, more than that, there was this almost desperate sense of urgency, like I had to hurry. That if I didn't trace that warmth back to its source, then the cold grey nothing would swallow me whole, and I would become the same. Empty nothingness.I'm not certain what woke me. Perhaps it was the desperation, as it grew to border on panic. Or perhaps Severus moved restlessly beside me and pulled me out of it. I'm glad, no matter what woke me, because it was truly an awful feeling, one I would not care to experience again.I think if loneliness were a physical place, that grey nothing is the place that it would be.
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(no subject) [Jan. 30th, 2004|10:12 am]Moony
So much has happened, so much has changed.Bill and I went our separate ways. I wasn't quite certain why at the time, but now I know what triggered it, and why I just could not return the depth of feeling that Bill was offering to me.It was because of Severus. And he is now my mate.Painful to realize that I won't ever remember our bonding, and yet I really cannot regret even that. I never knew how unbelievably complete it would make me feel. It cannot even be described in terms that I can put into words that would be adequate. And I understand why werewolves I have spoken to, when asked about the bond, just shake their heads and say "We are mates," as though that explains everything. It does, or it comes as close as anything can.I loved Sirius. But I belong to Severus. And, as hard as it is for me to admit, I wouldn't change that. Not for anything in the universe would I change it.Even if the unthinkable happens, if the cure isn't found, and if we both die. Even if the next little while is to be all that I have left, I would not trade this span of days or weeks with Severus for the longest life on earth without him. Strange, I suppose, that my dearest wish in the universe was granted by the person I always thought hated me most. The person I love more than anyone or anything else.I will never be alone again. And neither will he.
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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2004|06:55 am]Moony
January 11, 1999 - Late EveningThey have escaped. And the Order is reborn.I can't add too much about that here. It isn't safe, after all, to keep notes about military matters in a personal journal. I won't do it, because it is too risky. Suffice it to say that life has suddenly gotten far more complicated, and potentially far more unpleasant. But we will deal with it, and in the end, we will stop it. Once and for all.But there is something I need to try to put into words, if just so that I can try to figure out what it is that in bothering me so. What it is about Severus, specifically, that is causing him to be at the forefront of my thoughts far more often than he should be.I touched him, and he permitted it. I eased his pain... but now I am confused.Not that Severus had much choice but to allow me to do it. He was hardly in a position to fight me, after all. And Merlin knows I'm glad I was able to give him some relief from his agony, but... I don't understand why it is affecting me the way that it is. Of course, I am concerned about him. I freely admit that I don't want him to die, and I don't want him to suffer, either. He is now a friend, someone I trust. I have always respected his ability, and I believe we have finally started understanding each other. I feel a sense of almost comradery with him, something I haven't felt in all the years since I lost the Marauders. A kinship I haven't felt, even with Bill. Something I haven't had since I lost Sirius. An acceptance of my darkness, an acceptance that isn't blurred by affection for me, the man. An acceptance of all that I have done, even of all that the wolf has done.Is that why I suddenly feel comfortable around him? Is that why I am being... drawn to him? Physically drawn to him? I've tried to ignore it, but I can't lie. I look for excuses to touch him. I find myself wanting to do it, to reach out and connect with him. Am I really so starved for acceptance? And what am I risking? Certainly at some point he will turn at snap at me to keep away from him, to stop pawing at him, and then.. what? Are we back to square one? And what in the world is it that I am trying to get out of him, anyway?I am afraid this is just another manifestation of the wolf coming out. Merlin knows Severus provokes me as no one else does. Am I trying to push Severus until he snaps, so that I can lose my control again? That would be... disastrous. I can't risk that now, not with everything that has happened.And what about Bill? Surely he has to notice something. I'm waiting for him to snap at me, to do something other than being there for me. Am I trying to push him away? And, for Merlin's sake, WHY? He is everything I should want or need. Why then can't I take the next step? Why can't I give him the one thing I know that he wants from me? Whatever the reason, I only know that I can't. I would like to think that perhaps it is for the same reason that Sirius and I never formally became mates - because it was too risky. To bind someone to me in a mating bond is to entwine our lives so fully that the death of one means the death of both. I couldn't with Sirius, because of the war, because we were both needed. A part of my guilt over his death is that I never gave him that part of myself, and, because I didn't, he went alone. But what is done cannot be undone. I have let that go, with regret, but I have let it go... and now, we are going to war again, and I find myself in an eerily similar position. I know what I need to do in this conflict, I know the risks that I need to take. And I can't take them if I know that to do so would cause someone's death. And after the poisoning incident... no, life is too risky for me. Even though there are advantages to being the mate of a werewolf, the risks far, far outweigh them. I can't ever see asking someone to take that kind of risk. Not for me.Not ever.Is that why I find myself withdrawing from Bill? But if so, why in the world am I being drawn *to* Severus? Is it because I know that even though he accepts the wolf, he would never accept me? That, because of that, I am safe with him? That if I get too close, he will push me away, and snark at me until I get angry?I don't understand it. But somehow, I seem unable to stop it. I need to talk to Bill, though, and soon. He deserves to know that I just cannot give him what he wants. I can share myself with him, I can care for him, but I can't do more. No matter how much he wants me to, I cannot give him all of me. I cannot give him the wolf.I don't want to hurt him. But I would rather do that than be the cause of his death. And if he can't accept that, then... I would rather lose him and still be able to live with myself. And no matter how much it hurts me to do so, I must do it. And soon.What was that Muggle saying? "Life is pain - anyone who says any differently is selling something."
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2004|05:40 am]Moony
7 January 1999 - EveningI went to Snape Manor today, to give the blood Severus and Hannah need for their research. It went well, I think. Severus has agreed to accept my help on the potion, which surprises me, to be honest. I certainly never thought the day would come when Severus Snape would accept my help. But then, as I have certainly discovered, being near death can shift your perspective... and your priorities.One disturbing thing happened, though... I blacked out as Severus was taking my blood. I don't know if it was because it was heart's blood, or if I am just not quite as recovered from the silver poisoning as I would like to believe, but I can't seem to recall anything from when he started to draw the blood, to when I found myself on the floor sometime later, with Severus bending over me and shaking me. He was obviously concerned, and why not? A dead werewolf in his laboratory would hardly have pleased him, to be sure. Difficult to explain, too.I am being petty, and I know it. We're... friends now, I think. Or something that can possibly become friends, perhaps? Even if he seemed rather distant and remote until I departed, I think I can safely chalk that up to the severe pain and strain he seems to be under. By the time I left, he appeared to be in agony.I just wish I could shake this feeling that there was something I was missing. Some scent on the air that was... wrong. But I was feeling rather lightheaded myself at that point, and didn't stay much longer once I felt well enough to apparate home. I will rest up for the next few days, and not push it. Tonks will be coming by this weekend to visit with Bill and I, and I want to enjoy it.Blast it, my lip is bleeding again. I must have bitten it when I fell.
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